Rice in West Bank
During her meeting with Mahmoud Abbas today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice pledged $80 million in aid to the Palestinian government. In return for her pledge, Rice will get the "Palestinian Terror Attack Greatest Hits" DVD collection and an exploding tote bag.


Toy Recall
Mattel has recalled almost a million of its Chinese-made toys that contained dangerous amounts of lead paint. The move is baffling Chinese government officials who swear that the local toddlers who made the toys find lead paint to be absolutely delicious.


iPhone Patch
Apple has issued a software patch to fix some security holes recently discovered in the iPhone. But for the patch to solve the average iPhone owner's most serious problems, it would have to include a comb, deodorant, and a date.



FDA Bonuses
The FDA has been paying huge bonuses to its top administrators in order to keep them from leaving. But why would anyone ever leave a job where you get free drugs?


Bridge Collapse Bus
One of the vehicles on the bridge in Minneapolis that collapsed Wednesday was a schoolbus full of kids. None of them was hurt, but now the collapse has become yet another thing the newsmedia is blaming on childhood obesity.



R. Kelly Trial Date Set
Grammy Award-winning singer R. Kelly will go on trial September 17 on child pornography charges. Kelly is demanding to be tried by a jury of his peers, but the only true peer they can find is Michael Jackson.