Times Square New Year's Eve
About a million people have gathered in New York's Times Square to ring in 2007. Instead of a giant crystal ball, the new year will be marked by the dropping of Saddam's Hussein's lifeless body.





Crowds in Washington
Thousands of people are lining up outside the Capitol Building... but they're going to be very upset when they find out it's not James Brown in that casket.



Top 5 Things Overheard on the Line to View Former President Gerald R. Ford

5) "I don't care if he is dead, I'm gonna slug him one for giving us Jimmy Carter"

4) "You see, there really was such a thing as a moderate Republican"

3) "We're going out drinking with Betty later."

2) "He wasn't the greatest president, but he was genius to invent that Model-T"

1) "I'm really, really going to miss him; I was his orthopedic surgeon"





Low Blow
A 34-year-old North Carolina woman has been charged with attacking and castrating a man during a Christmas party last week. The woman faces 10 years in prison and a four-year stint as the new district attorney of Durham County.

BREAKING NEWS!!!! SADDAM EXECUTED


Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging in the pre-dawn hours today. They would have sent him to the electric chair, but Iraq hasn't had electricity since 2003.

Hussein wanted to keep clutching his copy of the Koran during the execution, but right wing radio host Dennis Prager demanded he replace it with a Bible.

It's still not decided where they bury Saddam's body. So let this be a lesson to all of you dictators who haven't already bought cemetery plots.

Iraqi Shiites are celebrating Hussein's execution today... for them, that's one Sunni down, 9.1 million to go.

President Bush says Saddam's execution should "serve as a lesson" to all Americans... especially Nancy Pelosi.

Ford Ceremonies
In a poignant tribute to the late President Gerald Ford, his body will lie in state in the U.S. Capitol. And in an even more poignant tribute, his casket will be dropped from the top of the steps of Air Force One.





Cloned Food Allowed
The FDA has approved meat and milk from cloned animals for human consumption. Now they just have to clone the three people in America willing to eat that crap.







Brown Viewing
As thousands of people made their way to the Apollo Theater in Harlem to pay their final respects to James Brown, the Rev. Al Sharpton is keeping a constant vigil beside the late singer's body. It's the only way Sharpton can make sure he gets all of Brown's leftover hair gel.





Weapons to Palestine
Egypt has sent a large shipment of weapons to forces loyal to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas says he needs the weapons to fend off violent challenges from Hamas, and it made sense to get them during the after-Christmas terrorist arms sales when all the stores are cutting prices like crazy.






L.A. Winds
Wind gusts as high as 70 MPH are causing major damage throughout Southern California. Usually, Hollywood doesn't produce this much hot air until Oscar night.

Ford Dies
Former President Gerald Ford is dead at age 93... putting an end to any chances of a pardon for Saddam Hussein.

President Bush took time out this morning to pay tribute to Ford. The two of them had a lot in common, neither was ever elected President by the American people.

Gerald Ford truly was an impressive man; most Fords usually die after 5 years or 50,000 miles.

President Ford will always be remembered for his greatest gifts to the world: federal anti-inflation measures, the Helsinki Accords, and foam-padded tarmacs.

Gerald Ford's death is a bittersweet moment for this country. We mourn the loss of this rare dignified statesman, but relish the fact that no one has any reason to laugh at Chevy Chase ever again.

Top 5 Things that Would Have Happened if Ford Hadn't Pardoned Nixon

5) Nixon would have spent his first five years behind bars helping the warden bug the prison phone system

4) President Carter would have ordered a military mission to rescue him from prison... resulting in total failure and the deaths of all involved

3) President George H.W. Bush would have given him unsupervised weekend furloughs... with Willie Horton

2) President Clinton would have made the moves on Pat

1) President George W. Bush would have successfully invaded Nixon's prison, but failed to find any evidence of him



The Hajj Begins
More than 1.6 million Muslims have gathered in Mecca to worship for the Hajj. Usually to see this many Muslims crowded together you have to go to Guantanamo Bay.



The Hajj Begins II
More than 1.6 million Muslims have gathered in Mecca to worship for the Hajj. In 2005, 250 people were trampled during the ceremonies. Last year, 360 were trampled. This year they're going for a new record!

Fuel Scavengers
At least 200 people were killed outside Lagos, Nigeria, in a massive explosion and fire that ignited as crowds carried away refined fuel from a tapped fuel pipeline. Americans are horrified by the news; this could mean gas will go back over $3 a gallon.





Fuel Scavengers II
At least 200 people were killed outside Lagos, Nigeria, in a massive explosion and fire that ignited as crowds carried away refined fuel from a tapped fuel pipeline. The area is a horrific scene of carnage and chaos, but it's not as bad as the returns & exchanges line today at J.C. Penney's.



James Brown's "Son"
A tearful Rev. Al Sharpton is mourning James Brown, saying the soul singer was "the father he never had." Well, now we know Brown must have died of embarrassment.






Saddam Execution
The Iraqi high court has ruled that Saddam Hussein's execution must take place before January 27... mostly because they can't find any U.S. soldiers willing to guard him during the Super Bowl.

James Brown Dead
"Godfather of Soul" James Brown died today at age 73. The cause of death is not clear, but apparently his pants finally suffocated him.

James Brown Dead II
"Godfather of Soul" James Brown died today at age 73. Luckily, his hair is expected to live on for at least another five decades.






Bush Holiday Calls
President Bush took time out this Christmas to personally phone 10 American soldiers and thank them for their service to our country. The troops say they appreciated the calls, even though the White House reversed the charges.







Roadblocks Lifted
Israel agreed today to remove some of the military roadblocks that have hindered Palestinian travel in the West Bank. Experts say this will help Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas... as he tries to get the Hell out of the West Bank before Hamas assassinates him.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Gates in Iraq
New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says he's learning a lot as he tours Iraq and speaks with some of the troops. Unfortunately, he will now have to rush back to the Pentagon to oversee peace-keeping units being deployed between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump.






Denver Storm
The Denver area remains paralyzed after it was hit with a major blizzard yesterday. The storm is especially rough, considering how unfamiliar people in Colorado are with snow.






Ahmadinejad Setback
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's rivals have won a sweeping victory in local elections. Ahmadinejad has responded with a hastily-called conference on whether Hanukkah is a myth.





Obesity Cause?
Two new studies show that colonies of bacteria could be responsible for obesity. Stunningly, those microbes are most often found in bags of Twinkies and cans of Old Milwaukee.






Blair's Call
British Prime Minister Tony Blair is calling on moderate leaders in the Middle East to form an alliance against extremist powers in the region. And after speaking with those moderate leaders, he then contacted Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Great Pumpkin.

Sex Survey
A new survey shows that nine out of 10 Americans has had premarital sex. The survey also shows that only one out of 10 Americans is having marital sex.






Goldman Sachs Bonus
Goldman Sachs Chairman and Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein is getting a record $53.4 million bonus for 2006. He has a choice of taking his holiday bonus in cash or getting 1.6 million honey-glazed hams.







Professor Spy
Professor Carlos Alvarez of Florida International University admitted Tuesday that he's been a Cuban spy since the 1970's. For four decades, he's been giving the Castro government valuable information on how to throw a frat party, and where to find good term papers on the Internet.






Johnson Recovery
Doctors say South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson's recovery has been exceeding expectations. Just this morning, he ate on his own, sat up on his own, and introduced a bill calling for a Congressional pay raise on his own.








Couple Q&A

This Sunday, the New York Times published 15 questions every couple should ask each other before they get married. Here is how one soon-to-be-married man answered:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

"We will adopt a hot 17-year old Korean chick I saw on the Internet. I will be the primary caregiver."

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

"I currently owe $117,000 to a guy named 'Fast Louie.' My idea is to stiff him as long as I can until we get accepted into the witness protection program. Does that work for you?"

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

"You will balance the checkbook, cook the meals, and clean the house. I will promise not to pee on the seat."

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

"My maternal grandfather believed he was Kaiser Wilhelm I until his dying day. And so will I!"

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

"I can be convinced to cuddle after sex, as long as we install a flat screen TV on the ceiling so I don't miss any important sporting events."

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

"As long as we maintain our subscription to the Penthouse Forum and read it together nightly, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what I want."

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

"See question #5."

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

"What was that? Sorry, I was looking at porn on the Internet."

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

"I expect us to worship Satan. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the Dark Lord himself."

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

"Wait, you have friends?"

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

"Well, I do think your mom's kind of hot."

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

"I hate how your brother makes me look bad all the time because, you know, he has a job."

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

"My collection of ancient mummified heads from the Mayan Age stays in the living room, everything else is negotiable."

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

"You knew I was a Chippendale's dancer when we met... travel is always required."

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

"I'm as committed as any man can be; ask any of my 6 ex-wives."





Al Qaeda Message
Al-Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri told the United States on Wednesday that it was negotiating with the wrong people in Iraq, and that Washington should be talking to his terror group. Zawahiri says he's willing to speak with any American representatives, provided they come unarmed and wearing blindfolds.









Non-Wheat Beer
Anheuser-Busch has introduced Redbridge, a new beer for people with wheat allergies. For years, people with wheat allergies have had to deal with terrible reactions when they drink too much regular beer, like dizziness, nausea, and hangovers.

Laura Bush Surgery
The White House announced this week that Laura Bush underwent surgery to remove a skin cancer tumor in November. Doctors said the operation was easy, especially since the Bush administration has kept her in a perpetual state of anesthesia since 2000.







Stiffed by Uncle Sam
Despite their heroic efforts on 9/11, New York City firefighters and paramedics may soon be denied additional health care coverage by the federal government. So to ensure they get as much government aid as possible, they're all going to climb Mount Hood and hole up in a snow cave.





Top 5 Things Overheard During Donald Trump's Meeting with Miss USA

5) "Touch my hair and all is forgiven"

4) "I'd like you to personally thank the three people in America who still watch 'The Apprentice"

3) "Let's do Jagermeister shots after lunch"

2) "Turn in your sash, tiara, and breast implants"

1) "Ah who am I kidding? Just take your clothes off and we'll call it even."





Palestinian Infighting
Hamas and Fatah gunmen continue to shoot each other in Gaza as fighting between the rival Palestinian groups enters its second week. Palestinian leaders are reminding their followers that all this killing is robbing their children of the chance to become suicide bombers.









Cheney Subpoenaed
Vice President Dick Cheney will be called as a defense witness in the CIA leak case. The first question he will be asked is: "who's the father of Mary's baby?"














Delta Reorganization Plan
Delta Air Lines disclosed details Tuesday of its plan to reorganize and emerge from bankruptcy. The plan includes new ideas like "being on time" and "not crashing."





Regan's Remarks
The bad news for book publisher Judith Regan is there is now evidence that she was fired for making anti-Semitic remarks about her bosses. The good news is Mel Gibson has finally agreed to work with her on his memoirs.






Mount Hood Latest
Hopes are fading fast for the still-missing climbers somewhere atop Mount Hood. But they're not fading as fast as the hopes of TV news executives who wanted to keep covering this story instead of the real news until the end of Christmas vacation.

NBA Suspensions
NBA commissioner David Stern has suspended seven players for a total of 57 games in response to the brawl that took place at the end of a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game this weekend. The suspended players will spend their unscheduled time off attending their paternity hearings.





Isiah Gets Off
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was not punished. The league realized that keeping him at the helm is punishment enough for everyone.







Top 5 North Korean Demands at Nuclear Talks

5) Will drop their nuclear weapons program if someone shows them how to use a microwave oven

4) Set Kim Jong Il up with that hot chick from "Heroes"

3) Soft toilet paper

2) Get Condi Rice a better dentist

1) One word: McKimchi






U.S.-India Nuke Deal
President Bush has signed a nuclear deal with India, allowing fuel and know-how to be shared by the two countries. It's the first step in his ultimate plan to outsource the war in Iraq.





Ahmadinejad Hit Hard
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. Exit polls show the Iranian people loved Ahmadinejad's Holocaust denial program, they just weren't wild about his food, employment, and freedom denial program.


Ahmadinejad Hit Hard II
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. In response to losing the midterm elections, Ahmadinehad says he's willing to listen to recommendations from the new "Holocaust Denial Study Group."






Crime Up
Murders and robberies continue to rise across the country for the second year in a row. Instead of paying for more cops on the streets, the Bush administration is calling on all Americans to embrace its "abstinence from crime" program.

Mount Hood Tragedy
For those who say the Mount Hood climbers took a reckless gamble and it's wrong that so much money and effort was spent to find them, I say one thing: remember that the climbers took one very important precaution to ensure the authorities would work tirelessly to save them... they made sure everyone knew they were white and not from New Orleans.







Johnson Recovery
Doctors say Senator Tim Johnson has shown significant improvement after brain surgery. On Sunday, Johnson responded to voices, opened his eyes, and attended 17 fundraising dinners.





Johnson Recovery II
Doctors say Senator Tim Johnson shows "no significant brain damage after his emergency surgery last week. However, for some reason he now thinks he's a utility infielder for the 1974 Milwaukee Brewers.








Miss USA in Trouble
Donald Trump is hinting that he may have to strip reigning Miss USA Tara Conner of her crown. Conner has reportedly being acting so vulgarly in New York City bars, that Trump feels she is more qualified to be his next wife.











Episcopal Break
The Episcopal Church is facing a major split within the movement. One group supports continuing liberal reforms like accepting gays in the clergy, while the other group has been too drunk to notice the reforms in the first place.








Lilly Cover Up
Internal documents show that the drug maker Eli Lilly has engaged in a decade-long effort to play down the health risks of Zyprexa, its best-selling medication for schizophrenia. In his defense, the company's CEO is blaming the covering up one of his "evil" personalities.

Johnson Condition
South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson remains in critical condition after undergoing neurosurgery last night. But it's still not clear if Johnson has suffered enough brain damage to remain in the U.S. Senate.





Top 5 Signs You're a Congressman or Senator Experiencing a Brain Injury

5) You think Nancy Pelosi's botoxed face looks normal

4) You're a Democrat and you've agreed to be interviewed on FOX News

3) You agree to meet with voters before they make a $50,000 donation

2) You just let Patrick Kennedy drive you to the airport

1) You voted for the war in Iraq


Thoughts for Johnson
Several Washington lawmakers are commenting on Senator Tim Johnson's condition. Incoming Majority Leader Harry Reid says he's, "praying for Johnson." House minority leader Jim Boehner says he is, "thinking of Johnson's family." And Vice President Dick Cheney says, "BWAA-HA-HA!!!"






Mount Hood Search
Nothing has worked as rescuers still can't find a group of climbers who went missing on Mount Hood Sunday. So in a last ditch effort, one of the climber's wives went on national TV and implored her husband to, "come down off the mountain right now or she's going to screw the mailman."






Food Supply
The Taco Bell e. Coli outbreak has millions of Americans worrying about the safety of fast food. Luckily, the Hamburgler has volunteered to hold all of our food until the panic subsides.






Ono Threatened?
Yoko Ono is accusing her chauffeur of extortion and threatening to kill her. The chauffeur insists he never blackmailed Ono and only threatened to kill her after heard her last three CD's.







Bush Won't be Rushed
President Bush said Wednesday that he was "not going to be rushed" into making decisions on a new strategy in Iraq. And why should he rush? It's not like the war in Iraq is something that's as pressing as gay marriage.






Trump Construction Halted
New York City's Buildings Department has halted excavation work at the site of a new Donald Trump condominium after a 19th century graveyard was discovered. Experts believe they may have found Trump's original hair.







Armed and Famous
CBS is producing a new reality series called "Armed and Famous," where celebrities LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada, and Jack Osbourne, will ride along with police. Each of the stars is expected to eventually have to arrest themselves.

Circumcision and AIDS
A new study says male circumcision may cut the risk of spreading AIDS. So for all those guys who say wearing a condom makes them feel uncomfortable, there's finally an alternative!






Airline Merger
United and Continental Airlines are considering a merger. By joining forces, the companies are hoping they'll be able to find at least one executive who knows how to run a business.






Skilling to Jail
Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling reported to federal prison Wednesday... not because he was ordered to, but just because he needed to meet with his accountant.







Stem Cell Boy
Doctors in Oregon say that seizures suffered daily by a boy with an incurable brain disease have ended after embryonic stem cells were injected into his brain a month ago. The boy is now expected to live a normal life, unless Rush Limbaugh kills him first.







Daddy's Dealin'
Police caught a New York City man dealing drugs while pushing his 18-month old daughter in her carriage. Hey, it must have been "take your daughter to work day."










Britney Book
Kevin Federline reportedly prepared to write a tell-all book about Britney Spears that could include details about her wild drinking, alleged drug-use, her sexual attraction towards other women, as well as her supposed belief in time-travel.... oh no wait, that's the tell-all book about Kevin Federline.







Amazing Discovery
Scientists have found the fossils of a flying mammal that lived 125 million years ago. They believe the air-worthy animal went extinct while waiting on the security line.


Amazing Discovery II
Scientists have found the fossils of a flying mammal that lived 125 million years ago. They believe the air-worthy animal went extinct shortly after agreeing to merge with United Airlines.

Gun in School
A 12-year-old Long Island boy who was caught bringing his dad's 9mm handgun to school last week now realizes just what a terrible mistake that was... most of his classmates had much bigger guns.






Baghdad Attack
Insurgents in Baghdad killed dozens of unemployed Iraqis today who were lured to their deaths by a job offer... kind of like what happens every day to thousands of Americans who agree to work at Wal-Mart with no health insurance.








Blind Hunting
Texas is considering a law allowing blind people to hunt. I guess they're just trying to make Dick Cheney feel welcome.








Bush Meeting
On Tuesday President Bush met in the Oval Office with Iraq's Sunni vice president, Tariq al-Hashemi. The question is: Are all these Iraqi politicians coming to the White House lately to discuss policy, or just to keep themselves out of the line of fire for a few days?








Panhandler Award
New York City has agreed to pay panhandler Eddie Wise $100,000 after a judge ruled police wrongly arrested him more than a dozen times. Coming up with the money shouldn't be a problem for the city, but Wise is asking for that $100,000 in quarters.









Pastor Resigns
Reverend Paul Barnes has resigned as pastor of a Denver mega-church, after confessing to having sex with men and saying that he often "cried himself to sleep," begging God to end his attraction to men. Wow, he's just like Hillary Clinton!










Amish Labor Laws
Amish families in western New York have been told by the state that they must stop employing their teenage children in construction work. They've responded by desperately looking for some Amish Mexicans.

Nicole Pulled Over
Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for drunk driving... infuriating Paris Hilton who said, "she's just trying to copy me!"








Oldest Person Dies
The world's oldest person, Elizabeth Bolden, died early Monday at the age of 116.
She had 40 grandchildren, 75 great-grandchildren, 150 great-great-grandchildren, 220 great-great-great grandchildren and 75 great-great-great-great grandchildren, so doctors are pretty sure she died trying to bake them all cookies in time for Christmas.






Bush Meetings
President Bush met with senior State Department officials, historians, and former generals on Monday. He was either hoping to get their advice on Iraq, or asking them to protect him from Dick Cheney.







McCain at Yeshiva
Senator John McCain made a huge impact when he spoke at New York's Yeshiva University on Sunday and warned that Iran is a "deranged" regime, Israel is in danger, and M&M's might soon lose its kosher certification.






New Outbreak
Nearly three dozen people fell ill in Cedar Falls, Iowa with symptoms of E. coli bacteria after eating at a Taco John's restaurant. Well, they always said they were "just as good as Taco Bell!"









Village Anniversary
For the 10th anniversary edition of her book "It Takes A Village," Senator Hillary Clinton writes in the introduction that the 9/11 attacks make her 1996 book even more relevant today. That's true... if only the hijackers had read that book, they would have been too ill to carry out their attacks!






Box Office Winner
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto," which made 14 million dollars. It would have made more, but the national Neo-Nazi Convention kept most of the film's fans away.







Barney's Video
First dog Barney is featured in a new video called "Barney's Holiday Extravaganza," which follows him around the White House as he enjoys the holidays, plays with visitors, and launches a disastrous invasion of a Middle Eastern country that ends up endangering America strategically and economically for generations to come.






Christmas Tree Pulled
All nine Christmas trees have been removed from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. It's not clear if this is because of cultural sensitivity or because God wouldn't be caught dead in an American airport.

Pinochet Dead
Chile's former dictator Augusto Pinochet has died at the age of 91. With his reputation for torturing and killing thousands of his own people, he was a constant target of human rights groups, and a role model for Dick Cheney.









Obama's Draw
Senator Barack Obama drew huge crowds in New Hampshire as he toured the state this weekend... not because they want to meet a possible future president, but because most of the people in New Hampshire have never seen a black person.





Taco Bell Cleared
The good news is 99.9% of all food at Taco Bell has tested negative for E. coli. The bad news is that 100% of the meat is still testing positive for cat.






Jefferson Wins
Despite overwhelming evidence that he took bribes, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson easily defeated his fellow Democratic opponent in a runoff election this weekend. With the Democrats about to take control of Congress, Jefferson's constituents decided it was only fair to give him a chance to collect some REAL money.






Death Row Numbers
A new study shows that fewer prison inmates moved to death row in 2005 than in the year before. Well, with real estate prices this high, no one can really afford to move anywhere.







U.S. Blasted
Iraq's president is calling the U.S.-led training of his country's security forces a failure. He's most angry that no one has taught them how to kill Jews.

Gay Rabbis
The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Previously, the only job open to gay conservative Jews was chairman of the Republican party.









Islamic Law
Islamic court officials in Somalia say that residents who do not pray five times a day will be beheaded. Well, at least they're giving them a choice.







Nice Find
10 years after a Brigham Young University maintenance worker found $10,000 in a pipe on campus, police are letting him keep the money. That's too bad; 10 years ago $10,000 was actually worth something.








Apocalytpo Worries
Producers of the new Mel Gibson movie "Apocalypto" are concerned the film's profits will be affected by the director's anti-Semitic comments, the film's intense gore, and the fact that all the dialogue in the movie is in the Yucatec language. But experts scoff at those worries because movie fans love violence, they'll learn to live with subtitles, and everybody hates the Jews.








Illegal Immigrant Laws
The town of Altoona, Pennsylvania has approved a measure to punish landlords who rent to illegal immigrants and businesses who employ them. And illegal immigrants in Altoona will be punished by having to live in Altoona.






Gun Rule
Local officials in Cherry Tree, Pennsylvania are considering a law that would ask residents to own a gun. It's not clear if the purpose of the law is to cut costs for law enforcement or just to help reduce overcrowding.







K-Fed's Pledge
Kevin Federline says his children are his top priority... as long as they're willing to hold his drinks while he scams porn stars at parties.








Rosie to Bolt
Rosie O'Donnell is already considering leaving "The View" because she's tired of daily "dramas" with her co-hosts. Well, now she knows what it's like to be one of the show's viewers.

Bush Responds
President Bush met with the Iraq Study Group at the White House Wednesday morning and says he "carefully listened to all their recommendations" ... and after he heard what they thought they should have for breakfast, he left the room when they talked about Iraq.




Top 5 Iraq Study Group Recommendations

5) Frighten insurgents away by letting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears onto the streets of Baghdad

4) Lather, rinse, carpet bomb... repeat

3) Redeploy U.S. troops to a region where they're needed more... like Detroit

2) Help Iraqi people overcome fear of going outside by encouraging them to start looting again

1) Find some way to blame this on Jimmy Carter












Baker's Advice
Former Secretary of State James Baker, the co-chairman of the Iraq Study Group, said "there is no magic bullet" to fix the problems in Iraq... well, except for the one they could use to shoot Dick Cheney.







Cheney Pregnant
Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary announced today that she is pregnant. Further complicating matters is the fact that the father is the Rev. Ted Haggard.







Broken Up
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have officially ended their relationship. But America is still on edge until they also announce they won't make any more movies together.








Cellphones & Cancer
A new study from Denmark shows that cellphones do not cause cancer... dashing hopes for the production of the new Blackberry combination phone, email, and chemotherapy dispenser.

Gates Admission
During his Senate confirmation hearing, Secretary of Defense nominee Robert Gates conceded that the U.S. is not winning the war in Iraq... he's just not sure when to tell that to President Bush.










Moon Base
The U.S. says it plans to build a permanently occupied base on the moon and hopes to start construction in 2020... or around the time it finds new homes for Hurricane Katrina victims.







Gambling Woes
A new study finds that people who gamble are more likely to suffer from a variety of health problems, including heart disease, liver failure, and getting their thumbs broken by a guy named "Fast Louie."







MySpace Plans
MySpace.com says it will develop technologies to help block convicted sex offenders from contacting users. One new idea being tested is a program that only allows people to type messages on the site when both of their hands are on the keyboard.







Elvis Candy
To honor Elvis Presley, Hershey's is introducing a new peanut butter and banana cream version of its Reese's cup. And fans of the new candy can look forward to being admitted to the new Elvis Presley cardiology unit at Memphis General hospital.






Hitler's Speedster
A rare 1939 German sports car commissioned by Adolph Hitler is expected to command the highest price ever paid for any automobile at auction. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is expected to bid $12 million for a car that he hopes will be good for chasing Jews.

Clooney Speaks Out
George Clooney is now confirming that he spent a long night of heavy drinking with Danny DeVito last week. But Clooney can't confirm that the drinking directly resulted in DeVito's bizarre appearance on "The View"... or the fact that the couple is now legally married in Massachusetts.








TV Ads Rapped
The American Academy of Pediatrics says TV commercials spur kids to overeat... but they eventually lose their appetite once they watch about five minutes of "The View."








Civil War Strategy
President Bush met at the White House today with the top Shiite leader in Iraq, and next month the top Sunni leader comes to Washington. The administration is hoping to keep inviting the two men to the White House so they're too busy travelling to kill each other.

Civil War Strategy II
President Bush met at the White House today with the top Shiite leader in Iraq, and next month the top Sunni leader comes to Washington. By the time those guys finish with all the traveling, they'll be too angry at the airlines to fight a civil war.







Annan's Assessment
Kofi Annan says the situation in Iraq is "worse than a civil war." That's because people are dying, and so far his sons haven't found a way to make money from it.








Straight-Talking Muslim
Heba Koth, a Muslim, is being called the Dr. Ruth of the Islamic world because of her hit talk show "Big Talk," which is a frank and detailed weekly show about sex. Koth has about three days to live.






Lindsay's in A.A.
Lindsay Lohan's publicist says the 20 year-old star has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Not to stop drinking, but just to be around other incoherent people.

Rumsfeld Reversal
Classified memos now show that outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld favors substantial troop pullouts from Iraq. That's because Rumsfeld knows he'll need about 100,000 armed soldiers to protect him when he goes back into civilian life.






Dire Predictions
Supporters of the Iraq war point out that a U.S. troop withdrawal will cause more sectarian violence and a government collapse... and that's nothing compared to what would happen in Iraq.





Hillary Asks Around
Senator Hillary Clinton is now actively asking fellow lawmakers for their advice as she considers a run for the White House in 2008. This, after she finally got the "go-ahead" from most of the nation's mental patients.






Russia Wins Davis Cup
Led by Marat Safin, Russia won tennis' Davis Cup Sunday over Argentina. Safin used a mixture of powerful serves, cutting ground strokes, and 30-40 tennis balls laced with polonium.






Investigation Widens
In the wake of the Alexander Litvinenko poisoning, British counterterrorism officers are planning to fly to Moscow to investigate the case further. There they will interview witnesses, look for physical evidence, and try not to eat anything for 7-8 days.








Chavez Ahead
Hugo Chavez leads in the early poll results and is expected to win re-election as president of Venezuela. That gives the U.S. six more years to try to assassinate him.





Pfizer Failure
Pfizer will abandon its new blockbuster cholesterol drug because of the high number of patients who died during trials. Pfizer was caught off-guard by the news, since the drug company is really only prepared for the deaths of the people who can't afford their drugs... not the ones who get them for free.