NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Hamas in Control
Hamas says it has defeated Fatah and has controlled all of Gaza for a week. Second prize is controlling Gaza for two weeks.

The Palestinian government has been officially dissolved. This means all Palestinian terrorists will have to save their receipts as any Jew-killing done will be on a freelance basis until further notice.


Abbas Declaration
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas dissolved the coalition government and declared a state of emergency today when he looked at the window and finally realized he was surrounded by Palestinians.

Abbas says his decision to dissolve the government and declare a state of emergency was "not what he wanted to do." What he wanted to do was book a seat on the next flight to Geneva, but it was sold out.


Judge Jails Libby
A federal judge has ruled that Scooter Libby cannout remain out of jail while he appeals his sentence. It's not clear who this disappoints more: Libby or liberal conspiracy theorists who think Dick Cheney rules the world.



Space Station Problems
The Russian computers that control the International Space Station's oxygen and water supplies are still malfunctioning. NASA believes the problems were probably caused by and electrical power surge, the Kremlin is blaming Chechen Rebels.


Clinton Fees
Former President Clinton made more than $10 million in paid speeches last year... proving once again that the market for expensive sleep aids is exploding all over the world.



Mars Oceans
Topographical studies show that Mars may have had oceans about 2 billion yeas ago. Scientists are pretty sure the oceans were eventually destroyed by fat tourists from Jupiter.