GM News
The bad news for Detroit is that GM CEO Rick Wagoner is announcing huge job cuts and production cutbacks. The good news is GM will now allow foreclosed Detroit residents to live in the company's unsold monster SUV's.



Bank Woes
U.S. banks are facing serious questions and fearful depositors. It's getting so bad, thousands of Bank of America ATM's are looking for night jobs at 7-11's and strip clubs.



Hamilton Homers
Josh Hamilton stunned fans last night with an incredible 28 homers in the first round of the home run derby. The only guy who hit more homers last night was Alex Rodriguez back in his hotel room.



Drilling Ban Lifted
The good news is President Bush has lifted the ban on oil drilling 50-100 miles off U.S. shores. The bad news is that no one can afford the fuel to get out that far to drill anyway.



SEC Probe
The SEC has sent subpoenas to 50 hedge-fund managers as it investigates charges of stock market manipulation. But the probe may be undermined by the fact that the along with each subpoena, the SEC investigators all enclosed resumes and job applications.