NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Newspapers Selling
Newspapers have been flying off the racks ever since Obama's victory Tuesday as millions of Americans realize they'll soon need the papers to help heat their homes.



Myers Resigns
Assistant Secretary for Immigration Julie Myers has resigned. She just doesn't have anymore work to do now that the economy has tanked and no one is immigrating to America anymore.



Custom Car Crash
Hard times are cutting demand for custom car accessories like chrome wheels. Things are getting so bad, the guys from "Pimp My Ride" are now being forced to actually work as pimps.



Small Cages
Voters in California voted to ban restrictive cages for chickens in the state. The now unusable small cages are being sold as studio apartments in San Francisco.



Congressional Agenda
Democratic congressional leaders are promising to fix the economy, health care, energy and end the Iraq war. After that, they plan to create a country made entirely of candy.