Thursday, June 16, 2011

Vancouver Riots
Vancouver residents rioted in the streets last night after their Canucks lost the Stanley Cup final to Boston. It's not clear if the rioters were hockey fans or dentists who now face months of no work because the season is over.

Libya Excuse
President Obama told Congress that the U.S. is not using deadly force in Libya. But he did admit that if things get worse, the Pentagon is looking to unlease the fury of Anthony Weiner's wife.

Angry Teachers
New Jersey teachers are planning a massive sick out today to protest a new deal that will force them to contribute 3% more to their pensions. The teachers are furious because they don't know how to calculate 3% any better than their students.

School Sex Survey
A Massachusetts school is under fire for requiring students to complete a survey containing questions about oral sex. Liberal groups are outraged that there were no questions about anal sex.

Wedding is Off
25-year-old Crystal Harris has decided not to marry 85-year-old Hugh Hefner. She caught Hef sending pictures of himself on Twitter wearing only a pair of Depends.

June 16th

1586: Mary, Queen of Scots, recognizes Philip II of Spain as her heir, successor, and Twitter follower.

1903: The Ford Motor Company is incorporated, as a company dedicated to making cars to run over Jews.

1961: Rudolf Nureyev defects from the Soviet Union… and tries to become a citizen of a gay bar on Christopher Street.


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