Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Laura Bush Surgery
The White House announced this week that Laura Bush underwent surgery to remove a skin cancer tumor in November. Doctors said the operation was easy, especially since the Bush administration has kept her in a perpetual state of anesthesia since 2000.

Stiffed by Uncle Sam
Despite their heroic efforts on 9/11, New York City firefighters and paramedics may soon be denied additional health care coverage by the federal government. So to ensure they get as much government aid as possible, they're all going to climb Mount Hood and hole up in a snow cave.

Top 5 Things Overheard During Donald Trump's Meeting with Miss USA

5) "Touch my hair and all is forgiven"

4) "I'd like you to personally thank the three people in America who still watch 'The Apprentice"

3) "Let's do Jagermeister shots after lunch"

2) "Turn in your sash, tiara, and breast implants"

1) "Ah who am I kidding? Just take your clothes off and we'll call it even."

Palestinian Infighting
Hamas and Fatah gunmen continue to shoot each other in Gaza as fighting between the rival Palestinian groups enters its second week. Palestinian leaders are reminding their followers that all this killing is robbing their children of the chance to become suicide bombers.

Cheney Subpoenaed
Vice President Dick Cheney will be called as a defense witness in the CIA leak case. The first question he will be asked is: "who's the father of Mary's baby?"

Delta Reorganization Plan
Delta Air Lines disclosed details Tuesday of its plan to reorganize and emerge from bankruptcy. The plan includes new ideas like "being on time" and "not crashing."

Regan's Remarks
The bad news for book publisher Judith Regan is there is now evidence that she was fired for making anti-Semitic remarks about her bosses. The good news is Mel Gibson has finally agreed to work with her on his memoirs.

Mount Hood Latest
Hopes are fading fast for the still-missing climbers somewhere atop Mount Hood. But they're not fading as fast as the hopes of TV news executives who wanted to keep covering this story instead of the real news until the end of Christmas vacation.


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