Obama in Jersey
President Obama is visiting New Jersey's PNC Arts Center today. He's expected to make a speech in either The Great Hall of Acid Wash or the Bon Jovi Rotunda.



Weiner Engaged
Jewish Congressman Anthony Weiner, a major supporter of Israel, is getting married to a Muslim woman. At the wedding, there will be special valet parking for suicide car bombers.



Hamas to Kids: Kill Yourselves!
A new children's show on Hamas-run TV depicts and praises a Gaza mom's decision to become a suicide bomber and encourages kids to do the same. In America, the only suicidal messages kids see on TV are the commercials for Chinese toys and sugar cereals.



Exciting Witnesses!
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Manhattan prosecutor Robert Morgenthau are scheduled to testify at Judge Sonya Sotomayor's confirmation hearing today. This is great news for the 2 people in America who haven't been able to fall asleep watching the proceedings so far.



Diprivan Ban?
The DEA is considering putting tighter restrictions on Diprivan, the drug that may have killed Michael Jackson. But the Feds may back off if CNN promises not to give wall-to-wall coverage to the next celebrity who dies from the drug.