Tuesday, June 29, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! A new satirical article I've written about John Kerry is now featured at EnduringVision.com. For those of you who were disturbed by some of my anti-Bush humor, this should warm your heart. Here's the link: Kerry Article

Cell Phones and Men
A new study says heavy cell phone use may damage men's sperm. But skeptical doctors say diagnosing reproductive problems for men who constantly use their cell phones is really just wishful thinking.

Supreme Court Decision
The Supreme Court voted to strike down a law that would have shielded children from Internet pornography by requiring the sites to give special access codes to adults only. Justices Kennedy, Souter, Ginsburg, and Stevens all voted against the law because it limits free speech and Justice Clarence Thomas rejected it because he doesn't want to carry those codes around with him all the time.

Iranians Expelled
The U.S. has just expelled two employees from the Iranian consulate to the UN, saying they were seen taking pictures of several New York City landmarks in what could have been terrorist planning. But the Iranians insist they were just looking for the best place to open their next newsstand.

GOP Convention Speakers
In a brilliant move, the Republicans will have New York Governor George Pataki introduce President Bush to the GOP Convention in New York City. Experts say the party was successful in finding the one elected official in America whose speech will actually make the President's speaking abilities look good in comparison.

Mob Bank Chief Raises Loan Sharking Rates to 35.5%

"Things is looking better, you know," says Mafia Money Man

(Jersey City, NJ) After two full days of meetings with representatives from the five major crime families, Central Mob Bank Chief Al Giorbilini has decided to raise interest rates on all loans by 5000 basis points to 35.5%.

"The vig is gotta go up," growled Giorbilini as he left the meeting at a downtown warehouse, "we know there's people holding out on us and business is getting better," he added.

Before the decision, the rough economy put the prevailing loan sharking rate at a 40-year low of 30.5% for more than two years. Most mobsters found the rate to be a necessary evil.

"So we gave out a little more money here and there, just to get things moving a little," said Frank "The Scrape" Scarpiccio, "but more of our customers is getting real jobs again and that means it's time to put the squeeze on a little more," he added with a sly smile.

Despite the rate hike, not everyone will have to pay the full 35.5% interest.

"No, we still got a special 30% 'prime rate' for our best customers; like actors and pop stars who sometimes run low on cash but is always good for the money in the long run. Those guys are such wimps anyway... you show them a clenched fist and they start paying up real fast," insisted Scarpiccio.

Giorbilini also stressed the many different loan options the mob will continue to offer.

"We got lots of plans. First there's the 'interest only' thing. That's when our guys come to visit you at your place of work every day and take a small token payment and maybe embarrass you just a little. True, that don't do nothing to your principal, but lots of our customers prefer that option," Giorbilini explained.

"And don't forget our limited property lien accounts," added Scarpiccio, "that's when we take a little merchandise from your office or store and fence that on the street from week-to-week. Based on how much we make on that, the total cost of the loan can really go down," he added.

Of course, most financial experts continue to strongly warn consumers against taking any loans from known mobsters at usurious rates.

"But they're still better than most credit card companies, so you may want to take your chances instead of maxing out your Visa," said financial journalist Jeanne Sahadi.


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