Jacko's Will
Michael Jackson's will is causing mass confusion among his family and friends. It's still not clear who gets his kids, assets, or his original face.

Michael Jackson's will names Diana Ross as a possible guardian for his three children. Apparently, Jackson wanted to make sure someone would continue to molest them long after he was gone.



Afghan Offensive
President Obama has ordered a major offensive against the Taliban in southern Afghanistan. The White House became enraged when it learned the Afghan Mullahs don't offer their terrorist followers free health care insurance.


With the prison at Guatnamo being closed, it's not clear where the captured terrorists from this new Afghan offensive will be held. The only place to put them where they'll never come out alive is a VA hospital.



Malden Dead
Legendary actor Karl Malden died Wednesday at age 97. He was famous for his roles in "On the Waterfront" and "Patton," in addition to the fact that he was the recipient of most of the parts fro, Michael Jackson's original nose.



Pentagon Order
The Pentagon says it will buy more than 5,200 new armored vehicles designed to protect troops from roadside bombs. Now all the Pentagon has to do is find an American auto company that's not out of business.



GM IPO?
The U.S. Treasury says it plans to bring GM out of bankruptcy and sell shares of the new GM by the end of next year. The Treasury also says it expects to sell most of those shares to fairies, unicorns and elves.