Thursday, January 11, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Beckham Bolts
British soccer great David Beckham has signed a contract to play for the L.A. Galaxy in the MLS. Beckham coming to play for an American pro soccer team is like Robert DeNiro doing the 4th grade play at Bayonne Elementary School.

Iraq Spending
A new study shows the money spent on the War in Iraq could have been used to build 35,000 new U.S. schools. But that would violate the principles of President Bush's "No Child Left Alive" plan.

Bush Visit
President Bush met with soldiers at Fort Benning, Georgia a day after he announced a new strategy for Iraq that includes more than 20,000 additional troops. Bush's visit probably would have done a lot more for morale if he hadn't asked every soldier to make him a beneficiary of their life insurance policies.

Top 5 New Bush Strategies for Victory in Iraq

5) Hold tight until the war gets some better corporate sponsorship

4) Dig up Saddam's corpse, kill him again... repeat

3) Drive the insurgents crazy by crank-ordering 100 pizzas to their headquarters every night

2) Attack our enemies with that mystery smell that was hanging over New York City this week

1) From now on, we put real bullets in our guns

Minimum Wage Hike
The House of Representatives has passed the first increase in the federal minimum wage in a decade. This means workers at McDonald's will finally be able to afford to eat at McDonald's.

Hamas Recognizes Israel?
Hamas' leader this week said the group acknowledges the existence of Israel, but formal recognition of the state will be considered only when a Palestinian state has been created... and they kill all of the Jews in it.

Strawberries and Health
A recent study shows that strawberries are the most effective berry for slowing the growth of colon and oral cancers. So does this mean I should eat strawberries AND shove them up my butt?


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