Coke Contest
In a new giveaway, Coca-Cola will use satellites to find buyers who buy special cans of Coke worldwide. The winners will get new cars and other prizes. The multi-million dollar cost of the contest is actually being sponsored by officials at the Pentagon, who are really hoping the first winner is Osama bin Laden.

Do Not Call
President Bush has signed the "Do Not Call" bill into law in hopes of stopping telemarketers and other callers from bothering Americans. The law does not restrict charities and elected officials, along with the following exemptions Mr. Bush added yesterday:

-White House staffers are exempt, but ONLY if they're calling journalists to leak the names of CIA operatives who criticize the President

-GOP fundraisers are allowed to call their biggest donors during dinner, but ONLY to alert them of the latest upper class tax cut

-It's okay for people to keep making that crank call to Hillary Clinton that goes like: "It's 10pm, do you know where your husband is?"

-If your brother is the governor of Florida, you can consistently call him for 37 days in a row if you need him to "fix something" for you

-If you're feeling a little under-confident, it's okay to call the Fox News Channel at any time for a little reassurance and ass-kissing