Liz a No-Show
Liz Taylor has decided not to attend the Michael Jackson memorial service today. As a result, 17 new seats are now available to the general public.



Pope on the Markets
Pope Benedict XVI has issued an encyclical calling for more financial regulation. The Pope wants less speculation in the markets, more government supervision, and mortgage rates in Episcopalian chruches hiked up to 17.5%.



iPhone Anger
A new survey shows that 70% of iPhone users say service provider AT&T is annoying. Another survey shows 100% of iPhone users are annoying.



Drag Racing Parents
A man and a woman are under arrest in Tampa after being caught drag racing with two toddlers in the backseats of their cars. Incidentally, the woman drove her car at speeds near 100 mph and changed her kid's diaper in 6.5 seconds.



Injuries Up
Major League Baseball says the number of time players are out with injuries has increased 26% since 2006. In a related story, the number of players using steroids has decreased 26% since 2006.