Monday, November 28, 2011

Frank Quitting
After 30 years in Congress, Barney Frank is retiring. He says he now realizes his dream job would be to work as an assistant coach at Syracuse or Penn State.

Bail Out Europe?
President Obama says the U.S. is willing to "do its part" to help Europe avoid an economic crisis... which means we'll show them our secrets on how to borrow more money from China.

Groupon Crash
After an initially strong IPO, Groupon shares have been plummeting for more than a week now. This is because every time the company tries to sell its stock for $13 a share, someone issues a Groupon for the stock at $6.50!

Egypt Elections
Turnout has been very high in the Egyptian elections... but only because the people think they're voting on the best ways to stone their wives and kill Jews.

Meyer Cashes In
Urban Meyer is getting $40 million to coach Ohio State for 6 years. Ohio State students would be able to figure out how much that is per year, if it weren't for education cuts that are being made so the school can pay Urban Meyer.

November 29th

800: Charlemagne arrives at Rome to investigate the alleged crimes of Pope Leo III, and see if they were properly reported by Joe Paterno.

1947: The United Nations General Assembly votes to partition Israel into two sides: the normal people and the maniacs.

1963: President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate... and cover up his involvement in... the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.


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