Iraq Vote
By a 50-48 vote, the Senate has approved a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. But by a 98-0 vote, the Senators rejected a proposed timetable for withdrawing from their interns.


The Boss' Daughter
George Steinbrenner's daughter is getting a divorce. The list of possible new husbands she's reportedly considering includes Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi and Yogi Berra,


Versace Anorexia
Fashion queen Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia... apparently a result of what she learned from "take your daughter to work day."

Versace Anorexia II
Fashion queen Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia... saddening her mother who says she brought her daughter up to be anorexic AND a heroin addict.



Gonzales Hearing
Former top aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Kyle Sampson, says none of the U.S. Attorneys fired by the Justice Department were sacked "for an improper reason." Too bad Sampson forgot that you're never allowed to fire a federal employee for any reason.


Sex Patch
A new patch that helps boost a woman's sex drive has been approved in Europe, but not in the U.S. That's because in America, men shower.


Iran Protests
Angry Iranians took to the streets of Tehran today to protest against the British sailors seized by Iran this weekend. Apparently, average citizens are furious that the prisoners are getting special privileges most Iranians never get, like food, water, and a bed.


GOP Polls
Despite general discontent over the war in Iraq, every poll shows the leading Republican candidates are all ahead of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards. This is confounding experts who can't understand why more Americans aren't willing to support a liar, a novice, and a guy we should like just because his wife has cancer.


Ethanol Demand
Demand for ethanol has raised corn prices drastically. It's getting so bad, cows are begging for handouts at my local Exxon station.


Coach Slurs
After calling Jews "crafty" and saying that Jews "are really running this country," former NBA star Michael Ray Richardson has been suspended from his job as a minor league basketball coach. But Richardson was immediately hired by the political science department at Harvard University.

Iran Response
Despite photographic proof showing otherwise, Iran insists that the British sailors it's imprisoned were inside Iranian waters when they were seized. Of course Tehran also considers "Iranian waters" to be the entire Persian Gulf, the Mediterranean Sea, and Lake Michigan.

U.S. Involvement
Iran may have seized the British sailors in the hopes that they could be exchanged for Iranian spies now being held in the U.S. But the White House says the only Iranian operative in the U.S. that it's willing to hand over is Sean Penn.


Iraq Withdrawal Bill
Senate Democrats have passed a bill that withholds funding for the war in Iraq unless the White House agrees to a U.S withdrawal by the spring of 2008. Inspired by the Democrats, the Shakopee Indian tribe is threatening to withhold all casino slot machine winnings until the U.S. agrees to withdraw from Minnesota by 2009.


SF Plastic Ban
Trying to be more "green," San Francisco's Board of Supervisors has voted to become the first U.S. city to ban plastic bags from large supermarkets. In order to meet the expected demand for more paper bags, developers have chopped down the Redwood Forest.


Recession Fears
Despite inflation and mortgage concerns, Fed chief Ben Bernanke says the chances of recession remain "remote." That's because the Congressional Democrats have been so busy trying to stop the War in Iraq, they've forgotten to raise taxes.


Peretz Future
Israeli Labor Party leader Amir Peretz says he now wants to leave his post as defense minister and take over the treasury... where he plans to give all of Israel's money to Hezbollah.

Snow Cancer
White House spokesman Tony Snow announced today that his cancer had returned... infuriating the Edwards campaign who says it officially called "dibs" on cancer last week.


Iran "Offended"
U.N. spokespersons are criticizing the U.S. for its naval show of force in the Persian Gulf, saying it's sure to offend Iran. In fact, the Iranians are so offended by it that today they forgot to work on their secret plan to annihilate the world with nuclear weapons.


IRS Crackdown
The IRS is no longer going to consider most donations of used clothes as charitable deductions. So from now on, the only people interested Bill Clinton's old boxers are the folks in the prosecutor's office.


Ferrari Crash
Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack, destroying the car but escaping uninjured. Usually to waste that much money and come away unscathed you have to be a Congressman.



Anna Nicole's System
The coroner's report confirms Anna Nicole Smith had eight prescription drugs in her system; which means she probably died from having to get all the different physician referrals.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Shiite Movement
Iraqi government officials say as many as 3,000 men have left Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army to receive financing and training directly from Iran. It's all part of what al-Sadr calls the "terrorist semester abroad" program.



Edwards Stays In
Former Senator John Edwards announced his presidential campaign will go on today, despite his wife's cancer diagnosis. His terminal poll numbers haven't stopped him either.

Former Senator John Edwards announced his presidential campaign will go on today, despite his wife's cancer diagnosis. Democrats are also announcing their campaign to somehow blame the cancer on Ann Coulter.



View Debate
On the View this week, Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck revealed that they have been having a heated debate over the use of torture in the interrogation of terrorism suspects. And when it comes to torture, the folks on "The View" are definitely the experts.


Moral Center
Scientists say that damage to an area of the brain behind the forehead transforms the way people make moral judgments in life-or-death situations. It's yet another reason to whack the heads of anyone who works for the New York Times editorial page.

Rove Offer
President Bush has offered to let Karl Rove talk privately with committee members, but not under oath... which is strange since Rove has wanted to swear at Congressional Democrats for months now.


King of the Vatican
Boxing promoter Don King got a front row seat this week for a general audience with Pope Benedict XVI. King is hoping to arrange a 15-round bout between Benedict and the Dalai Lama.



Palestinian Newspaper
For the first time ever, a Palestinian newspaper is being sold at Israeli newsstands. As soon as you open it up, it explodes.

Palestinian Newspaper II
For the first time ever, a Palestinian newspaper is being sold at Israeli newsstands. It's called "The New York Times."



Woody's Dad Dies
Woody Harrelson's father has died in prison of a heart attack at the age of 69. The elder Harrelson was actually said to be in good condition until someone smuggled in a DVD of "Money Train" and showed in the inmate common area.


Lohan Interview
In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina compared her daughter to Princess Diana, warning that if the paparazzi keep chasing her, she’ll end up dead too. Well, we can always hope.


Strange Bedfellow
A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer, but he will be evaluated as a sex offender and have to undergo treatment. It's not clear what doctors will treat first: his desire to have sex with animals, or his desire to have sex with dead animals.

Lost Scout Found
Searchers have found 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry, who had been missing from a camping trip for four days. Auberry can now return to his troop and resume being sexually abused by his Scout Master.




Clinton vs. Obama
The Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigns are getting into a war of words over which one opposes the war in Iraq more. This will all become extremely important a few years from now when Islamic terrorists are trying to decide which one of them to behead first.



Grand Canyon Skywalk
The $30 million Grand Canyon Skywalk opened Tuesday. The structure was immediately used by four Mexican tourists to illegally enter the country.





Bush Assures Alberto
President Bush reaffirmed his "strong backing and support" for Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales in a telephone conversation with him this morning... but we only know that because the Democrats subpoenaed the White House phone records.




Mega Winners
A New Jersey couple has finally emerged as the other winners in a record Mega Millions lottery that will net them $88 million. But since they live in New Jersey, they'll have to spend most of that money on property taxes and car insurance.


Hermione Stays
Producers of the Harry Potter movies say actress Emma Watson will be back as Hermione for the final two movies. Despite the future movies' expected success, Democrats had been demanding that Watson withdraw by 2008.



Alzheimer's Report
A new report shows that the number of people in the U.S. who have Alzheimer's disease is 10% higher than previous nationwide estimates. Well, that explains why Hillary Clinton's campaign is getting so much support.



Mills Dances
During her first appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Heather Mills was complimented by a judge who said, "You've got more guts than Rambo." Incidentally, Rambo is actually Mills' divorce lawyer.



Rowing Invasion
Ukrainian border guards arrested Belarus' national rowing team Tuesday for illegally entering the country on a flotilla of eight boats. This is what happens when people watch too much of the movie "300."

CBS Internships
CBS News has launched a new internship application program called "Springboard," which asks college students to send in evidence of their "special talents"... like the ability to forge National Guard documents and then pack up a recently fired executive producer's desk in under 15 minutes.




Spector Trial
Record producer Phil Spector goes on trial for murder in Los Angeles today. Spector is also being sued in another L.A. court for illegally stealing his look from the people who make the Chia Pet.



Mars Ice
A spacecraft orbiting Mars has scanned huge deposits of water ice at its south pole so plentiful they would blanket the planet in 36 feet of water if they were liquid. But the people of Mars needn't worry; Al Gore is on the way.



Hooters in Israel
U.S. restaurant chain Hooters, known for waitresses in low-cut blouses and short skirts, will open its first branch in Tel Aviv this summer. In a landmark agreement, Arab terrorists and ultra Orthodox Jews have both agreed to bomb the restaurant within two weeks of its opening.




New Super Jumbo Jet
The world's largest passenger plane, the 555-seat Airbus A380, made its debut in the United States on Monday. The new jet is expected to set records for stranding the most people at departure gates for years to come.




Older Opposition
A new poll shows that a growing number of Americans over the age of 50 oppose the war in Iraq. But it's not clear if they're really against the war, or if they just want to get more use out of all those peace signs they made in the 60's.




Diplomatic Visit
Palestinian Authority prime minister Ismail Haniyeh received his first Western dignitary at his Gaza City headquarters Monday... and promptly kidnapped him.





Hitler Citizenship
In a symbolic gesture of national remorse, a German politician is seeking to officially revoke Adolf Hitler's German citizenship. But if the resolution passes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has offered to immediately make Hitler a full citizen of Iran.





Ahmadinejad Trip
The U.S. government has granted a visa to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, allowing him to travel to New York next week... but only if he flies on JetBlue or U.S. Airways during a weekend snowstorm.




King Surgery
Larry King underwent vascular surgery Friday... a procedure medical ethicists are questioning because Larry King died about 7 years ago.

New Fashion Line
Sarah Jessica Parker is launching a new fashion company that will promote cheap women's clothing. That's opposed to her work in "Sex in the City," which just promoted cheap women.


Airport Nightmare
As many as 100,000 U.S. Airways passengers are still stranded in airports on the East Coast after Friday's ice storm. The good news is most of them are now having a wild slumber party with the stranded passengers from JetBlue.


Israel Nixes Palestinian Talks
Israel is refusing to negotiate with the new Hamas-Fatah coalition government, because the Palestinians still haven't recognized Israel's right to exist. Luckily for America's lawyers, this is not a pre-condition for divorce negotiations.


Blockbuster Woes
Blockbuster's quarterly profit plunged 28%, but company CEO John Antioco is still demanding more than the $2.3 million in bonus payments he's already received this year. Antioco insists he needs that extra money so he can buy more shares of Netflix.


Teen Dangers
A national survey of teenage workers found that about half were exposed to serious hazards on the job. And those were just the kids who admitted to eating the fries during their breaks at McDonald's.


Gates Wants Help
Bill Gates wants Congress to expand the number of foreign engineers and scientists allowed to work in the United States. Gates needs this to happen so he can continue blaming all the bugs in the new Vista operating system on, "that Foreign guy."

Mohammed Confesses
Imprisoned terror leader Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is now claiming personal responsibility for the 9/11 attacks, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the Richard Reid "shoe bombing," and several other plots. But experts say Mohammed probably confessed to all these acts just to get his trial over with in time to fill out his NCAA Tournament brackets.

Mohammed Confesses II
Imprisoned Terror leader Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is now claiming personal responsibility for the 9/11 attacks, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the Richard Reid "shoe bombing," and leaving the seat up in the master bathroom a record 16 nights in a row.


College Boozing
A new study shows that nearly half of America's 5.4 million full-time college students abuse drugs or drink alcohol on binges at least once a month. It's not clear whether this is because of peer pressure or because most of the kids are just trying to forget that they already have more than $100,000 in student loans.


College Boozing II
A new study shows that nearly half of America's 5.4 million full-time college students abuse drugs or drink alcohol on binges at least once a month. Well, at 40 grand per year for tuition, those kids BETTER be getting as much booze and weed as they want!



Stark Comes Clean
Democratic Congressman Pete Stark has made a public statement that he doesn't believe in God. In a related story, God has just made a public statement that he doesn't believe in the Democrats.


Expensive Pie
New York's Nino's restaurateur is now serving a pizza that sells for $1,000. The delivery boy has to bring it to your house in a Brinks truck.


Hillary Flip Flop
In an interview Wednesday, Senator Hillary Clinton said it was for "others to conclude," whether homosexuality was immoral but later issued a statement saying that she did not think being gay was immoral. There's no word on whether she thinks it's moral to never even try to tell the truth or remain consistent at any time.


Bat Ban
New York City's Council passed a bill Wednesday banning the use of metal baseball bats in high school games. But it is still legal to use them in the regularly scheduled brawls in the playground after school.


Beverly Hills Mayor
Iranian born Jimmy Delshad has won the election for mayor of Beverly Hills. Even the three non-Iranians who still live in Beverly Hills voted for him.

Starbucks Music
Starbucks has teamed with Concord Music Group and will start selling music on its own record label. Copying its winning business plan for coffee sales, Starbucks plans on selling songs for $5 apiece, even though you can get the same music on iTunes for 99 cents.


Jolie Adoption
Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday where she is expected to adopt a 3 year-old boy. This is the same 3 year-old boy that Jennifer Aniston was preparing to adopt before Jolie butted in.



Gays in the Military
The number of homosexuals discharged from the military under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy dropped significantly in 2006, leading critics to charge that the military is retaining gay men and lesbians because it needs them in a time of war. Well, it's either that or the army really needs people to help redecorate the Pentagon.



French Gay Marriage
France's highest court annulled the country's only same-sex marriage this week, ruling that "under French law, marriage is a union between a man and a woman... and his mistress, her mistress, the maid, the pool boy, and a dog named 'Fifi."


Star Wars Fan Films
Lucasfilm has announced a deal to show Star Wars related films made by fans on Spike TV. Film critics say whatever the fans come up with, they couldn't be any worse than the last three Star Wars films released in the theaters.


Iraq Vote
The Senate voted 89 to 9 Wednesday to begin its first formal debate on the Iraq war since Democrats took control of Congress in January. So it's taken two months for the Democrats to even agree to argue about Iraq... I guess that's the fast-action the American voters were hoping for back in November!


Whitney Comeback
Whitney Houston has started work on her comeback album... but calls to tap the nation's strategic cocaine reserve are being rejected by the White House.


Population Explosion
A new report says the world's population will likely reach 9.2 billion by 2050. Experts are concerned because they say such population growth will deplete food supplies, spread disease, and contribute to even more glitches in the telephone voting for American Idol.


Iranian Deadbeats
The Russian company helping to build Iran's nuclear power program says that the opening of the nation's first reactor will be postponed because of Iranian payment delays. But Iran's government argues that since it plans to use the nuclear program to destroy the world, why bother paying for it?


O.J. Residuals
Lawyers for Ron Goldman's family are trying to get residuals from O.J. Simpson's films to go toward the $38 million he owes them the wrongful death judgement against him. But legal experts say most of those residuals are owed to the people who saw O.J. Simpson's films and have won the legal right to get their money back.


Libby Poll
A new poll shows that more than two-thirds of Americans say Scooter Libby does not deserve a presidential pardon, even though they think he was a "fall guy" for Vice President Cheney. In a separate poll, two-thirds of Americans admitted they have no idea what they're talking about.


Gore Fest
Al Gore wants to stage "Live Earth," a global-warming concert, on the Capitol grounds, featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Police, Kanye West, Genesis, Faith Hill, and Kelly Clarkson. Oh great, Gore has already ruined the movies; now he's trying to destroy music too?


Sunshine Week
Congressional Democrats launched "Sunshine Week" on Wednesday, with bills to increase public access to government activities and protect whistle-blowers. But the resolution ended up confusing Senator Ted Kennedy, who thought it was an excuse to walk around his office in the nude.

Pace Under Fire
Joint Chiefs Chairman General Peter Pace told Congress yesterday that he believes homosexual acts are "immoral." Well, if he truly believes that, I think he really needs to get a new wardrobe.

Joint Chiefs Chairman General Peter Pace is coming under fire from liberals for saying that he believes homosexual acts are "immoral." Congressional Democrats plan to respond by cutting off funding to all the straight troops in Iraq by 2008.

Joint Chiefs Chairman General Peter Pace is coming under fire from liberals for saying that he believes homosexual acts are "immoral." But aren't these the same people who say we should try to find more things in common with the Muslims?



Gonzales Controversy
Democrats are calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' resignation after it was revealed that he tried to remove all 93 U.S. attorneys in 2004. In a related story, Gonzales' approval rating has soared to 99% after it was revealed that he tried to fire 93 lawyers.


Box Office Numbers
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was 300, which made 70 million dollars. That's one dollar for every impaling.




Bush in Colombia
President Bush's visit to Colombia this weekend had to be cut to just six hours because of security jitters in the violence-plagued nation. But the Secret Service says it was still safer for the president in Bogota than it is when he visits San Francisco.


Embarrassed Ambassador
The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador has been recalled after he was found bound, drunk and naked wearing sex toys in the yard of his residence. The most shocking thing about this story is the fact that Israel has an ambassador to El Salvador.

Embarrassed Ambassador II
The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador who was recalled after he was found bound, drunk and naked wearing sex toys in the yard of his residence is already back in Jerusalem. The Israeli government believes he is the most qualified person to replace disgraced President Moshe Katsav.


Mills Betting
An online gambling site is taking bets on whether Heather Mills' artificial leg will fall off during her upcoming appearance on "Dancing with the Stars." If it does fall off, her lawyers are prepared to demand a one-time payment of $500 billion from Paul McCartney.


Bin Laden Turns 50
Osama bin Laden turned 50 years old this weekend. And the U.S. government would like Mr. bin Laden to know that they have a very special present waiting for him, which he can pick up at Guantanamo Bay anytime he likes.


Injured Panda
An animal research center in northern China has appealed to the world for help to find an artificial leg for a female panda to help her mate. Of course, the panda will be free to use whichever one of Heather Mills' legs that fall off during "Dancing with the Stars."


French Euthansia
About 2,000 French doctors have signed a petition urging the government to legalize euthanasia. Experts aren't sure why such a law is necessary in a country where surrendering has been the national sport since 1914.

Chrysler Recovery Plan
Chrysler is going to offer many of its hourly U.S. workers at select plants up to $100,000 to leave the company as part of its recovery plan. Another part of its recovery plan is a proposal to pay every American $100,000 to buy a Chrysler.


Sutherland in D.C.
"24" star Kiefer Sutherland is in Washington, D.C. this week to promote a documentary film. But most Americans are hoping he really makes himself useful during the visit and waterboard's the Congressmen responsible for moving Daylight Savings up three weeks.

Sutherland in D.C. II
"24" star Kiefer Sutherland is in Washington, D.C. this week to promote a documentary film. While he's there, Sutherland is also doing research on new methods of torture for his hit TV series by meeting with the people who schedule all those Congressional hearings.


Kiley Ousted
Lt. Gen. Kevin Kiley has lost his job as Army surgeon general... not because of the care scandal at Walter Reed Medical Center, but because he failed to fill out all the proper forms for his malpractice insurance.


Thompson in the Race?
Actor and former Republican U.S. Senator Fred Thompson says he's considering entering the 2008 presidential race. Thompson figures that as an outspoken conservative in Hollywood, he has a much better chance of winning the White House than an Oscar.



Halliburton Move
Democratic members of Congress are criticizing Halliburton for its new plan to move its headquarters and CEO to Dubai. But insiders say it's not clear what the Democrats are mad about, as they've been driving big American corporations out the U.S. for decades.


Hagel Holds Off
Senator Chuck Hagel said Monday that he is not jumping into the 2008 presidential race — for now — so he can concentrate on global concerns... particularly finding a place in the world where he can hide from the conservatives he's stabbed in the back over the last year.


Officer Shortage
Records show that the Army is facing a critical shortage of mid-level officers. Most of the military commanders figure that if they're going to spend their careers getting attacked by Congressional Democrats, they might as well do it while working in corporate America.



Miami Airport Booze
Officials at Miami International Airport say they have thousands of bottles of alcohol they've confiscated from passengers since October. They're not sure whether to throw them out, or just offer them to the people who have been waiting at the JetBlue departure gate since January.

Elderly Ladies Mugged
New York City police are looking for a man who mugged an 85-year-old and a 101-year-old woman. Usually the only thugs who attack and rob the elderly are the bureaucrats who work for Medicare.


Missing Girl Found
A newborn girl who was abducted Saturday morning from a hospital Texas, has been located in New Mexico. The parents of the child are overjoyed to have her back, but also a little sad... because it's really hard to find a babysitter these days.



Chirac Bows Out
French President Jacques Chirac announced Sunday that he will not be seeking re-election. After four decades in politics, he finally ran out of reasons to remain a coward and a liar.

Patriot Act Flap
The Inspector General is complaining that the FBI has been using the Patriot Act to abuse the legal system. In a related story, Americans are complaining that terrorists have been using the legal system to abuse the United States.



Edwards Bows Out
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is refusing to participate in a debate broadcast on the FOX News Channel. Edwards says he's just too afraid to appear on anything Ann Coulter might be watching.

Edwards Bows Out II
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is refusing to participate in a debate broadcast on the FOX News Channel. Incidentally, the FOX News Channel will also be televising the 2009 presidential inauguration... and Edwards won't be appearing on that broadcast either.


Kaplan's Plan
New CBS Evening News executive producer says he wants the broadcast to be more about hard news from now on. Kaplan is implementing that strategy immediately by sending Katie Couric on a six-week vacation.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Hagel Announcement
Anti-war Senator Chuck Hagel is expected to announce his candidacy for president sometime today. Hagel would have made the announcement sooner, but he couldn't figure out whether he should run as a Republican or a Democrat.



Save Katie!
CBS is bringing in former CNN and MSNBC chief Rick Kaplan to help boost Katie Couric's sagging ratings. Although judging by Kaplan's track record, it's not clear if he'll revive her ratings or euthanize them.

Save Katie! II
CBS is bringing in former CNN and MSNBC chief Rick Kaplan to help boost Katie Couric's sagging ratings. In a related story, the Democrats are bringing back George McGovern.

Kaplan is expected to be paid more than one million dollars to take the new job. Of course, CBS could use that money more wisely by just paying people to watch Katie Couric.

Kaplan takes over at CBS after driving down the ratings at CNN and unsuccessfully trying to create ratings at MSNBC... proving once again that in the news media, nothing succeeds like failure.

The official CBS announcement released today says that Kaplan will become the new executive producer "effective immediately." Talk about wishful thinking... Kaplan's not ever going to be effective!

Rick Kaplan's Top 5 Ratings Boosters For CBS News

5) Focus on the important stuff first, like Katie's makeup and wardrobe

4) Bring in the three people who watch MSNBC and ask for their opinions

3) Break into a million homes, turn TV's to CBS, then steal the remotes

2) Two words: "Heather Locklear"

1) Just air a "Two and a Half Men" rerun and call it a night



Abdullah's Call
During an address to Congress yesterday, Jordan's King Abdullah said the United States must become the leading force for peace in the Middle East. If that happens, the King promised that Jordan would continue to have no effect on anything whatsoever.



Williams in Iraq
NBC news anchor Brian Williams is being criticized for going to Iraq and risking his life. But Williams says he's being cautious, and the only people taking unnecessary risks in evening news these days are the guys working with Katie Couric.



Troop Withdrawal Bill
Congressional Democrats have unveiled legislation that would require U.S. combat troops to withdraw from Iraq by the fall of 2008... although they say they are willing to accept a compromise bill that would require the Republicans to withdraw from the White House in the fall of 2008.


Petraeus on Military Force
General David Petraeus now says military force alone will not be enough to stabilize the situation in Iraq and the Middle East. But experts say that isn't true, since the U.S. army could easily bomb al Jazeera right now.

Ohio Lottery Meltdown
As thousands tried to buy tickets for last night's $370 million Megaball jackpot, Ohio's statewide lottery ticket system broke down about 25 minutes before the deadline. Democrats claim it's because the computers thought the ticket buyers were trying to vote for president.


Naomi's Punishment
Naomi Campbell will don an orange safety vest this month while she mops floors as part of her court-ordered punishment for attacking her former maid. An orange "evening vest" inspired by Campbell's attire is already being designed by Vera Wang and is expected to retail for $3,600.

Naomi Campbell's friends say doing the work will not be hard for her. The only true challenge for Campbell will be trying to figure what to do during her lunch breaks.



Oprah's Secret
Oprah Winfrey is endorsing a new self-help book called "The Secret," that urges readers to believe in the power of positive thinking... something Oprah is obviously already doing by not assuming this book is not just another work of plagiarism and fraud.


New Big McBurger
McDonald's is set to introduce its biggest-ever burger: the "Third Pounder." It's not clear whether the new sandwich will attract more customers or just more lawyers.


Giuliani Problems
Speaking about Rudy Giuliani, a Southern Baptist leader says evangelical voters will have a tough time supporting a pro-gun control, pro choice candidate who has also been married three times. This means Giuliani could have solved all his personal and political problems had he just bought a gun and shot his first two wives instead of marrying them.



Gitmo Hearings
Pentagon officials overseeing secret hearings for 14 accused terrorists at Guantanamo Bay this week say there will be "redactions in the transcript for national security." I have a better idea... instead of redacting the transcript, why don't we just redact the number of terrorists from 14 to 0?

BREAKING NEWS!!! Scooter Libby Found Guilty!

A federal jury has just found I. "Scooter" Libby guilty in the CIA leak case. This is really bad news for Libby, as "Scooter" just can't be a good nickname to have in prison.

Luckily for the jurors, all they had to do was agree on a verdict... since none of them could understand the charges.

Libby could be sentenced to up to 30 years in prison... which is about how long it'll be before the Democrats stop talking about this verdict.

The jury found that Libby lied to NBC newsman Tim Russert. But seriously, is there a politician in Washington who hasn't lied to Tim Russert?



Walter Reed Scandal
President Bush has named Democrat Donna Shalala and Republican Bob Dole to head a commission to investigate problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. That's good, because if there's one thing that can help our wounded troops; it's a good old fashioned bipartisan commission.

Walter Reed Scandal II
President Bush has named Democrat Donna Shalala and Republican Bob Dole to head a commission to investigate problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The President chose them in the spirit of bipartisanship... and because both Shalala and Dole already spend most of their days getting treated at Walter Reed hospital.



Artest Arrested
Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest was arrested Monday and excused indefinitely from the team after a woman said he shoved her to the floor inside his home and prevented her from calling 911. In his defense, Artest insists he thought the woman was a drunken Pistons fan.


Mega Millions Jackpot
Tonight's Mega Millions jackpot is now more than $370 million. The winner will automatically become the front runner in the 2008 presidential race.

Iranian Power
A new report by a U.S. think tank says Iran's military power is exaggerated and that it does not have the ability to fight the American or Israeli armies. Iran is using this report to justify its continued targeting of American and Israeli civilians.



Ebbers Appeal Denied
The Supreme Court has turned down an appeal from former WorldCom chief Bernard Ebbers, who is serving a 25-year prison sentence for fraud and conspiracy. The court based its decision based on case law, prosecution arguments, and the fact that Ebbers is still richer than all of the justices combined.


Arkansas Conditions
Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe says he's frustrated with the federal government for not declaring a disaster in the tornado-struck southern region of his state. But FEMA officials say they're having a hard time telling the difference between the homes that were hit by the tornado and the one's that weren't.



NAACP Chief Quits
NAACP President Bruce S. Gordon is leaving the organization after just 19 months at the helm, citing clashes with board members. Apparently, Gordon and the board disagreed over what was the best way to insult President Bush.


Hillary Reaction
The Hillary Clinton campaign is jumping on reports that Rudy Giuliani is estranged from both his children. Hillary is boasting that not only does she have good relations with Chelsea, but she is also very close to most of Bill's illegitimate children.


Cheney Thrombosis
Vice President Dick Cheney has just been diagnosed with a blood clot in his leg. Congressional Democrats are expressing their sympathy by voting to have him sent immediately to Walter Reed hospital.

Eagleton Dies
Former U.S. Senator Thomas Eagleton died Sunday at age 77. He was briefly George McGovern's running mate in the 1972 presidential election, but dropped out after it was revealed that he had once been hospitalized for depression... and doctors advised him that running with McGovern would definitely cause a relapse.



Coulter Flap
Ann Coulter is under fire this weekend for calling Senator John Edwards a "faggot" at a conservative convention in Washington. Coulter says she wanted to call Edwards something much worse, but "personal injury lawyer" just isn't a term that rolls off the tongue.


Hillary in Selma
In a church service Sunday marking the anniversary of the Selma civil rights march, Senator Hillary Clinton acknowledged that the movement is responsible for allowing people like Senator Barack Obama to run for president today... which is why she now despises the civil rights movement.


Palestinian Talks
Fatah and Hamas are still working on the details of a unity Palestinian government. One popular compromise proposal currently being considered is a plan that will have Fatah killing innocent Jewish civilians on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and Hamas killing them on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. On Sundays, the Palestinians will just go back to killing each other.


Jacko in Tokyo
Michael Jackson arrived in Japan on Sunday to host an exclusive party where admirers pay $3,500 to spend 30 seconds with the pop icon. That's $500 to speak to Michael, and $3,000 for the two-dozen security guards to stand between him and your kids.



Giuliani and His Kids
The New York Daily News is reporting that presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is estranged from both of his children. Wow, Rudy really IS the true political heir to Ronald Reagan.

War Budget Battle
Democrats are considering cutting $20 billion from President Bush's budget request for military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. The White House is responding by considering cutting two hours out of next year's Academy Award broadcast.


Ahmadinejad to Saudi Arabia
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a trip to Saudi Arabia for talks on regional stability, energy prices, and to scope out a few targets.


Anna Nicole's Body
Anna Nicole Smith's body is being flown to the Bahamas for burial Friday. If al Qaeda terrorists really want to hurt the American people, they will hijack that plane and crash it into Britney Spears.


Walter Reed Commander Sacked
The General at Walter Reed military hospital has been relieved of command. After years of issuing misleading information and covering up embarrassing facts, the Pentagon decided he was much better off working for Hillary Clinton.


No More Paper Tickets?
The International Air Transport Association wants all airlines to eliminate paper tickers by the end of this year. Maybe that will stop angry travelers from using them to slap JetBlue attendants across the face.