Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Free Birth Control
An independent health panel is now recommending that all women get free birth control. But since the government is broke, we're just going to force all men take a cold shower.

No Mail
The Postmaster General says it looks like Saturday delivery is almost dead and we could go to just 3 day a week delivery within 15 years. He'll explain why later today in an email.

Marriage Reversal
President Obama is now looking to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act... and you know he's serious this time because the people he's putting in charge of the effort are Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and J. Lo.

NFL Deal?
The NFL players could vote as early as today on a new labor deal. The union hopes to show solidarity so the players can get back to bashing each others' heads in.

Debt Poll
A new poll shows that 55% of Americans want the White House and Congress to make a deal to cut spending. The other 45% are on welfare.

July 20th

1976: The American Viking 1 lander successfully lands on Mars. But its luggage is accidentally sent to Atlanta.

1977: The Central Intelligence Agency releases documents revealing it had engaged in mind control experiments… otherwise known as the early episodes of “Charlie’s Angels.”

1984: Officials of the Miss America pageant ask Vanessa Lynn Williams to quit after Penthouse publishes nude photos of her… mostly because they were a little too airbrushed.


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