NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Death Row Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled to spare a Texas man who the court said was too mentally incompetent to be executed. But the court ruled that the man was mentally competent enough to remain President of the United States.

Segregation Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled that race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools. Immediately after the decision, Clarence Thomas was bused to a lower court.



Chinese Fish Ban
The federal government has banned imports of some types of Chinese seafood. As a result, wages for Chinese fishermen has fallen to 30 cents a day from 32 cents a day.



Bush Defeated
Political pundits are calling the Senate's decision to kill the immigration reform bill a "powerful blow to President Bush"... but not as powerful as the blow that brought down Bill Clinton.



Missing Bear
Suburban Atlanta police are on the lookout for a small black bear that was first spotted at an Office Depot and later near a Wal-Mart. The bear's parents are very worried because he has their credit cards.



Bald Eagle Soars
The U.S. government has taken the bald eagle off the Endangered Species Act's "threatened" list. Conservationists say this is the result of crackdowns on hunters, better awareness, and Rogaine.



Bad Toothpaste
Thousands of tubes of contaminated Chinese-made toothpaste have been found in state prisons in Georgia. This would be a problem if any of the inmates actually brushed their teeth.

The best true compliment one comedy writer can give another is to say: "I wish I had thought of that!"

And that's what I have to say about Dan Kurtzman's new topical humor books How to Win a Fight with a Conservative and How to Win a Fight with a Liberal

And here are links to a couple of fun online quizzes excerpted from the books:

What Breed of Liberal Are You?
What Breed of Liberal are You? and What Breed of Conservative are You?


Edwards on Gay Marriage
John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth have differing opinions on gay marriage. Elizabeth in in favor of them, while John just isn't ready to commit to his boyfriend.


Blair's New Job
Tony Blair has stepped down as Prime Minister of Britain and now has been appointed as a Middle East peace envoy. That's sort of like the political equivalent of going from the corner office to the mail room.


Buffett on Taxes
Billionaire Warren Buffett bashed Congress Tuesday night for not making the rich pay enough taxes. Of course, Buffett forgot that Congress actually does impose a special added tax on the super rich; it's called "campaign donations."


City-Bound
A U.N. report says that by next year, more than half the world's 6.6 billion person population will be living in cities. And New York City is reporting that most of them will probably be on the Queens-bound "E" train at about 5:15 tomorrow afternoon.



Wrestler Investigation
Police say an investigation of pro-wrestler Chris Benoit's home turned up "a lot of prescription medication, gels, and other controlled substances," leading experts to believe the murder-suicide was either the result of "'roid rage" or something to do with the maintenance of his mullet.



Mummy Identified
Egyptian archaeologists have now confirmed that the mummy of an obese woman found in 1903 is that of Queen Hatshepsut, the powerful female pharoah who often dressed as a man in 15th century B.C. Foreign experts agree that it's probably Hatshepsut, but it could also be Janet Reno.

Paris is Free
Now that she is out of jail, Paris Hilton says she's thankful "she can get back to normal," and stop doing things that make her uncomfortable, like having sex off-camera.


Dairy Month
June is national dairy month... which of course means that July will be national lactose intolerance month.


Food Prices
The price of food has risen sharply in U.S. this year, challenging every American's fundamental right to a fat ass.



Afghan Heroin
The U.N. has reported that Afghanistan's opium output is soaring. It's nice to see that war and terrorism can't put a dent in a "can do" economy.



Lugar Breaks Ranks
Senator Richard Lugar has broken ranks with the White House and declared that the Iraq war is "not working." He then endorsed the immigration bill so we can get some Mexican war strategists to do the jobs Americans just won't do.



Wrestler Murder
Police confirm that pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and smothered his son before hanging himself. This is what happens when you try to hold a "family grudge cage match" at home.



CIA Reports
The CIA released hundreds of pages of internal reports on agency misconduct Tuesday... and that was just the stuff they did Tuesday.



Florida Gator Attack
A Florida man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water. The alligator didn't kill him, but his wife will when she finds out he was golfing instead of at the office.

Charity Record
Americans gave a record $300 billion to charitable causes last year... mostly to stop those annoying fundraising broadcasts on PBS and NPR.

Charity Record II
Americans gave a record $300 billion to charitable causes last year. Europeans gave less than half that, but still believe they have purchased the right to continue to call Americans the root of all the world's problems.


Bush on Stem Cells
In vetoing federal funding for stem cell research, President Bush vowed to protect human embryos even though it's not clear if they are "alive" or represent life. Of course with his approval ratings, it's not clear that President Bush is alive either.


North Korea Promise
North Korea has promised to shut down its controversial nuclear reactor... not because of sanctions from the West, but because it can no longer afford to pay the electric bills.


Dry Cleaners Win
A judge on Monday ruled in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants. The plaintiff says he will appeal, just as soon as his finishes his $600 million lawsuit against Snickers for allegedly failing to "really satisfy" him.


Campaign Ruling
The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of allowing almost any group to air political ads on TV, as long as it can afford the costs. In other words, "free speech," now costs $100,000 for every 30 seconds.


Yahtzee Murder
An argument over a game of Yahtzee ended with one man dead and another charged with murder, according to police in Florida. It's the most deadly ending to a board game since the infamous drunken "Operation" tournament at the Ohio State Medical School back in 1978.

Paris Pledge
Paris Hilton says she wants to do "good things for the world" after she gets out of jail. Of course, the best thing she could do for the world is go right back to jail.


William and Kate Back Together
Prince William and former girlfriend Kate Middleton have resumed their relationship, British newspapers reported Sunday. Apparently getting back together was easier than waiting for the secret service to investigate somebody new.


Karachi Rains
Heavy rains and lightning have killed 228 people in Pakistan over the last few days, leaving families devastated, relief agencies overwhelmed, and terrorists jealous.


U.S. Wins Gold Cup
The U.S. defeated Mexico, 2-1, to win soccer's "gold cup" Sunday. The victory became a foregone conclusion after half the Mexican team eluded immigration guards and snuck over to the U.S. side.


Sharpton on Missing Women
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding the black community make a stir over the disappearance of two young black women from Brooklyn, arguing anyone who ignores the cases is a "traitor." But black people could do more to help their community if everyone would just ignore the Rev. Al Sharpton.

William's Money
Britain's Prince William turned 25 Thursday, giving him access to a reported $500,000 a year of his late mother Princess Diana's fortune. That's good news because I heard his student loan payments were really killing him.

William's Money II
Britain's Prince William turned 25 Thursday, giving him access to a reported £250,000 ($500,000) a year of his late mother Princess Diana's multi-million pound fortune. That should help him finally get some dates.


Bill for Hill
Bill Clinton is now stepping into the forefront of his wife's presidential campaign, accompanying here on trips to Iowa, appearing in campaign ads, and for some reason, privately interviewing all the campaign interns.


Search Volunteers
More than 1,000 volunteers spread out Thursday in a search of rural areas around the home of a missing woman who was 9 months pregnant when she disappeared. It's not clear if most of them really want to find the woman, or are just sick of hearing about her on the news every five seconds.


Shuttle Landing Scrubbed
The space shuttle Atlantis could not make its scheduled landing at Cape Canaveral Thursday because of heavy rain, high winds, and the crew lost the remote control for hanger door-opener.


Supreme Court on Recruiting
The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Tennessee law aimed at limiting the recruiting of middle school athletes because, "hard-sell tactics could lead to exploitation and foster an environment in which athletics are prized more highly than academics"... which is something that shouldn't happen until college.

World Refugee Day
Wednesday is World Refugee Day, a time to think of war victims, disaster survivors, and all the kids who graduated from college last month and still don't have their own place.


Stem Cell Veto
President Bush vetoed a bill Wednesday that would have eased restraints on federally funded embryonic stem cell research. This is only the second time Bush has vetoed a bill, the first time is when he rejected funding for the search for Big Foot and the Abominable Snow Man.


Bloomberg Decision
Even after becoming an independent, it's still not clear if New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg will run for president. But if elected, he promises to pass a law that will require Americans to step outside the United States every time they want to smoke.


United Delays
A computer malfunction at United Airlines halted all departures systemwide for two hours Wednesday. Actually only being delayed for two hours on a United flight is much better than usual.


Travolta on Meds
John Travolta says he is opposed to psychiatric medication, just like fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise. But unlike Cruise, Travolta doesn't actually need psychiatric medication.


Abbas on Hamas
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas harshly criticized the Islamic Hamas on Wednesday for taking over Gaza last week, saying its members were "murderous terrorists"... sounds like someone is just a little jealous.


Carter Blasts U.S.
Former President Jimmy Carter accused the U.S., Israel and the European Union of seeking to divide the Palestinian people. Actually, the only thing dividing the Palestinian people right now are bombs and bullets.

Budget Director Going
White House budget director Rob Portman is resigning. Portman says he wants to spend more time with his family, where he won't be so attacked for doing things like forgetting how to add.



Palestinian Flight
Hundreds of terrified Gazans fleeing Hamas rule are trapped at a border crossing with Israel, hoping for permission to pass through Israeli territory to sanctuary in the West Bank, where they hope to be able to kill Jews in peace.

Help for Abbas
President Bush and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert have vowed to help Mahmoud Abbas's new government. The U.S. will help Abbas by sending him money, and the Israelis will help Abbas by pretending he has more than 3 weeks to live.


Driving with God
The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, telling motorists to avoid driving recklessly. As a result, everyone in Italy is now taking the train.

Driving with God II
The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, telling motorists to avoid driving recklessly. This initiative is expected to meet with about as much success as the New York Archdiocese's edict against giving people the finger while driving on the Cross Bronx Expressway.


Anna Nicole Smith Judge Quits
The Florida judge noted for his unorthodox oversight of the Anna Nicole Smith case says he is retiring at the end of July. Ever since Paris Hilton went to jail, he's been too broken up to work.



Google's 100 MPG Car
Google has announced it's investing in a car that can get 100 miles per gallon. The oil companies are responding by preparing to raise gas prices to $300 a gallon.

Palestinian Aid
Now that Mahmoud Abbas has expelled Hamas from his government, the U.S. and EU have resumed sending aid to the Palestinians. This means Palestinian women can have enough food to feed their children before sending them off to suicide bombing school.


White House Emails
Democrats in Congress are extremely mad over the deleted White House emails connected to the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. The Democrats are interested in what every email said, especially the ones that claimed to have non-prescription formulas for penis enlargement.


Rushdie "Affront"
Radical Muslims have condemned Britain's award of a knighthood to author Salman Rushdie as an affront to Muslim sentiments. Not because Rushdie wrote the controversial "Satanic Verses," but because Rushdie can actually write.


Wendy's for Sale
Hamburger chain Wendy's International says it is exploring the possible sale of the company. Interested buyers include Burger King, McDonald's, and American Association of Cardiologists.


Semel Out at Yahoo!
The good news is Terry Semel has been replaced as Yahoo! CEO by co-founder Jerry Yang. The bad news is the board did all of its research on Yang by googling his name.