Petraeus Speaks
General Petraeus told Congress Monday that the 'surge' in Iraq is working, but America probably won't feel safe every again after Britney Spears' performance at the Video Music Awards.



Craig Backtracks
Sen. Larry Craig filed papers Monday seeking to withdraw his guilty plea in an airport sex sting. He's also demanding that Sears give him a full refund for all of his Village People 8-track tapes.



China-U.S. Deal
China and the U.S. are reportedly close to making a deal on faulty Chinese-made products imported to the U.S. The agreement allows China to continue to manufacture poisonous food and toys, as long as it's only bought in the U.S. by illegal immigrants at Wal-Mart.



Obesity Study
A new study shows that Mississippi is the most obese state in the U.S. That's because the only people living in Mississippi are the ones who were too fat and slow to get out.



Wolverines Lose Again
The University of Michigan has lost its first two football games of the 2007 season, simultaneously demoralizing football fans and eliminating the only good reason to actually still be in the state of Michigan.