Dow Buys Rohm & Haas
Dow Chemical is buying rival chemical company Rohm and Haas for about $18.8 billion. The combined company is hoping to match China toy makers and Mexican tomato growers in the production of poisonous substances by the year 2015.



Costco Numbers
Costco sales soared in June as millions of strapped American comsumers streamed into the store looking to buy anti-depressants in bulk.



Jesse Slams Obama
Rev. Jesse Jackson is apologizing for saying he wanted to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. Hey, if Hillary Clinton couldn't do it, no one can!

Jackson complained that Obama was "talking down" to black people, which is getting in the way of Jackson's attempts to continue lying to and inciting them.



Iran Tests Again
Iran has test fired another round of missiles today. Their main mission is for them to go find the missiles they test fired yesterday.



Brand Leaves
L.A. Clippers star Elton Brand has bolted the team and signed an $82 million contract with the Philadelphia 76ers. Clippers fans would be outraged... if there were any Clippers fans.



Kennedy Votes
Despite battling brain cancer, Ted Kennedy rushed back to the Senate yesterday to cast the decisive vote on Medicare legislation. Kennedy was later informed that the bill did not actually call for allowing Americans to use Medicare to pay their bar tabs.