Thursday, July 14, 2011

Downgrade Fear
S&P says it may, for the first time ever, downgrade the U.S. debt rating... especially if we don't do well in the upcoming swimsuit competition.

Chrysler Reaction
Chrysler says it will identify and suspend the workers caught by a local TV station smoking pot and drinking booze on breaks from its plant in Trenton, Michigan. The only people Chryler wants to stay stoned and drunk are the politicians who keep bailing them out.

New Knowledge
California's schools are failing across the board, but a new state law is requiring them to teach gay and lesbian studies. So, we may not turn out kids who can program a computer, but they'll sure know everything about how to use a dildo.

Clemens Mistrial
A mistrial has been declared in the Roger Clemens steroid lying trial. This spares the jury from having to see the track marks on his butt.

NFL Deal?
The two sides in the NFL labor fight have agreed on rookie pay scales. Now, players from all the top colleges will get better pay and all the players from Ohio State will get better tattoos.

July 15th

1149: The reconstructed Church of the Holy Sepulchre is consecrated in Jerusalem. It features a new lobby donated by the Rabinowitz family in memory of their mother, Ida.

1934: Continental Airlines commences operations… as an entity devoted to angering and inconveniencing as many people as possible.

1997: Andrew Phillip Cunanan guns down Gianni Versace outside his home, giving dozens of models living in his basement a chance to finally eat something.


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