Paris is Free
Now that she is out of jail, Paris Hilton says she's thankful "she can get back to normal," and stop doing things that make her uncomfortable, like having sex off-camera.


Dairy Month
June is national dairy month... which of course means that July will be national lactose intolerance month.


Food Prices
The price of food has risen sharply in U.S. this year, challenging every American's fundamental right to a fat ass.



Afghan Heroin
The U.N. has reported that Afghanistan's opium output is soaring. It's nice to see that war and terrorism can't put a dent in a "can do" economy.



Lugar Breaks Ranks
Senator Richard Lugar has broken ranks with the White House and declared that the Iraq war is "not working." He then endorsed the immigration bill so we can get some Mexican war strategists to do the jobs Americans just won't do.



Wrestler Murder
Police confirm that pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and smothered his son before hanging himself. This is what happens when you try to hold a "family grudge cage match" at home.



CIA Reports
The CIA released hundreds of pages of internal reports on agency misconduct Tuesday... and that was just the stuff they did Tuesday.



Florida Gator Attack
A Florida man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water. The alligator didn't kill him, but his wife will when she finds out he was golfing instead of at the office.