NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Death Row Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled to spare a Texas man who the court said was too mentally incompetent to be executed. But the court ruled that the man was mentally competent enough to remain President of the United States.

Segregation Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled that race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools. Immediately after the decision, Clarence Thomas was bused to a lower court.



Chinese Fish Ban
The federal government has banned imports of some types of Chinese seafood. As a result, wages for Chinese fishermen has fallen to 30 cents a day from 32 cents a day.



Bush Defeated
Political pundits are calling the Senate's decision to kill the immigration reform bill a "powerful blow to President Bush"... but not as powerful as the blow that brought down Bill Clinton.



Missing Bear
Suburban Atlanta police are on the lookout for a small black bear that was first spotted at an Office Depot and later near a Wal-Mart. The bear's parents are very worried because he has their credit cards.



Bald Eagle Soars
The U.S. government has taken the bald eagle off the Endangered Species Act's "threatened" list. Conservationists say this is the result of crackdowns on hunters, better awareness, and Rogaine.



Bad Toothpaste
Thousands of tubes of contaminated Chinese-made toothpaste have been found in state prisons in Georgia. This would be a problem if any of the inmates actually brushed their teeth.

The best true compliment one comedy writer can give another is to say: "I wish I had thought of that!"

And that's what I have to say about Dan Kurtzman's new topical humor books How to Win a Fight with a Conservative and How to Win a Fight with a Liberal

And here are links to a couple of fun online quizzes excerpted from the books:

What Breed of Liberal Are You?
What Breed of Liberal are You? and What Breed of Conservative are You?


Edwards on Gay Marriage
John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth have differing opinions on gay marriage. Elizabeth in in favor of them, while John just isn't ready to commit to his boyfriend.


Blair's New Job
Tony Blair has stepped down as Prime Minister of Britain and now has been appointed as a Middle East peace envoy. That's sort of like the political equivalent of going from the corner office to the mail room.


Buffett on Taxes
Billionaire Warren Buffett bashed Congress Tuesday night for not making the rich pay enough taxes. Of course, Buffett forgot that Congress actually does impose a special added tax on the super rich; it's called "campaign donations."


City-Bound
A U.N. report says that by next year, more than half the world's 6.6 billion person population will be living in cities. And New York City is reporting that most of them will probably be on the Queens-bound "E" train at about 5:15 tomorrow afternoon.



Wrestler Investigation
Police say an investigation of pro-wrestler Chris Benoit's home turned up "a lot of prescription medication, gels, and other controlled substances," leading experts to believe the murder-suicide was either the result of "'roid rage" or something to do with the maintenance of his mullet.



Mummy Identified
Egyptian archaeologists have now confirmed that the mummy of an obese woman found in 1903 is that of Queen Hatshepsut, the powerful female pharoah who often dressed as a man in 15th century B.C. Foreign experts agree that it's probably Hatshepsut, but it could also be Janet Reno.

Paris is Free
Now that she is out of jail, Paris Hilton says she's thankful "she can get back to normal," and stop doing things that make her uncomfortable, like having sex off-camera.


Dairy Month
June is national dairy month... which of course means that July will be national lactose intolerance month.


Food Prices
The price of food has risen sharply in U.S. this year, challenging every American's fundamental right to a fat ass.



Afghan Heroin
The U.N. has reported that Afghanistan's opium output is soaring. It's nice to see that war and terrorism can't put a dent in a "can do" economy.



Lugar Breaks Ranks
Senator Richard Lugar has broken ranks with the White House and declared that the Iraq war is "not working." He then endorsed the immigration bill so we can get some Mexican war strategists to do the jobs Americans just won't do.



Wrestler Murder
Police confirm that pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and smothered his son before hanging himself. This is what happens when you try to hold a "family grudge cage match" at home.



CIA Reports
The CIA released hundreds of pages of internal reports on agency misconduct Tuesday... and that was just the stuff they did Tuesday.



Florida Gator Attack
A Florida man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water. The alligator didn't kill him, but his wife will when she finds out he was golfing instead of at the office.

Charity Record
Americans gave a record $300 billion to charitable causes last year... mostly to stop those annoying fundraising broadcasts on PBS and NPR.

Charity Record II
Americans gave a record $300 billion to charitable causes last year. Europeans gave less than half that, but still believe they have purchased the right to continue to call Americans the root of all the world's problems.


Bush on Stem Cells
In vetoing federal funding for stem cell research, President Bush vowed to protect human embryos even though it's not clear if they are "alive" or represent life. Of course with his approval ratings, it's not clear that President Bush is alive either.


North Korea Promise
North Korea has promised to shut down its controversial nuclear reactor... not because of sanctions from the West, but because it can no longer afford to pay the electric bills.


Dry Cleaners Win
A judge on Monday ruled in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants. The plaintiff says he will appeal, just as soon as his finishes his $600 million lawsuit against Snickers for allegedly failing to "really satisfy" him.


Campaign Ruling
The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of allowing almost any group to air political ads on TV, as long as it can afford the costs. In other words, "free speech," now costs $100,000 for every 30 seconds.


Yahtzee Murder
An argument over a game of Yahtzee ended with one man dead and another charged with murder, according to police in Florida. It's the most deadly ending to a board game since the infamous drunken "Operation" tournament at the Ohio State Medical School back in 1978.

Paris Pledge
Paris Hilton says she wants to do "good things for the world" after she gets out of jail. Of course, the best thing she could do for the world is go right back to jail.


William and Kate Back Together
Prince William and former girlfriend Kate Middleton have resumed their relationship, British newspapers reported Sunday. Apparently getting back together was easier than waiting for the secret service to investigate somebody new.


Karachi Rains
Heavy rains and lightning have killed 228 people in Pakistan over the last few days, leaving families devastated, relief agencies overwhelmed, and terrorists jealous.


U.S. Wins Gold Cup
The U.S. defeated Mexico, 2-1, to win soccer's "gold cup" Sunday. The victory became a foregone conclusion after half the Mexican team eluded immigration guards and snuck over to the U.S. side.


Sharpton on Missing Women
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding the black community make a stir over the disappearance of two young black women from Brooklyn, arguing anyone who ignores the cases is a "traitor." But black people could do more to help their community if everyone would just ignore the Rev. Al Sharpton.

William's Money
Britain's Prince William turned 25 Thursday, giving him access to a reported $500,000 a year of his late mother Princess Diana's fortune. That's good news because I heard his student loan payments were really killing him.

William's Money II
Britain's Prince William turned 25 Thursday, giving him access to a reported £250,000 ($500,000) a year of his late mother Princess Diana's multi-million pound fortune. That should help him finally get some dates.


Bill for Hill
Bill Clinton is now stepping into the forefront of his wife's presidential campaign, accompanying here on trips to Iowa, appearing in campaign ads, and for some reason, privately interviewing all the campaign interns.


Search Volunteers
More than 1,000 volunteers spread out Thursday in a search of rural areas around the home of a missing woman who was 9 months pregnant when she disappeared. It's not clear if most of them really want to find the woman, or are just sick of hearing about her on the news every five seconds.


Shuttle Landing Scrubbed
The space shuttle Atlantis could not make its scheduled landing at Cape Canaveral Thursday because of heavy rain, high winds, and the crew lost the remote control for hanger door-opener.


Supreme Court on Recruiting
The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Tennessee law aimed at limiting the recruiting of middle school athletes because, "hard-sell tactics could lead to exploitation and foster an environment in which athletics are prized more highly than academics"... which is something that shouldn't happen until college.

World Refugee Day
Wednesday is World Refugee Day, a time to think of war victims, disaster survivors, and all the kids who graduated from college last month and still don't have their own place.


Stem Cell Veto
President Bush vetoed a bill Wednesday that would have eased restraints on federally funded embryonic stem cell research. This is only the second time Bush has vetoed a bill, the first time is when he rejected funding for the search for Big Foot and the Abominable Snow Man.


Bloomberg Decision
Even after becoming an independent, it's still not clear if New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg will run for president. But if elected, he promises to pass a law that will require Americans to step outside the United States every time they want to smoke.


United Delays
A computer malfunction at United Airlines halted all departures systemwide for two hours Wednesday. Actually only being delayed for two hours on a United flight is much better than usual.


Travolta on Meds
John Travolta says he is opposed to psychiatric medication, just like fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise. But unlike Cruise, Travolta doesn't actually need psychiatric medication.


Abbas on Hamas
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas harshly criticized the Islamic Hamas on Wednesday for taking over Gaza last week, saying its members were "murderous terrorists"... sounds like someone is just a little jealous.


Carter Blasts U.S.
Former President Jimmy Carter accused the U.S., Israel and the European Union of seeking to divide the Palestinian people. Actually, the only thing dividing the Palestinian people right now are bombs and bullets.

Budget Director Going
White House budget director Rob Portman is resigning. Portman says he wants to spend more time with his family, where he won't be so attacked for doing things like forgetting how to add.



Palestinian Flight
Hundreds of terrified Gazans fleeing Hamas rule are trapped at a border crossing with Israel, hoping for permission to pass through Israeli territory to sanctuary in the West Bank, where they hope to be able to kill Jews in peace.

Help for Abbas
President Bush and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert have vowed to help Mahmoud Abbas's new government. The U.S. will help Abbas by sending him money, and the Israelis will help Abbas by pretending he has more than 3 weeks to live.


Driving with God
The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, telling motorists to avoid driving recklessly. As a result, everyone in Italy is now taking the train.

Driving with God II
The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, telling motorists to avoid driving recklessly. This initiative is expected to meet with about as much success as the New York Archdiocese's edict against giving people the finger while driving on the Cross Bronx Expressway.


Anna Nicole Smith Judge Quits
The Florida judge noted for his unorthodox oversight of the Anna Nicole Smith case says he is retiring at the end of July. Ever since Paris Hilton went to jail, he's been too broken up to work.



Google's 100 MPG Car
Google has announced it's investing in a car that can get 100 miles per gallon. The oil companies are responding by preparing to raise gas prices to $300 a gallon.

Palestinian Aid
Now that Mahmoud Abbas has expelled Hamas from his government, the U.S. and EU have resumed sending aid to the Palestinians. This means Palestinian women can have enough food to feed their children before sending them off to suicide bombing school.


White House Emails
Democrats in Congress are extremely mad over the deleted White House emails connected to the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. The Democrats are interested in what every email said, especially the ones that claimed to have non-prescription formulas for penis enlargement.


Rushdie "Affront"
Radical Muslims have condemned Britain's award of a knighthood to author Salman Rushdie as an affront to Muslim sentiments. Not because Rushdie wrote the controversial "Satanic Verses," but because Rushdie can actually write.


Wendy's for Sale
Hamburger chain Wendy's International says it is exploring the possible sale of the company. Interested buyers include Burger King, McDonald's, and American Association of Cardiologists.


Semel Out at Yahoo!
The good news is Terry Semel has been replaced as Yahoo! CEO by co-founder Jerry Yang. The bad news is the board did all of its research on Yang by googling his name.

My illustrator and I won the L.A. Press club award last night for best editorial cartoon, 2006. This is for my weekly comic strip, "Schmooze or Lose."

Click on the link below and scroll down to "D4 Editorial Cartoon" to read the judges comments.

LA Press Club Winners


Thanks to everyone who has helped my efforts along the way.

Jake


Hamas Reacts
Hamas is calling the new Fatah-controlled emergency Palestinian government, "illegal and immoral"... which is why there's a good chance they might support it after all.


Box Office King
"The Fantastic Four" sequel is number one at the box office this weekend. But since Jessica Alba is the only reason to see the movie, maybe they should call it "The Fantastic Two."


Kobe Blogs
Writing on his web site today, Kobe Bryant says he and Lakers have "two different visions"... which makes sense since the only thing that Kobe sees is Kobe.


Spacewalk Record
Two astronauts completed the fourth spacewalk since space shuttle Atlantis docked with the outpost a week ago. You know gas prices are really bad when even the astronauts have to walk.


Designer Death
Famed Christian Dior designer Gianfranco Ferre died Sunday at the age of 62. He was known as the "architect of fashion" for building the sound-proof toilets where most supermodels barf 3-4 times a day.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Hamas in Control
Hamas says it has defeated Fatah and has controlled all of Gaza for a week. Second prize is controlling Gaza for two weeks.

The Palestinian government has been officially dissolved. This means all Palestinian terrorists will have to save their receipts as any Jew-killing done will be on a freelance basis until further notice.


Abbas Declaration
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas dissolved the coalition government and declared a state of emergency today when he looked at the window and finally realized he was surrounded by Palestinians.

Abbas says his decision to dissolve the government and declare a state of emergency was "not what he wanted to do." What he wanted to do was book a seat on the next flight to Geneva, but it was sold out.


Judge Jails Libby
A federal judge has ruled that Scooter Libby cannout remain out of jail while he appeals his sentence. It's not clear who this disappoints more: Libby or liberal conspiracy theorists who think Dick Cheney rules the world.



Space Station Problems
The Russian computers that control the International Space Station's oxygen and water supplies are still malfunctioning. NASA believes the problems were probably caused by and electrical power surge, the Kremlin is blaming Chechen Rebels.


Clinton Fees
Former President Clinton made more than $10 million in paid speeches last year... proving once again that the market for expensive sleep aids is exploding all over the world.



Mars Oceans
Topographical studies show that Mars may have had oceans about 2 billion yeas ago. Scientists are pretty sure the oceans were eventually destroyed by fat tourists from Jupiter.

Gun Control Bill
The House of Representatives has just passed a new notification bill aimed at keeping criminals and those judged to be "mentally defective" from possessing firearms. The measure passed only after each member of Congress was assured they would be excluded from the new law.


Rather Critique
Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is criticizing the network for making a big mistake by "tarting up" its newscast with Katie Couric. Rather insists the only good way to "tart up" a newscast is with forged documents.


Spielberg Picks Hillary
Steven Spielberg has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. This from the same man who thinks Tom Cruise has his head on straight.



Mosque Bombing
Al qaeda bombers have destroyed the Shia Al-Askariya Mosque for the second time in a year... and they're gonna keep destroying it until Ty and the rest of the crew from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" come to Iraq and fix it!


American Muslim groups like CAIR say they are angry and are denouncing the Al-Askariya Mosque bombing today... especially since they can't blame it on Israel.


Miers Called
Former White House counsel and rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has been subpoenaed by Congress to testify in the fired U.S. attorneys case. It's proof once again that that Democrats are the only ones who think Harriet Miers knows anything about anything.



President Peres
Shimon Peres was elected Israel's ninth president Wednesday. The Israeli presidency is actually only a ceremonial position, and Peres' nine decades of political irrelevance made him a shoo-in for the job.


Shark Death
Another whale shark has died at the Georgia Aquarium. Officials say that the shark had stopped eating and been showing erratic and obsessive behavior ever since he watched the final episode of the Sopranos Sunday night.


Chinese Dinosaur
Scientists have discovered a giant bird-like dinosaur fossil in China. Experts aren't sure if the animal actually lived in the region, or if it was a cheap pirated version of dinosaur actually made in Hollywood.

Sleep Problems
A new study shows that 70 million Americans suffer from some kind of sleep disorder... and those are just the ones still trying to figure out the Sorpranos' ending.


$2 Heroin
Police are warning parents about a deadly mix of heroin and barbiturates coming out of Texas known as "cheese heroin" that sells for about $2 a hit. But there is an even more addictive item coming out of Texas called "petroleum" and it's currently selling for about $3.50 a hit.


Bush Meeting
President Bush made a rare visit to Capitol Hill Tuesday for lunch with Senate Republicans to try to win more GOP support for his immigration bill. But the lunch had to be served on paper plates because they couldn't find any Americans willing to wash the dishes.


Nifong Charged
The North Carolina State Bar has charged Durham County district attorney Mike Nifong with several ethics violations in connection with his handling of the Duke lacrosse team case. Nifong says he believes the charges finally prove that he is qualified for higher office.


Working Longer
Most Americans in their 60's say they plan on working into their 80's... or until they pay off their student loans, whichever comes first.

Working Longer II
Most Americans in their 60's say they plan on working into their 80's. It's not the best thing for our economy, but at least it will significantly cut down on those scandalous workplace affairs.


Fatah vs. Hamas
Fatah fighters unsuccessfully attacked the Hamas-run TV station in Gaza Tuesday. They were repelled by hundred of BBC journalists fired from the windows.


Affair Hotline
A little more than a week after it was published, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt says his offer of up to $1 million for anyone providing proof of an illicit sexual affair with a politician has attracted about 200 tips so far... of course the 178 of them concerning Harry Reid are just not credible.

Formula One Winner
Lewis Hamilton became the first-ever black man to win a Formula One race Sunday. It's even more amazing when you realize he still won despite being pulled over by the cops for no reason about 10-11 times during the course of the race.



Sopranos Finale
Tonight marks the final episode of The Sopranos. From now on, people wanting to watch organized crime in New Jersey will just have to tune in to the State Legislature.


Lieberman Advice
Senator Joseph Lieberman says the U.S. should seriously consider a military strike against Iran. Too bad we still haven't seriously considered our military strike against Iraq.



Powell's Endorsement
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell says he will endorse the "best person" to be president regardless of party affiliation. And it's just that kind of savvy judgement and loyalty that have put Powell where he is today... out of work.


Hound Found
A basset hound that disappeared from its California home in December has been found 430 miles away in Arizona. Its owners can't believe how in the world it got so far away, with gas prices where they are and all.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Pope Jumper
Vatican police have detained a man who tried to jump into the open-air vehicle carrying Pope Benedict XVI. The man insists he meant the Pope no harm, it's just that gas prices have forced him to find free rides whenever he can.


Speaker Speaks
Travelling TB patient Andrew Speaker strongly denied that the CDC told him not to travel. Actually, it's not that the CDC didn't know he was going to travel, it's just that nobody could believe that anyone would be crazy enough to travel through the Atlanta airport.


Billy's New Digs
Billy Joel has just bought a new home in the Hamptons. It's the perfect place for Joel as it has 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, and a wrecked 3-car garage.



Home Depot Firing
A Home Depot employee in Oklahoma has been fired for helping police apprehend a shoplifter. It's not that the company wants to encourage theft, it's just that its employees aren't actually supposed to ever be seen.


Vermont Secession
13% of Vermont citizens say they favor seceeding from the Union. This comes as a shock to most Americans who thought Vermont seceeded from the Union the day it made Howard Dean governor.


D-Day Anniversary
Wednesday marks the 63rd anniversary of the heroic D-Day invasion. The American news media would spend more time commemorating the event, but it's too busy reporting on Bob Barker's retirement.


Rudy's Religion
During Tuesday night's GOP presidential debate, Rudy Giuliani refused to discuss his religious beliefs, saying that "it's between me and God." But by being willing to say the word "God" in public, we already know he's more religious than any of the Democrats.

Libby Fine
Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in jail and a $250,000 fine for lying to investigators in the CIA leak case. Libby has been instructed to make the $250,000 check out to the Democratic Party.


GOP Debate
Fred Thompson will not be participating in Tuesday night's Republican presidential debate on CNN. Luckily, voters will still see plenty of Thompson since "Law & Order" re-runs will be playing on every other station.


Kucinich on Osama
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says if Osama bin Laden is captured, a lot more Americans would rather see him tried in court rather than killed right away. Actually more Americans would just like to see Dennis Kucinich killed right away.


Bush Assures Russia
President Bush is assuring Russia that they need not fear America's missile defense system... especially since we'll probably never figure out how to use it.



Hillary and Religion
Hillary Clinton says her religious faith helped her cope with her husband's infidelity. Ans she says that every night, she asks God for guidance, strength, and to cut Bill's balls off.


Crack Driver
It turns out the crack-crazed driver who plowed through dozens of people at a D.C. street fair this weekend was a female employee in Councilman Marion Barry's office. So, I guess she was just bringing her work home.


Abbas Warning
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned Tuesday that his people are on the verge of civil war. So, I guess all the killing of each other they've been doing for the last 100 years was just a warm up.

Chained Hilton
Paris Hilton entered prison Sunday at 11:30pm Pacific time... our long national nightmare is finally over.


Kevorkian on TV
Fresh out of prison, assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian will join Larry King tonight on CNN. Well, it's good that Kevorkian is immediately going where he's needed most.




Jefferson Charged
U.S. Rep. William Jefferson was indicted Monday on federal charges of racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering... all crimes he must have comitted before going into politics, since racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering are actually what most Congressmen are expected to do for a living.

Investigators knew Mr. Jefferson was probably accepting bribes when they learned he was living in a de-luxe apartment in the sky.


Not Contagious
Doctors say the "travelling TB patient" Andrew Speaker is not contagious. So if you flew in a plane with him, you're not as likely to get sick as you are to get about 100 calls from the "Today Show."


Donovan Backs Out
Basketball coach Bill Donovan is backing out of his deal with the Orlando Magic and wants to return to the University of Florida. Donovan realized that if you're going to have to coach a bunch of illiterate thugs, you really need to get paid more than they do.


JFK Plotters Fight
The two men held in Trinidad on an alleged terror plot to blow up fuel tanks and destroy JFK Airport are fighting extradition to the United States. It's not that they don't want to face a trial, it's just that like most Americans, they really don't want to fly into JFK.

Clemens Injured
Roger Clemens' return to Yankees has been delayed because of a groin injury. The only Yankee who's groin is getting more attention these days is Alex Rodriguez.


JFK Airport Plot
Investigators say the men who plotted an attack on JFK Airport in New York wanted to "punish" the United States. Although it's hard to conceive of anything that's punished Americans more in the last 40 years than JFK Airport.


Polish Coma Man
A Polish railway worker who woke up after 19 years in a coma is learning to live again and to understand a drastically altered Poland where democracy is now the norm. But the man was able to find his bearings as soon as he was informed that everyone in Poland still wants to kill all the Jews.



Driving Terror
A crazed woman plowed her car through a crowded Washington D.C. street festival Saturday night, injuring about 35 people. Cops aren't sure who the driver was, but something like this seems to happen every time Barack Obama starts gaining on Hillary Clinton in the polls.



Hilton Haters
Even before she arrives, inmates at an L.A.-area prison are angry at Paris Hilton because they believe officials are making room for the starlet at the expense of other inmates already coping with crowded conditions. Well, know they know how every out-of-work actress with actual talent has felt about her for the last four years.


Porn on the Rise
Experts say the spread of exhibitionism in America is directly linked to the rise porn in the mainstream media. Is there nothing we can't blame Katie Couric for?