Monday, November 30, 2009

Stimulus Jobs Drying Up
A new report shows that thousands of stimulus-created jobs are already wrapping up with no replacements in sight. Luckily, the thousands of imaginary jobs created by the stimulus are expected to last another 500 years.

Afghan Decision
Tonight, President Obama is expected to announce he'll send an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan and about 40,000 troops to protect Democrats in Congress who vote for health care reform.

New Focus
The Pentagon now says it is targeting its most serious inside threats... so the people responsible for the cafeteria food are in big trouble.

Swiss Minaret Ban
Muslim groups say the Swiss vote to ban future construction of Mosque minarets is racist and hateful. They say without the minarets, Swiss Muslims may not find the nearest Mosque where they can spend hours learning racism and hate.

Plane Recovered
An Atlanta World War II vet is reliving his role in history after his fighter plane was pulled from Lake Michigan. He was, after all, the only American pilot to bomb Lake Michigan.

December 1st

1969: The first draft lottery in the United States is held since World War II. Everyone who thinks it's a scratch off ticket lottery is immediately sent to the front lines.

1990: Channel Tunnel sections started from the United Kingdom and France meet 40 metres beneath the seabed. Not long after the first contact, it is determined that the French section gave the British section VD.

1998: Exxon announces a $73.7 billion deal to buy Mobil, thus creating Exxon-Mobil, and offering crazed environmental protesters one-stop shopping.

2006: Mexican President Felipe Calderon declares war on drug traffickers... a declaration somewhat watered down by the fact that he was smuggling heroin out of Tijuana at the time.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Lost Data
Scientists at the University of East Anglia have admitted throwing away much of the raw temperature data on which their predictions of global warming are based... outraging millions of environmentalists demanding to know why they didn't recycle.

Gate Crashers Latest
The public is still up in arms over the phony couple that managed to sneak into the White House... but enough about Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Tiger's Crash
According to a police report, Tiger Woods pulled out of his driveway about 2:25 a.m. Friday, struck a fire hydrant and then a tree. Then he took a two collision penalty and finished the round four crashes over par.

Woods is refusing to talk to police about the crash... not because he committed a crime, but because after his wife confronted him about his alleged affair, Tiger's voice is still a bit too high to talk to anyone right now.

The 911 call from Woods' neighbor has been released, but it only brings up more questions like: Why did Tiger speed away from him house? Why didn't police get their sooner? and Why is Woods living next door to Larry the Cable Guy?

Shame Game
Today the White House will name banks that have not modified enough mortgage loans in hopes of shaming them into helping more homeowners. Experts say this ploy will not work because the economy is getting worse, jobs are scarce, and the banks have no shame.

Booze Cruise
Celebrity Cruise lines is now offering unlimited beer, wine and whiskey on some cruises. This is being done in the hopes that more travelers will fall overboard and Celebrity will be able to double-book their cabins.

November 30th

1783: A 5.3 magnitude earthquake strikes New Jersey... New Jersey actually looks better after the quake.

1993: U.S. President Bill Clinton signs the Brady anti-handgun bill into law. What Mrs. Brady had to do to get Clinton's signature is not disclosed.

1999: Massive protests against corporations and globalism erupt just before the WTO meetings in Seattle, Washington. But the protesters lose a great deal of street cred when it's revealed they all took regular rioting breaks at Starbucks.

November 29th

1877: Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time. Unfortunately, no one really gets his attempts to rap while scratching two turntables at once.

1947: The United Nations General Assembly votes to partition Palestine, offending hundreds of millions of Arabs who wanted the right to blow the whole country up.

1965: Canadian Space Agency launches the satellite Alouette 2. It crashes back to Earth as soon as it runs out of beer.

November 28th

1811: Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op. 73, was premiered at the Gewandhaus in Leipzig. Despite rave reviews and lucrative receipts, Beethoven stll refuses to purchase any hair products.

1895: Frank Duryea wins the first American automobile race, taking 10 hours to get from Chicago's Jackson Park to Evanston, Illinois... which is half the time it currently takes to get from Chicago to Evanston during rush hour.

1989: The Communist Party of Czechoslovakia announces it will give up its monopoly on political power... and move to the United States to take over the Bowl Championship Series selection process.

November 27th

1830: St. Catherine Laboure experienced a vision of the Blessed Virgin standing on a globe, crushing the feet of a serpent, and eminating rays of light from her hands. Her experience inspires millions of pilgrims to begin looking for her stash.

1839: In Boston, Massachusetts, the American Statistical Association is founded... also known as "The Society for Guys who ain't Getting Any."

2004: Pope John Paul II returns the relics of Saint John Chrysostom to the Eastern Orthodox Church. Tragically, he forgets to get a receipt.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

November 26th

1842: The University of Notre Dame is founded. Calls to fire the football coach begin the next day.

1917: The National Hockey League is formed by the Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators, and the Canadian Dental Association.

1941: U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs a bill establishing the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day in the United States. Roosevelt also declares Thanksgiving as a day of mourning for all fans of the Detroit Lions.


A Swiss court has just granted Roman Polanski's bail request. But just to be safe, the justice ministry says Polanski's release won't happen until the end of the current Hannah Montana concert tour.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

State Dinner Menu
Hollywood stars and moguls made up most of the A-list guests at the vegetarian White House state dinner last night. To make sure he got at least some meat at the event, David Geffen brought Adam Lambert.

Black Friday Preps
Retailers are beefing up security for this week's Black Friday sales... but this time they'll need to protect themselves not from a crush of shoppers, but a stampede of people applying for a job.

Medical Costs
Lawyers and court officials say that medical bills are causing more bankruptcies across the country... for example, medicare costs have been bankrupting the government for 20 years.

Dobbs vs. Menendez
Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs is considering running for the senate in 2012 against New Jersey incumbent Robert Menendez... or having him deported, whichever's easier.

California Emissions
California has taken a major step toward limiting greenhouse gas emissions by actively looking to bankrupt the last three business that still makes anything in that state.

November 25th

1783: Three months after the end of the Revolutionary war, the last British troops leave New York... the city hasn't been clean or safe since.

1826: The Greek frigate Hellas arrives in Nafplion to become the first flagship of the Hellenic Navy... and to deliver a major shipment of gyros and cheeseburgers.

1984: 36 top musicians gather in a Notting Hill studio and record Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas? in order to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia, and annoy radio listeners every December for the next 25 years running.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Obama and Singh
President Obama will answer questions about the economy at a news conference today with Indian Prime Minister Singh. Singh won't be answering any questions himself, he's just there as tech support for Obama's teleprompter.

Afghan Decision
President Obama says he will finally make his decision on U.S. troops in Afghanistan within the next few days... he's just waiting for the Pentagon to build a bomb that delivers Miranda rights along with explosives.

Milk Scandal
Two people were executed in China today for their part in a tainted milk scandal that killed six infants. An hour later, two waiters were shot to death at Le Cirque for serving supposedly skim Lattes with 2%.

Playboy Deal
Playboy is outsourcing most of its operations to a Florida's American Media International. This after outsouring all of its centerfolds to airbrushers and plastic surgeons.

Not in a Coma
Doctors in Britain have discovered that a paralyzed man was actually fully awake for the last 23 Years, and not in vegetative state as everyone believed. Caring for a man who appears to be in a coma is exactly what it's like to work for Senator Robert Byrd.

November 24th

1859: Charles Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species... mostly as a goof on his mother-in-law who looked a lot like a chimpanzee.

1898: The International Conference for the Social Defense Against Anarchists opens in Rome... but no one remembers to put up and signs and it decays into total chaos.

1963: Lee Harvey Oswald is fatally shot by Jack Ruby in the basement of Dallas police department headquarters. The shooting is broadcast live on television and sponsored by Brill Cream.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Kennedy Barred
Rhode Island's top Roman Catholic leader has asked Rep. Patrick Kennedy to stop taking Communion... not because of Kennedy's support for abortion rights, but because he keeps hogging all the wine.

Dimon for Treasury?
Support is growing for JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to take over as Secretary of the Treasury. The only trouble is that if Dimon goes to the government, there will be no one left in America earning any money.

Unqualified to Serve
The latest Army statistics show a stunning 75% of military-age youth are ineligible to join the military because they're overweight, can't pass entrance exams, have dropped out of high school or had run-ins with the law. Luckily, all of those people are very qualified for jobs in Congress.

Scared Money
A new report shows that investors are remaining cautious despite the recent run-up in stocks. Experts say Americans are scared by job losses, bank failures and everything they saw on last nights American Music Awards.

Debt Balloons
Experts say the ultralow interest rates the U.S. has been paying on its colossal debt may not last much longer. To avoid debt collectors and repo men, the government is parking all of its aircraft carriers at a friend's house.

November 23rd

1889: The first jukebox goes into operation at the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco. It is destroyed by angry mob five hours later when it won't stop playing Frere Jacques.

1946: The Workers Party of South Korea is founded. The Call in Sick Party of South Korea remains more popular.

1963: The BBC broadcasts the first ever episode of Doctor Who, helping the world identify geeks a full two years before Star Trek.

November 22nd

1922: Howard Carter, assisted by Lord Carnarvon, opens the tomb of Tutankhamun. They immediately find really cool stuff to sell at museum gift shops all over the world.

1928: The premier performance of Ravel's Boléro takes place in Paris. The performance has to be stopped after 30 minutes because the audience is too turned on.

1990: Margaret Thatcher withdraws from Britain's Conservative Party leadership election, confirming the end of her premiership. She remains the last British Prime Minister with any balls.

November 21st

164 BC: Judah Maccabee restores the Temple in Jerusalem. This event is commemorated each year by the festival of Hanukkah and about 17 anti-Israel U.N. resolutions.

1861: Confederate President Jefferson Davis appoints the Jewish Judah Benjamin secretary of war confusing members of the KKK for generations to come.

1964: The Verrazano-Narrows Bridge opens, defying all the engineering experts who predicted no one would ever willingly go to Staten Island.

2002: NATO invites Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia to become members. But the effort is foiled when it turns out NATO forgot to add a stamped response envelope.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Oprah Quitting
Oprah Winfrey says she will stop doing her talk show in 2011. But her followers all say that when she goes off the air, she will return to them in three days.

Harvard Yale: The Game
60,000 people will be at the Harvard-Yale football game tomorrow. Usually to get that much money and power in one place you have to be in the Goldman Sachs bathroom.

Swine Flu Lie
A Pennsylvania man is in trouble for pretending he had swine flu to get out of jury duty. When he made his announcement, everyone else in the courtroom realized they'd rather really have swine flu than be on jury duty.

Big Bear in Tahoe
Lake Tahoe is being terrorized by a 700-pound black bear. Local residents say the bear is costing taxpayers millions because he's constantly in the emergency room with obesity-related health problems.

Election Delay
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has confirmed that the next round of elections in the West Bank and Gaza will be postponed. The vote will be rescheduled as soon as Hamas and Fatah can agree on how to use exploding ballots.

November 20th

284: Diocletian is chosen as Roman Emperor, beating out all the other finalists on "Roman Idol."

1789: New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights, and the first state to allow acid wash pantaloons.

1992: A fire breaks out in England's Windsor Castle, badly damaging the castle and causing over £50 million worth of damage. The aftermath of the fire brought some difficult questions, like why the royal family kept £50 million in cash at Windsor Castle.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Air Traffic Snarl
A massive failure in the nation's air traffic control system is delaying flights across the country. Experts say it's not cyber terrorism because our air traffic system isn't compatable with anything newer than a Commodore VIC 20.

The Botax
The Democrats' Senate health care bill includes a new tax on elective plastic surgery. The good news is that if the bill is passed, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden plan to leave the country.

Karzai Promise
Afghan President Hamid Karzai vowed today to focus on corruption and drug-trafficking during his second term in office. But it's hard to believe his administration could do a better job at corrupt drug traffickers than it was in its first term.

Stimulus Probe
A House committee will hold a hearing today to look into the White House's claim that the stimulus has saved or created 640,000 jobs. The first witness was supposed to be the guy responsible for counting the new jobs, but he can't make it because his abacus is broken.

Cockpit Computer Ban
A new bill calls for a ban on personal laptops and handheld computers in the cockpits of commercial airlines. Pilots are supporting the measure, mostly because those computers get in the way of their frozen margarita machines.

November 19th

1794: The United States and the Kingdom of Great Britain sign Jay's Treaty, which attempts to resolve some of the lingering problems left over from the American Revolutionary War... like who got the remaining toothpaste. America won.

1946: Afghanistan, Iceland and Sweden join the United Nations... mostly for the free parking in Manhattan.

1990: Pop group Milli Vanilli are stripped of their Grammy Award because the duo did not sing at all on the Girl You Know It’s True album. But the session musicians who did do the singing were jailed for crimes against humanity.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Big Screen Vote
The California state legislature will vote today on whether to ban energy-draining big screen TV's. But voters just want to ban the TV's that show "The View."

Health Care vs. Jobs
As Congress continues to debate health care reform, most Americans just want the government to do something about unemployment. Luckily, Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid's jobs should be available in about 11 months.

China Assessment
The White House says President Obama's trip to China was a success... mostly because at no time during the visit did the Chinese try to repossess his car.

Newspaper Raid
Police raided the circulation offices of the New York Times yesterday. They were looking into wild accusations that the Times may actually still have some paying subscribers.

Cage's Woes
Actor Nicolas Cage is still in financial trouble, as he is scrounging for the cash to pay his tax bills, mortgage expenses, and everyone in America who suffered through Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

November 18th

1210: Pope Innocent III excommunicates Holy Roman Emperor Otto IV. Otto IV responds by "unfriending" him on the Holy Roman Facebook.

1493: Christopher Columbus first sights what is now Puerto Rico. But he is unable to land there because the Puerto Rican Day Parade really screwed up all the traffic on the Island.

1904: General Esteban Huertas steps down after the government of Panama fears he wants to stage a coup... when in reality he just wanted to stage a revival of HMS Pinafore.

1905: Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway. A week later, he tries cross dressing and becomes the Queen of France.