Football in Iraq
U.S. soldiers in Iraq are now teaching children in Baghdad how to play American football. The only trouble is when the kids actually play the games, all they want to do is throw the bomb.


Baseball Problems
The U.S. soldiers are also having problems teaching Iraqi kids baseball. Here are the top reasons why:

-Kids refuse to steal second out of fear they'll get their hands sawed off

-Every time the managers call for a suicide squeeze, kids strap on explosive belts

-Losing teams refuse to practice harder, they just blame the Israelis and go home

-John Ashcroft keeps using the Patriot Act to confiscate Iraqi bats to check if they're corked

-Worst players keep getting picked up by the New York Mets


WMD Deception
New reports say former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was deceived by his own aides who routinely told him they had developed weapons of mass destruction, even though they had none. Other "facts" Saddam was misled into believing:

-Firing off a shotgun indiscriminately during a parade is a great way to show the world you're a sane, reasonable dictator

-Those are Anna Nicole's real breasts

-It was the neighbors' kids and not Uday & Qusay who broke that picture window in the living room

-Ben and J. Lo actually do love each other and this whole thing is not just a really annoying publicity stunt

-$1.98 a gallon is a reasonable price to charge for gas

-The New York Jets still have a chance to make the playoffs

-If you can get Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, and Jane Fonda on your side, the rest of America is sure to follow