Toxic Assets Deal
9 financial firms have agreed to manage the so-called "toxic assets" program with the federal government... now if they could only find someone competent to manage the toxic asset known as "The Mets."



What a Way to Go!
A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. There is no solid evidence of foul play, but police are holding Willie Wonka for questioning.



Illinois Cemetery Shocker
Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote.



Diana beats Jacko
Nielsen has announced that the funeral for Princess Diana posted better ratings than the Michael Jackson memorial service... more proof that the Jacksons should have used Michael's corpse in a Thriller zombie dance scene finale.



Obama and Brazil
President Obama says he is counting on Brazil to help convince Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program. In a related story, the president is also hoping Brazil will find out if Chile wants to go out with him.



L.A. Blackout
A major power outage hit Los Angeles last night, causing traffic jams and leaving people trapped in elevators. Luckily, the state is issuing electricity IOU's to everyone who is still without power.