May 2nd


1876: The April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria. Like most everything else Bulgarians do, it's two days late.


1969: The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 departs on her maiden voyage to New York City. She comes back knocked up and with a set of bad tatoos.

2000: President Bill Clinton announces that accurate GPS access would no longer be restricted to the U.S. military and his drivers helping him find hot pieces of ass.


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May 1st

1707: The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Really Drunken Slobs.


1751: The first cricket match is played in America... it's expected to end any day now.


1927: The first cooked meals on a scheduled flight are introduced on an Imperial Airways flight from London to Paris. Some of the meals cooked that day are still being served on U.S. Airways.

Jobless in Spain
Spain unemployment is now at 20%, the other 80% are officially employed as siesta inspectors.



Wall Street Protest
Thousands of union members marched on Wall Street yesterday. It's not the huge bank profits that angers the unions the most, it's the fact that the bankers made that money while they were actually working!



Drill Stop
The White House has just announced that no oil drilling in new areas in the U.S. will go forward until there's a full review of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. This is in addition to last year's White House announcement that no profits will be made by anybody until the Democrats get re-elected in November.



Shakira Speaks Out
Singer Shakira has joined the growing chorus of opposition to Arizona's new immigration law. In response, Arizona is now offering immediate citizenship to all illegal aliens who look like Shakira.



Crist Bolts
Florida Governor Charlie Crist has announced that he is leaving the Republican Party. He will now be running for the Senate as a member of the new Tanning Bed/Melanoma Party.





April 30th

313: Roman emperor Licinius unifies the entire Eastern Empire under his rule. He goes on to challenge the West coast rappers and assassinate Tupac Shakur.


1789: On the balcony of Federal Hall on Wall Street in New York City, George Washington takes the oath of office to become the first elected President of the United States... and the last president who wasn't a lying sack of crap.


1803: The United States purchases the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. It takes 15 years just to get rid of the smell.


1945: Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun commit suicide after being married for one day. This remains the most successful marriage in European political history.

Bullock Adoption
Sandra Bullock has adopted a new child... but the baby is already cheating on her with Madonna and Angelina Jolie.


Bullock's estranged husband Jesse James is also committing a selfless act... he's adopting all of Tiger Woods' ex-girlfriends.



Space Water
An icy asteroid orbiting the sun between Mars and Saturn is adding credence to theories that Earth's water was delivered from space... so is the recent discovery of an empty 15 billion gallon bottle of Poland Spring at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.



Greek Debt
Greece's debt crisis continues to spiral out of control. It's getting so bad that I went to my local diner this morning and they charged me 15 billion euros for coffee.



Height Service
President Obama will deliver the eulogy for civil rights icon Dorothy Height this morning. Then, he'll go back to delivering his ongoing eulogy for the American economy.



Monkey Meat
Two people have been arrested in Indonesia for making and selling meatballs from the meat of protected monkeys. The couple also faces charges in the U.S. for not posting the meatballs' full calorie and fat content on the packaging.





April 29th


1986: A fire at the Los Angeles Central Library destroys 400,000 books... which would be a real tragedy if anyone in Los Angeles could read.


1999: The Avala TV Tower near Belgrade is destroyed in the NATO bombing of Yugoslavia. Broadcasts of the Yugoslavian hit show, "Who Wants to be a Casualty?" continue on the radio.


2005: Syria completes its pullout from Lebanon, but not before impregnating the country with 29 years worth of terrorists.

Goldman Sachs Marathon
The Goldman Sachs hearings on Capitol Hill dragged on for almost 11 hours yesterday. It went on so long that Goldman made $2 billion by taking bets on which Senators would fall asleep first.



Senate Schedule
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now says the Senate will try to pass a cap and trade bill before it takes up immigration reform. That way, we'll have enough illegal immigrants to help us gather firewood after the Democrats ban oil and natural gas.



Free Trip
Lufthansa has offered a free flight to Germany to the Apple employee who allegedly left an iPhone prototype in a German-style beer garden in California. It's not clear if this is a German tourism publicity stunt, or if they just want this worker to be interrogated by the kind of people who really know how to do it right.



Thai Chaos
Thai security forces fired rubber bullets and tear gas into crowds of anti-government protesters today. Now Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are trying to hire the same troops to handle the next Tea Party protest.



New Abortion Law
Oklahoma has passed a law that forces pregnant women to listen to the heartbeat of their fetuses before they decide to get an abortion. To be fair, the fetuses should also be forced to learn they are going to live in Oklahoma before they decide to be born.





April 28th

1253: Nichiren, a Japanese Buddhist monk, propounds "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" for the very first time and declares it to be the essence of Buddhism... then he gets run over by an out-of-control rickshaw.


1945: Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci are executed by a firing squad for the high crime of considering macaroni and cheese to be authentic Italian food.


2001: Millionaire Dennis Tito becomes the world's first space tourist. He comes back to Earth with a series of overpriced t-shirts and mugs.

Goldman on the Hill
A Senate subcommittee is calling several Goldman Sachs executives to a hearing this morning. It's not clear if the Senators want the executives to testify about the housing collapse, or just to sign their campaign donation checks.



Kyrgyz President Charged
The president of Kyrgyz has been charged with murder... mostly for killing the careers of thousands of American news anchors who haven't been able to pronounce "Kyrgyz."



Bad Joke
National Security Advisor General James Jones is apologizing for making an Anti-Semitic joke. But since he works for the Obama administration, 78% of Jews still thought it was funny.



Youth and Religion
A new survey shows that most young adults don't pray, don't worship and don't read the Bible... they do, however, text God an average of 100 times a day.



Unions vs. Meg
California's municipal unions are declaring an all-out war on Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman. The unions are outraged at reports that Whitman may lay off thousands of state workers... they're also outraged at reports that Whitman may make state workers who don't get laid off actually work.





April 27th


1667: John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10... the Cliff's Notes version goes for £50.


1861: Responding to the threats from the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln suspends the writ of habeas corpus... historians blame President Bush.


2005: The superjumbo jet aircraft Airbus A380 makes its first flight from Toulouse, France. The jet holds more than 550 passengers, but tragically has only one bathroom.

Hawking Warning
Genius physicist Stephen Hawking says there are likely extraterrestrials out there, but we shouldn't try to contact them because they probably will mean us harm. It's not clear if Hawking is forming a new theory on alien life, or if he's running for governor of Arizona.



Buffett's Special Deal
Warren Buffett has reportedly worked out a deal to be exempted from the new financial rules the Democrats are trying to get through Congress. Buffett was able to get the special treatment by convincing the Democrats that he was a UAW member on disability.



Kids and Drinking
A new study shows that kids who are forbidden to watch R-rated movies are less likely to start drinking than their peers. They're also much less likely to start drinking than anyone who has just seen the latest piece of crap starring Jennifer Lopez.



Fonda Fitness
At 72, Jane Fonda is still exercising and helping to organize World Fitness Day. Her new workout features Fonda trying to lift a massive list of all her ex-husbands.



Bailout for State Workers
Congress is considering a $100 billion bailout to help states avoid firing government workers. The money will also be used to preserve other key government workplace programs, like 8-weeks of vacation at the Post Office and nap time at the DMV.





April 26th


1965: A Rolling Stones concert in London, Ontario is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting and "bad vibes."


1962: NASA's Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon. Geico refuses to pay anything over the deductible.


1994: The world's top physicists announce first evidence of the top quark subatomic particle... all of them still can't get a date.

April 25th

1847: The last survivors of the Donner Party reach California... they immediately order a meat-lovers pizza.

1983: American schoolgirl Samantha Smith is invited to visit the Soviet Union by its leader Yuri Andropov after he read her letter about nuclear war, and heard a rumor that she may have decent toilet paper.

2003: The Human Genome Project comes to an end as scientists conclude that no matter what our genetic makeup, most people really suck.

April 24th

1184 BC: The Greeks enter Troy using the Trojan Horse, and promises of free health care.


2004: The United States lifts economic sanctions imposed on Libya, giving American consumers long-awaited access to Libya's two biggest exports: dirt and sand.


2005: Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog is born in South Korea. To celebrate, the cloning scientists eat him the next day.

NFL Draft
The first round of the NFL draft was held last night, or as the law enforcement commnity likes to call it: "America's Most Wanted."



Retail Sales Up
The good news is that the latest economic reports show that retail saes are higher than this time last year. The bad news is most consumers are just buying guns.



SEC Porn
A new report shows that senior staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission spent hours surfing porn while they were supposed to be policing the nation's financial system. Apparently working at the SEC makes you feel almost as dirty as doing business with Goldman Sachs.



GM "Payback"
It turns out GM repaid its $6.7 billion government loan using other bailout money loaned to it by the government... which means any taxpayers caught stealing a GM car should simply claim they were doing a repossession.



3-Year Degrees Rise
More and more students across the country are choosing to complete their Bachelor's degrees in three years. If they want to spend four straight years getting drunk and partying, they can always run for office.





April 23rd


1014: In the Battle of Clontarf, Brian Boru defeats the Vikings, but fails to cover the spread.


1635: The first public school in the United States, Boston Latin School, is founded... immediately followed by the first teachers' strike.


1967: A group of young radicals are expelled from the Nicaraguan Socialist Party. This group goes on to found Menudo.

Iran War Games
Iran is beginning a series of war games today. Just in case, President Obama has already tendered our unconditional surrender.



Obama in New York
President Obama will call on Wall Street to join him in his efforts to reform the financial sector in a visit to Manhattan today. Then he will ask Wall Street to join him in his efforts to raise another $500 million for his re-election campaign.



Roethlisberger Suspended
Now that Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended for up to six games, the Pittsburgh Steelers have acquired Byron Leftwich to fill in for him at quarterback. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger has hired Charlie Sheen to fill in for him as a sex offender.



Bailed Out Banks Behavior
A new study shows that the banks that received bailout money cut lending and boosted executive pay more than the banks that did not get bailouts! Because what fun is taking the taxpayers' money if you can't use it to kick them out of their homes too?



Census Response
71% of Americans have filled out and sent in their Census forms. The other 29% are now actually working for the Census.





April 22nd


1529: The Treaty of Saragossa creates a new border between Spain and Portugal along a line 17° east of the Moluccas... enraging the people of Portugal when they learn all the bathrooms were on the Spanish side.


1912: Pravda, the "voice" of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, begins publication in Saint Petersburg. It is now known as "The New York Times."


1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated. And these kinds of holidays are truly effective since worldwide pollution and fossil fuel use has only increased by 15,000% since then.

GM Loans
GM CEO Ed Whitacre says the company has now fully paid back the loans it received from the U.S. government. GM is now looking forward to going back to making cars no one wants to buy.



Apple Soars
Apple made a huge $3.1 billion profit in the first 12 weeks of this year. The news is prompting the Democrats to shift their policy from taxing the rich to just taxing the geeks.


Gambino Indictments
14 alleged members of the Gambino crime family have been indicted on charges including murder, racketeering, and trying to do business with Goldman Sachs.



Back to Normal?
Air travel throughout Europe is getting closer to normal. 46% of all usual traffic has resumed, airports in the U.K. are now open, and the airlines have already started to lose everyone's luggage again.



Earth Day Observance
Most of the world's nations plan to turn off lights and close factories for Earth Day tomorrow... which is why it is also now known as "Global Recession Day."





April 21st


1792: Tiradentes, a revolutionary leading a movement for Brazil's independence, is hanged, drawn and quartered. Then, five goons beat his corpse for 10 hours straight.


1960: Brasília officially becomes Brazil's capital when all the republic's official thong bikinis are transferred there from Rio de Janeiro.


1994: The first discoveries of extrasolar planets are announced by astronomer Alexander Wolszczan and three guys from the campus party frat house who were still totally baked 48 hours later.