Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Steroid Rules
Major League Baseball and the players union have agreed to stiffer penalties for steroid use. The first time a player is caught using steroids he'll be suspended for 50 games, the second time, 100 games, and the third time that player will be forced to spend a week with Terrell Owens.

Bush on China
President Bush is challenging China to advance democracy and respect the sovereignty of Taiwan. It's an extremely courageous position for Mr. Bush to take, especially since his administration owes the Chinese about $500 trillion.

Love Conquers All
Princess Sayako of Japan has renounced her title and married a commoner. We don't know exactly why she did it, but by marrying a nobody we do know the princess definitely wasn't using J. Lo's publicist.

Gaza Deal
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has brokered a deal that will open the Gaza border for Palestinians trying to cross to Egypt and Israel. The agreement was signed when the Palestinians finally gave up their demand for a special "EZ Pass" toll lane for suicide bombers.

Iraq Info
The Senate voted 79-19 to demand regular updates on the war in Iraq from the Bush administration. The 19 Senators who voted against the measure realized that if they want a bunch of cheery baloney about the war they could just get it from FOX News.

Top 5 Things Senators Want to Know from the White House about the War in Iraq

5) Do they realize just how annoying it is to go to all these constituent funerals?

4) Who do we need to bomb to get gas back below $2-a-gallon?

3) Now that Ted Koppel's gone, can we pretend that nobody died?

2) Will Halliburton keep paying our bribes on time?

1) This whole thing isn't like some long episode of "Punk'd"... is it?

Exit Strategy
Yesterday, the Senate rejected a bill that would have forced the Bush administration to lay out its strategy for ending the war in Iraq. Leading Republican Senators rightfully pointed out that the White House can hardly be expected to effectively plan our withdrawal from Iraq when all the people who planned the invasion are under indictment.

Bush Popularity
According to recent polls, President Bush is especially weak in the polls among Americans who are concerned about terrorism, his trustworthiness, and whether the war in Iraq was worthwhile. But the President is still extremely popular among late-night comedians who need material.

Alito on Abortion
Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is downplaying a memo he wrote 20 years ago backing the Reagan administration's efforts to ban abortion. Alito has explained that he wrote that memo before he had ever actually kissed a girl.

Nursing Home Bar
A nursing home in Ireland has opened a pub for its patients. American homes are expected to do the same, but only because their patients can't afford their prescription painkillers.

Bear Status
The Department of Interior proposed Tuesday to remove the grizzly bear from the endangered species list... proving once again that grizzly bears need better lobbyists.

Oprah's Origins
Oprah Winfrey says that it was Roger Ebert who gave her the idea 20 years ago to syndicate her talk show... oh no wait, Ebert was actually the one who gave her the idea to eat Cheetos with a spoon.


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