Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Jury Verdict
The Scott Peterson jury actually came down with two verdicts. First they sentenced him to death, and they subsequently sentenced all FOX News Channel viewers to 8 1/2 more hours of nothing but Greta Van Susteren.

Top 5 Things Scott Peterson Will Say to the Judge When He Asks for Mercy

5) A wife and a kid would have really gotten in the way of my plans to feed and clothe all the needy

4) I did it all to boost Greta Van Susteren's ratings

3) When Laci threw that beer on me in Detroit, I just lost myself in rage

2) I just didn't want the hassle of itemizing my taxes for the rest of my life

1) Michael Jackson sexually abused me as a child

Geragos Reaction
Responding to the jury's decision to recommend the death penalty for Scott Peterson, defense attorney Mark Geragos said this is "a very difficult time." Not because his client is likely to die, but because now he'll probably be expected to show up at most of the appeals hearings.

Mystery Solved
Well, I guess we finally know how Rudy Giuliani reduced street crime so dramatically in New York City -- he took Bernard Kerik off the streets and made him police commissioner.

Kerik's Affairs
Bernard Kerik reportedly kept a secret Battery City apartment where he had two extramarital affairs simultaneously with a corrections officer and publisher Judith Regan. That would mean Kerik must have played the female in that ménage a trois.

Giuliani Apology
Rudy Giuliani has apologized to President Bush for pushing Bernard Kerick as Homeland Security secretary and the embarrassment it caused. Of course, that isn't half as bad as the embarrassment he causes the President every time Bush tries to spell his name.

Lieberman Considered
One of the people being considered for the head of Homeland Security is Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman... who won't be able to catch the terrorists, but should have success in getting them to stop using foul language.

Museum Racket?
It's believed that some of the walls in New York's newly renovated Museum of Natural History were put up by a contractor with ties to the Mafia. Police are investigating, but the Dinosaurs ain't talking.

Garden State H
The FDA reported that New Jersey's heroin was found to be the purest in the nation... that is, until you mix it with New Jersey water.

Hippo Found
A hippopotamus that ran away from a nature reserve, where it was being bullied by another more dominant hippopotamus, has returned home. Maybe now Al Gore and John Kerry will have the courage to follow his example.


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