Kennedy Home
After undergoing and recovering from brain surgery in North Carolina, Senator Ted Kennedy is back home on Cape Cod. Sadly, his return did not come soon enough to save each and every local bar from going out of business.



Kennedy Sailing
Senator Ted Kennedy plans to go sailing every day as he recovers from brain surgery. But the sight of Kennedy on the water will likely make everyone else on Cape Cod very sick.



Obama's Task
Experts say Obama's biggest challenge will be to win over Hillary Clinton's female supporters. That shouldn't be too hard, he and Hillary already wear pretty much the same clothes.



New iPhone
Apple is unveiling the new version of the iPhone today. But sadly, the new phone makes you look like just as much of a materialistic geek as the old one.



Box Office Results
Adam Sandler's comedy about an Israeli commando was beaten at the box office by the children's movie "Kung Fu Panda"... but just wait until everyone finds out the Panda is Jewish too.



Lehman Funds
Troubled Wall Street firm Lehman Brothers has raised $6 billion in foreign investments in the past few weeks. Just wait until those foreigners find out that Lehman isn't an oil company.

Lehman Brothers reported a first quarter $2.8 billion loss today... but the firm is reminding everyone that that's only 1.8 billion euros.



Chicken Removed
A chicken that was living at a California McDonald's has finally been removed. The company was worried that customers might get the idea that McDonald's serves real chicken instead of whatever the Hell that is in the McNugget.