L.A. PRESS CLUB AWARD NOMINEE!!!

I am a finalist for an LA Press Club award for my weekly comic strip, "Schmooze or Lose." Here is the link with the info, scroll down to "editorial cartoon" to see all the finalists names: L.A. Press Club Finalists



NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Top Auto Plant Doomed
It turns out that one of auto plants GM is slated to shutdown was the most productive car-making factory in North America. It's proof once again that working hard and efficiently is no match for being willing to get paid three cents a day.


TB Man Moved
The man infected with tuberculosis who traveled on several flights anwyay, has been transferred to Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center. Of course, a Jewish hospital is the best place for a guy like him to get cutting edge medical care and the scolding of his life.


Potter Park
A "Disney-like" Harry Potter theme park is planned to open in Orlando in 2009. Of course, there already is a place that's been completely taken over by Harry Potter attractions, it's called "Barnes & Noble."


Bee Favorite Shocked
National Spelling Bee favorite Samir Patel was surprisingly ousted from the contest today after misspelling a word in the 5th round. Patel was later seen leaving the competition with several organized crime figures.


Spammer Arrested
A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested in Seattle Wednesday. He faces several years in jail for the horrific crime of forcing millions of people to learn how to use the "delete" button.

Bryant Demand
Kobe Bryant is demanding to be traded from the Lakers... something that will be a little difficult since he's the only player on the team.


Stray-Rod
Married Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was photographed spending the night and entering a Toronto hotel last night with a buxom blonde... and I thought he had trouble hitting curves.


TB Traveler
The man infected with a drug-resistant form of TB knew he was not supposed to travel overseas but did so several times anyway. Of course, anyone crazy enough to fly on the airlines these days probably doesn't care about anything anyway.


Lost Whales
Two lost whales last seen near the Golden Gate Bridge slipped back into the Pacific Ocean overnight. Marine biologists had been trying for two weeks to get them back into the ocean, but a few minutes of seeing what was going on in downtown San Francisco finally did the trick.


Thompson in the Race
Republican Fred Thompson will enter the race for president, despite the fact that most Americans only know him from his role on "Law and Order." Of course, Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is mostly known from her recurring role on "Desperate Housewives."


Iran Nukes
Two Iranian diplomats say Tehran recently considered a partial suspension of uranium enrichment... but decided against it when they realized all they really want to do is scare Jews.

Chinese Official Sentenced
China has sentenced the former head of its food and drugs agency to death for corruption. He will be executed by being forced to eat some locally-produced dog food.


Sheehan Quits
Cindy Sheehan, who camped outside President Bush's home in Crawford, Texas, throughout August 2005 to demand a meeting with the president over her son's death, is quitting the peace movement. She now plans to camp outside her local Home Depot until she finally gets help from someone who works there.


More Planets
Planet-seekers who have spotted 28 new planets orbiting other stars in the past year say Earth's solar system is far from unique and there could be billions of habitable planets. Oh great, like real estate prices aren't depressed enough.



Lohan in Rehab
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads are finally safe again but no one can afford gas.


Anti-Chavez Protests
Venezuelan police fired tear gas and plastic bullets into a crowd of thousands protesting President Hugo Chavez's decision to force an opposition television station off the air. It's not that the people want real democracy, it's just that that station was the only one that doesn't broadcast "The View."


Disney Accident
Five Walt Disney World visitors and an employee were injured Tuesday after a water ride that simulates a trip to a rain forest river malfunctioned. As they do whenever there are problems with the rain forest ride, authorities are blaming global warming.


Creation Museum
A museum that tells the Bible's version of Earth's history — that the planet was created in a single week and dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark— attracted thousands to its opening Monday. Experts scoff at the dinosaur theory, but SOMEONE had to have eaten the unicorns.

Gas Prices
The price of gas actually fell by two cents across the country this weekend. Yeah, but I thought we couldn't define infinity minus two.


Memorial Day NYC
This Memorial Day weekend in New York was marked by parades, fireworks, and remembrances of a time when the Yankees didn't suck.


U.S.-Iran Talks
The U.S. and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years Monday... but the discussions broke down when the Iranians refused to accept America's insistence that the world is no longer flat.


NFL Player Dead
The body of New England Patriots player Marquise Hill was found Monday after a jet ski accident on Lake Pontchartrain, Louisiana. There are many unanswered questions, but ESPN is only trying to find out whether he was on his way to a dog fight.


Kevorkian Getting Out
"Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian will leave prison this week after serving more than eight years of a 10-to 25-year sentence. Kevorkian's voluntary suicide cause has flagged over they years in the U.S., but he has huge future as an executive with al Qaeda.

Memorial Day Checkpoints
This Memorial Day weekend, police are setting up checkpoints on highways and side roads all across the country. It's all in the hope of protecting America from Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.


Lohan Cocaine
Beverly Hills police say they found cocaine in Lindsay Lohan's car after she crashed her Mercedes early Saturday morning. This is one spoiled rich kid; she can afford cocaine and a tank full of gas!



U.S.-Iran Talks
The U.S. and Iran are about to hold their first formal diplomatic talks in 27 years. Iran will be represented by some of its most distinguished ambassadors, and just to make it even, we're sending Don Imus.


Triple Amputee Doctor
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Arab terrorists, who just can't understand why she didn't just blame the Jews and blow herself up.

Triple Amputee Doctor II
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Paris Hilton, who's still really angry that the media is paying attention to someone else.


Indy 500 Winner
Dario Franchitti is the winner of this year's shortened Indy 500. They had to shorten it because no one could afford any more gas.


Johnston Okay?
A Palestinian official says BBC Gaza correspondent Alan Johnston was alive and well and will be released by his terrorist kidnappers soon. It turns out that no matter how badly they treated him, the BBC couldn't possibly be forced to be more anti-Israel than it already is.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Immigration Bill Points
The most controversial part of the new immigration bill assigns points based on skills. Immigrants get 10 points if they have an advanced science degree, 20 points if they have technical experience, and 500 points if they can vacuum a room faster than the Roomba.


Summer War
President Bush says this summer will be crucial for his Iraq war strategy... mostly because "American Idol" is over and people will probably start paying attention again.



Hamas Roundup
Israel has arrested 33 Hamas legislators in retaliation for continued rocket attacks from Gaza. The good news for the detainees is that while they're in Israeli custody, their odds of not dying in attacks by Fatah shoot through the roof.


Virgin Shark Birth
A female hammerhead shark in a Nebraska aquarium has given birth apparently without any contact with males. Scientists aren't sure if this is really a virgin birth or just what the shark told her parents.


April Home Sales
New home sales rose sharply in April, thanks to better weather and the fact that most houses are now cheaper than a tank full of gas.


Dell at Wal-Mart
After shunning retail stores for years in favor of online and phone sales, Dell will now sell its computers at Wal-Mart. Going to Wal-Mart is just like trying to buy a computer from someone in India: no one there says anything you can understand either.


American Idol Winner
Jordin Sparks became the new American Idol Wednesday night, briefly bringing American together after it was once again torn apart by the Rosie O'Donnell-Elizabeth Hasselbeck war.


Old Mom
A 60-year-old New Jersey woman has given birth to twins. For the babies' sake, let's hope she doesn't mix up their diaper cream with her Ben Gay.

Experts say this event has redefined age in America. And that's true as this proves you don't have to be a teenager to do something really stupid.

Democrats Retreat
Congressional Democrats have finally backed off their demands for a timetable to withdraw from Iraq. If only the insurgents were as easy to defeat as Pelosi and Reid, the war would have ended years ago!

Both sides are declaring victory in the compromise. The White House is happy the timetables were scrapped, and the Democrats are happy that this latest retreat has made them even more popular with French voters.



Hibbert Choice
Georgetown 7-footer Roy Hibbert has announced he's decided not to go to the NBA and will play his senior season.... not so much because he wants to go back to the Final Four, but because it'll be fun to watch when the Celtics lose the shot to draft him next year too.


Palestinian Truce
Fatah and Hamas leaders met in Gaza today to discuss another Palestinian cease fire. The meeting was declared a success when only 5 of the delegates ended up dead or wounded.


Angelina's Goal
Angelina Jolie says her number one priority is to be a "great mom"... and she's going to keep getting impregnated by different men until she gets it right.



Iran Nukes
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran continues to defy U.N. Security Council demands to scrap its nuclear weapons program. Iran now says it's all part of its attempts to cut down on harmful carbon emissions.


Coke Thieves Sentenced
Two former Coca-Cola employees were sentenced Wednesday to serve federal prison terms for conspiring to steal Coke's recipe and sell it to Pepsi. Of course if the defendants had stolen the recipe for new Coke, no one would have pressed any charges.


Edwards Attack
John Edwards is attacking President Bush for using the war on terror to justify abuses of power and other mistakes. This coming from a man who still has no excuse for spending $500 on a haircut.

Viagra Study
A new study shows that Viagra might help relieve jet lag... although it's not clear whether it's the Viagra or what people do after they take Viagra that really helps.

Viagra Study II
A new study shows that Viagra might help relieve jet lag. Okay, but if I try it, I'm REALLY going to need a bulkhead seat.



Refugee Camp Conditions
U.N. officials say there is no hospital in the Palestinian refugee camp where the Lebanese army is currently fighting the al-Fatah terrorist group. Palestinian leaders say they wanted to build a hospital there, but their first priority was to produce their own Anti-Jewish childrens TV show.


Abdul Hurt
Paula Abdul's publicist says the "American Idol" judge broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. Luckily, Abdul avoided further injuries when the three bottles of Jack Daniels she was holding broke her fall.

Abdul Hurt II
Paula Abdul's publicist says the "American Idol" judge broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. She later sustained further injuries when she was trampled by her pet unicorn.


Green Cabs
New York City is phasing in an environmentally-friendly taxicab program. Soon, the only things producing harmful emissions in New York will be the taxi drivers.


Jolie's Year Off
Angelina Jolie says she is going to take a year off from acting. But how will anyone tell the difference?

Jolie's Year Off
Angelina Jolie says she is going to take a year off from acting... but she's still going to fake it when she sleeps with Brad.

Richardson In
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson officially announced his candidacy for president today, despite being way behind in the fundraising race. But experts say Richardson can overcome his financial shortcomings, mostly because his campaign staff is made up mostly of illegal immigrants.


Lebanon Fighting
Lebanese troops continue to pound Palestinian refugee camps in Tripoli... but since the Israelis aren;t doing it, no is protesting to the U.N. or crying on MSNBC.


Carter Backs Off
Former President Jimmy Carter said Monday his remarks were "careless" when he said the Bush administration has been the "worst in history." Had he thought about it even a little more, of course he would have said that the Carter administration was the worst in history.


New Pill
A birth control pill that would eliminate periods completely for women is expected to be approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Once it's approved, everyone will finally discover the real reason most women are cranky: men.


MySpace Deal
MySpace has finally agreed to share its data on sexual predators with officials in state governments. Unfortunately, most sexual predators are currently working as officials in state governments.


Moore's Movie
Just looking at Michael Moore's new film "Sicko" forces viewers to ask why Americans don't get better healthcare... but not as much as it forces them to ask why Michael Moore doesn't take better care of himself.

Shrek Box Office
"Shrek The Third" is a box office smash after a $122 million opening weekend. It's a surprising sum since Americans have already been watching so many monsters and jackasses in the presidential debates.


Pet Food Bans
With pet deaths mounting, more companies are banning pet food imports from China. Chinese products are only supposed to kill the American economy.


Saddam & al Jazeera
New evidence shows that Saddam Hussein's government paid al Jazeera TV $68,000 in 2002... although it's not clear if the money was for editorial favoritism or the premium satellite sports package.


Slaves of Long Island
A Long Island millionaire couple has been arrested on charges they held two women as captured slaves in their home. The women weren't actually forced to stay in the home, but these days it was the only way they could get health insurance.


Clemens Progress
Roger Clemens is pitching well in the minors. Later this month he'll join the Yankees... and find out the minor league team was a lot better.


McCartney & the Press
Paul McCartney says he doesn't read any of the press reports about his ugly divorce with Heather Mills. But he does feel better when he spends time with his children, especially when they get together to watch "Dancing with the Stars."

Keith's Book
Keith Richards is trying to sell his autobiography for a reported $5 million... a shocking sum considering the fact that he doesn't remember anything.



New Synagogue
Jewish leaders and politicians from Estonia and Israel celebrated the opening Wednesday of the first synagogue in the Baltic state since World War II. Local Anti-Semites then celebrated by burning it down.


Gore for Prez?
Despite more inquiries, Al Gore is again insisting that he is not running for president in 2008. If this is the kind of attention Gore is getting, imagine how much the Democrats would bother someone with a chance in Hell to win.



Hurricane PR
While most weather experts believe the U.S. is still unprepared for hurricane season, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is spending $4 million on a P.R. campaign. This way, more Americans will feel better about the government while their homes are washing away.


Immigration Deal
Senate leaders and the Bush administration have agreed to a deal that would beef up border security but also let millions of undocumented immigrants get legal permission to live and work in the United States. The two sides were finally able to come to an agreement when they realized they both hated Lou Dobbs.


American Idol Stunner
Many American Idol fans were shocked by Melinda's elimination from the show. Blake's stunning survival into the finals proves that American pop music is still controlled by 12-year-old girls.


Gonzales Vote
Senate Democrats say they will seek a no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. But if they want to waste their time on symbolic gestures that no one cares about, they might as well vote for John Kerry again.



Lost Whales
Wildlife workers are using recordings of whale singing to lure an injured whale and her calf away from Sacremento's shipping canals and back into the Pacific Ocean. But if they really want to get those whales to swim away, they should use recordings of Sanjaya singing.


U.S. Minorities
According to new estimates, the nation's minority population has topped 100 million for the first time... which means CNN will do 100 million stories about each and every one of them in the next year.

Harry Not Going
The British government has announced that Prince Harry will not serve in Iraq after all. Apparently, he was needed for the much more important duty of protecting his stepmother from the dentist.


Gaza Fighting
Fierce fighting has broken out between Palestinian gunmen in Gaza. Hamas and Fatah finally realized that they like killing each other so much, who needs Jews?



Soldier Reward
The U.S. military is offering a $200,000 reward for information about the location of three missing American soldiers in Iraq. And in return for not helping the U.S., al Qaeda is still offering the chance at 70 virgins and all the humus you can eat in Guantanamo.


Kid Reality Show
CBS will air a new reality show called "Kid Nation" this fall that will take 40 children and film them as they try to set up a society without adult supervision. Actually, that show has been on the air ever since C-Span starting televising Congress in 1985.


Paul's Position
During the GOP presidential debate Tuesday night, Congressman Ron Paul angered Rudy Giuliani when he suggested the 9/11 attacks were in response to U.S. bombings of Iraq. Giuliani, of course, blames 9/11 on his ex-wives.


Trump is Free
Now that NBC has left the "The Apprentice" off of the fall schedule, Donald Trump says he can leave NBC for another network. Or course, his hair will remain the property of the Sci Fi Channel.


Sarkozy Inaugurated
Nicolas Sarkozy was inaugurated Wednesday as the new president of France, promising to create a better country for the future... something he immediately started doing by expelling all the French people.


Yolanda King Dies
Martin Luther King Jr.'s daughter Yolanda died Wednesday of heart problems at the age of 51. Apparently she went into cardiac arrest every time someone in the news media would compare her father to Al Sharpton.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. Falwell finally collapsed when he realized his only choices for president were Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. Out of respect, the Democratic presidential candidates will refrain from attacking him just for the next 48 hours.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. I guess God doesn't accept the prayers of Evangelical doctors.

As the news of Falwell's death spreads, people of all religions are praying for his memory... but most TV news anchors are trying to conceal their obvious euphoria.


Barker's Last Show
CBS will air Bob Barker's last episode of "The Price is Right" in prime time early next month. The end of the program will be especially memorable, as Barker will be neutered just before the final credits.


Rude Drivers
Miami motorists have earned the title of "rudest drivers" in a survey released Tuesday... leaving New Yorkers more ashamed than ever before.


Baby Test
A new test dubbed "Pink or Blue" promises to tell parents the sex of their fetus just six weeks into pregnancy. The test boasts a 50% rate of accuracy.


Apprentice Canceled
NBC has canceled "The Apprentice" for next season, shocking millions of TV viewers who didn't know "The Apprentice" was still on this season.


Leo's House
Leonardo DiCaprio recently excavated his neighbor's property without permission and damaged plants and hedges to build a basketball court at his home... but I'm sure it was a "green" basketball court.


No More Fred
NBC says it does not expect Fred Thompson to return to Law and Order next season, since he is potentially running for the Republican presidential nomination... and because like everyone else in America he's freaking sick of Law and Order.

Chrysler Deal Latest
Wall Street analysts are a little skeptical about Cerberus Financial Management's $7.4 billion deal to buy Chrysler. Cerberus is eventually expected to ask for its money back, just like everyone else who's bought a Chrysler since 1978.


Insurgent Demand
Sunni insurgents in Iraq are warning the U.S. to stop looking for the three American soldiers they say they've kidnapped. Of course, the U.S. will not listen to that demand... and this is why they hate us.


Giuliani Justices
Rudy Giuliani said Sunday that if elected, his selection of Supreme Court justices would not be based on their positions on abortion. However, their positions on divorce settlements would be a major factor.


Bionic Woman Remake
NBC is bringing back the "Bionic Woman" this fall, a remake of the 1970's original series. The show will star Michelle Ryan as the half woman/half computer, and the villains will be played by everyone at Dell tech support in Bangalore.


Law & Order Returns
NBC has decided to renew Law & Order for next season... because if there's one thing TV viewers need, it's more Law & Order.


Having a Ball
About 300 people ate 80 to 100 pounds of fried lamb, sheep and bull testicles during last weekend's annual Testicle Festival in Elderon, Wisconsin. The only place where they crunch more balls is at the annual divorce lawyers convention in Los Angeles.


Harry in Iraq
The British military has agreed to a controversial proposal to let a camera crew follow Prince Harry when he is deployed to Iraq. Even more controversial is the fact that the camera crew is from Al Jazeera.


Mitt's Money
According to Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's personal financial disclosure statement, he is worth between 260 and 350 million dollars... and that's why Hillary Clinton keeps calling him.


Travolta Attack
John Travolta has criticized the BBC over a documentary investigating Scientology saying the report "harbored personal prejudices, bigotry, and animosity." Travolta's tirade is earning him the admiration of millions of people around the world who didn't believe he knew words like "prejudice," "bigotry" and "animosity."

Afghan Leader Killed
A U.S.-led NATO force has killed the military leader of the Taliban in an attack in southern Afghanistan. By "U.S.-led," we mean the U.S. troops did the killing, while the European troops stayed back and guarded the brie.

Afghan Leader Killed Reaction
Most of the world is celebrating the death of Afghan military leader Mullah Dadullah Lang... except for the world's leading liberals, who are sad that he died before they could figure out why he hated them too.


Mothers Day
This Mothers Day is a good time for us to think of our moms and give thanks to the women who raised us. It's also a good time to pause and think of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, and give thanks that some women have never raised any children.


Chrysler Deal
DaimlerChrysler appears ready to sell a controlling interest in the struggling Chrysler Group to the hedge fund Cerberus Capital Management. Cerberus will now fill every Chrysler's tank full of gas and then watch skyrocketing fuel prices double each car's value by Memorial Day.


King Cancels
A rare visit to the West Bank by King Abdullah of Jordan was called off at the last minute today because of bad weather... apparently it was raining bullets.


Nimoy Photos
Actor/Director Leonard Nimoy examines the issue of female obesity in his new photography book. Of course, he examined the issue of male obesity while working with William Shatner for all those years.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Iraqi Parliament Fight
Members of Iraq's parliament exploded in an angry debate Thursday, accusing each other of treason and murder. Wow, I guess our attempts to bring American-style democracy over there are really working!

Members of Iraq's parliament exploded in an angry debate Thursday. Outside the parliament building, the Iraqi people just exploded.


Moore in Hot Water
The federal government may fine or even imprison film director Michael Moore for taking an unauthorized trip to Cuba. Actually, the feds are only angry because Moore decided to come back to America.


Museum Piece
A computer built by Michael Dell in 1985 is going to be part of an exhibit at the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of American History. It's such a rarity because it was the only thing ever designed by Dell that wasn't actually put together by someone in India.


Oral Sex Study
Researchers say people who have engaged in oral sex with more than six partners over the course of their lifetime were nine times more likely to develop throat cancer, and 30 times more likely to spend more than $1,000 on Listerine.


Rudy On Abortion
Rudy Giuliani is promising not to back down from his public support of abortion rights. And to prove it, he's aborting his presidential campaign right before our very eyes.


Couric's Optimistic
Katie Couric insists she still feels optimistic despite historically low ratings for the CBS Evening News. But when you get paid $65 million just to read a TelePrompTer, it's hard not to be optimistic!


Neeleman Stepping Down
Jet Blue Airways founder David Neeleman has announced he's stepping down as CEO... just as soon as his New York-to-Florida flight gets off the tarmac and they find his luggage.


Hamas Show Nixed
Hamas has canceled its children's TV show which featured a Mickey Mouse-type character that preached hate for America and Israel. The producers found it was easier and cheaper to just put Michael Moore in a Barney costume.


New Security Technology
Homeland Security leaders are exploring facial recognition programs aimed at finding terrorists, but the ACLU is concerned the devices will violate people's privacy... because if there's anyone who's ashamed to show their faces in public, it's the ACLU.

Peanut Butter Ads
The makers of Skippy peanut butter have decided to no longer use super-skinny, sexy models in their ads... um, what exactly did they think we use peanut butter for anyway?


Mexico Abortion
The Mexico City government has voted to legalize abortion. Well, that's more than our government is doing to curb illegal immigration.


Giuliani Rings
The Village Voice is reporting that Rudy Giuliani owns four New York Yankees World Series rings... so he has almost as many Yankee rings as he does wedding rings!


Fort Dix Informant
The six men arrested for planning to attack Fort Dix were turned in by a video store clerk after the suspects asked him to convert a video tape to DVD... which reminds me, maybe we can find Osama bin Laden simply by telling him his dry cleaning is ready.


Edwards Explanation
John Edwards said Tuesday that he worked for a hedge fund between presidential campaigns to learn about financial markets and their relationship to poverty. And after four long years he's finally learned that poor people can't afford to invest in hedge funds.


McDonald's Numbers
McDonald's says its sales climbed 4.8% in April, thanks to its new breakfast menu, Happy Meals and all the TV coverage of rats at KFC.


Obama Mistake
During a campaign rally on Tuesday, Barack Obama misspoke when he said 10,000 people died in last week's tornadoes in Kansas. He also misspoke when he blamed the tornadoes on Don Imus.


L.A. Fires
Wildfires have consumed about 15% of L.A.'s famed Griffith Park. But Mayor Villaraigosa is ordering firefighters to stand down and just let the inevitable mudslides put the flames out in the coming weeks.


Bush Tours Tornado Zone
President Bush was in western Kansas Wednesday to get a first-hand look at the destruction left after a massive tornado hit on Friday. He hasn't seen this much devastation up close since the CIA gave him Nancy Pelosi's pre-plastic surgery pictures.


TV Viewership Down
The good news is that recent ratings figures show teenagers are watching a lot less TV this year. The bad news is that most of them are having sex instead.

Hilton Appeal
Paris Hilton is appealing her 45-day jail sentence, claiming her manager told her she wasn't breaking the law by repeatedly driving without a license. Of course, this is the same manager who repeatedly told Hilton she could be on TV and in the movies without any talent.


Herod's Tomb Found
After 25 years of excavating, an Israeli professor says he's found the tomb of King Herod. Leave it to an Israeli to spend a quarter century digging in the Middle East and not find any oil.


Fort Dix Threat
The federal government has charged six alleged "Islamic radicals" with plotting to kill U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. In light of this threat and the recent car accident suffered by Gov. Jon Corzine, Democrats are calling for an immediate U.S. withdrawal from New Jersey... and this is a withdrawal most Republicans can support.


Troop Surge Deadline
Congressional leaders from both political parties are considering giving President Bush a possible deadline of September to prove that the troop surge in Iraq is working... which is weird because the news media has already decided that it won't work and it's only May!

Congressional leaders from both political parties are considering giving President Bush a possible deadline of September to prove that the troop surge in Iraq is working... or else, they're gonna um... they'll... get really mad... I guess.


Cocaine Bust
The company that produces a new energy drink called "Cocaine" has been pulled from stores nationwide. Convenience store owners in the 'hood are worried they might get shot when their customers find out it's not the real thing.


Cartoon Hater
Hamas has started a new children's show featuring "Farfur," a Mickey Mouse lookalike, who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. If Hamas's leaders think they hate Jews now, wait until they get sued by Disney's copyright attorneys!


McGreevey Lawsuit
In a lawsuit filed Monday by Dina McGreevey, she alleges that her estranged husband and former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, only proposed as a cold and calculated political act to cover his homosexuality. That's opposed to Bill Clinton, who only proposed as a cold and calculated act to cover his heterosexuality.


Wish Tunnel
Every year, about 40,000 foreigners visit an 800 year-old shrine in Japan where visitors can crawl into a "wish tunnel" to say a prayer and make offerings in the hope of splitting from their significant others. Mostly because the trip to Japan and the rest of the ordeal is still cheaper than calling a divorce lawyer.

Madam's List
NBC News has decided against broadcasting the names on "D.C. Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey's client list, saying there was nothing "newsworthy" there. Which means the only names on the list were Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Charlie Sheen.


MTA Chair Stepping Down
Peter S. Kalikow, the chairman of New York's Metropolitan Transportation Authority, said today that he intends to step down as soon as his successor is approved... or the "A" train finally shows up at 34th Street, whichever comes first.



Bush Poll
The latest Newsweek poll puts President Bush's approval rating at 28%... which is still 10% higher than the approval rating for Newsweek.


Burned at the Stake
Angry villagers in India burned an elderly couple at the stake this weekend because of suspicions they were practicing a form of black magic... and refusing to agree to any changes to Social Security.


Hillary's Advice
In an Op-Ed piece published today, Hillary Clinton says despite Iran's hostility towards the U.S., we should try to engage them with diplomacy. Of course, Mrs. Clinton is an expert at engaging her enemies; she's been married to her biggest enemy for 35 years.


Queenly Visit
President Bush and Queen Elizabeth dedicated their White House meeting Monday to celebrating their common values... especially their mutual hatred of the news media.


Thieves Punished
An Alabama judge has ordered two convicted shoplifters to wear "I am a Thief" t-shirts wherever they go for a month. 535 more copies of that shirt are now being made for every member of the U.S. Congress.


Princeton PETA Kids
Student members of PETA at Princeton University will stage a protest Tuesday by appearing nearly naked, smeared with fake blood, wrapped in cellophane and lying on giant meat trays outside the school cafeteria beneath a sign that says: "Meat is Murder!" A counter-demonstration will also be held by those students' parents under a sign that says: "Can you believe we pay $40k a year for this?!?"

New French President
Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy was elected President of France Sunday. Of course in France, a conservative is someone who opposes abortion after the 16th trimester.

Sarkozy excited many Frenchmen by promising the U.S. that "America can rely on our friendship." Then President Bush excited Americans even more by promising that we will never need to rely on the French.


Rocket Returns
Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement to rejoin the New York Yankees. Of course the way the Yankees have been pitching, they should get Whitey Ford out of retirement too.


Queen at the Derby
The good news is Queen Elizabeth enjoyed herself immensely at this weekend's Kentucky Derby. The bad news is she enjoyed betting so much she's now slated to see a dog race in Fort Lauderdale before heading to a cock fight in Tijuana.


Candidates on Evolution
Some Americans were shocked last week when three GOP presidential candidates openly stated that they do not belive in evolution. Well, it's hard to believe in survival of the fittest after you've seen the lunch buffet at Denny's.


Corzine Return
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine says he plans to get back to work Monday... so motorists are advised to avoid the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway until further notice.


Student Loan Investigation
New York and New Jersey are issuing subpoenas as they look into potential misconduct in the student loan market. But strangely, no one is charging any of the colleges for the crime of charging more than 40 grand a year in tuition.

McGreevey Converts
Disgraced former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has joined the Episcopal Church and will study at an Episcopal seminary. McGreevey was eager to join the one entity in America with fewer morals than the New Jersey state government.


GM Results
GM says its first quarter profits fell by 90% because of problems in the mortgage business... which makes sense since most of its employees are now living in their cars.


Americans Arrested
Mexican authorities arrested five U.S. citizens today and accused them of trying to kidnap two men in Mexico. This crushes all hope of Bennigan's getting a couple of new dishwashers before the San Diego dinner rush.


U.S.-Syria Talks
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met Syria's foreign minister today in the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. They spent most of the meeting making fun of Nancy Pelosi.


Lohan's Birthday Countdown
Lindsay Lohan says she is "really looking forward and gearing up" for her 21st birthday this July 2nd... so are state troopers in California, New York, and Nevada.


Early Education Funding Bill
Today the House approved a $7.4 billion funding bill for the Head Start program... but added a controversial condition to the measure calling for all pre-schoolers to begin withdrawing to kindergarten by their 6th birthday.


Pet Food Recall
Pet food manufacturer Menu Foods expanded its recall Thursday to include chicken-based cat foods, gravy-based dog foods, and the lunch special at Jack in the Box.

NBA Racism?
A new study of NBA officiating found that referees favor white players... which would be disturbing if the NBA had any white players.


Iranian Loan
Iran has extended $1 billion in loans for reconstruction projects in Iraq. But the loans will be called in if the new buildings do not explode by the end of next year.


Cablevision Goes Private
The Dolan family, owners of the Knicks and Rangers, has finally succeeded in its attempts to take Cablevision private. It was the only way to make sure they would no longer have to listen to the shareholders complaining about Isiah Thomas.


No Joan
Folk singer Joan Baez has been barred from performing at Walter Reade Hospital. Looks like the hospital's officials have finally decided to do something to make the wounded troops feel better.


Hamas Plea
Hamas leader Sheik Ahmad Bahr gave a sermon at a Sudan mosque Friday, calling on Allah to kill Jews and Americans "to the very Last One." The U.N. is rejecting calls to sanction Hamas, but promises to be "on the lookout for that Allah fellow from now on."


Touching Moment
This week, a Massachusetts high school welcomed back a 79-year-old World War II veteran who missed his original prom 62 years ago when he was shipped overseas. The fun and nostaglia ended, however, when he was busted while dancing with a 15-year-old sophomore by the folks from "To Catch a Predator."


Streisand Tickets
Barbra Streisand is charging up to $1,000 for tickets to her concert in London this July. Streisand apologized for the high prices, but reminded fans that she's got a lot of Democratic presidential candidates' mouths to feed.


Yankees Fire Coach
With the Yankees suffering from a rash of suspicious injuries, the team has fired 1st-year strength coach Marty Miller. Miller will now return to Florida, where he's expected to make a fortune in health insurance fraud.


Mom's Pay
New research shows that if the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work, she would earn $138,095 a year. Of course if she were really paid that much, her job would have been outsourced to China years ago.

Immigrant Marches
Thousands of immigrants took to the streets Tuesday in a large nationwide demonstration. The marches were planned to feed into international May Day celebrations... and "sweeps week" ratings for Lou Dobbs Tonight.