Thursday, March 11, 2004

Clinton Interview
Bill Clinton says he won't run for mayor and his goals are “to be useful, and stay out of Hillary’s hair.” Of course that's not the only thing of Hillary's he's been staying out of.

Britney & Jenna
First daughter Jenna Bush had a private backstage meeting with Britney Spears last weekend. The two women learned they have a lot in common; Britney's tickets to fame are the boobs on her chest and Jenna's tickets are the boobs in the White House.

Obesity Study
A new study shows obesity will soon overtake tobacco as the number one preventable killer in America. The news is outraging politicians who are demanding fast food companies start giving them just as many illegal campaign donations as they get from the cigarette makers.

Iraqi Spy
An American woman was arrested today on charges she spied for Iraq from 1999-2002. The CIA says she may have learned the agency's most sensitive secrets; like how to use white-out on forged weapons documents.

UCLA Used Cadavers On Football Team

Finally Explains loss to Stanford Last Fall

(Los Angeles) In a stunning revelation sure to escalate the human remains scandal at UCLA, the university is now admitting that its willed body program sold several cadavers to help fill out the school's strapped football program.

"I don't have to tell you how hard it is to recruit offensive linemen these days," said Bruins coach Karl Dorrell, "we needed help and we needed it real bad... I apologize to the families of the deceased, but mostly I want to apologize to our fans and our living players, especially since it appears the dead guys we used as spot-starters against Stanford probably cost us that game," he added.

UCLA chancellor Albert Carnesale is looking into the matter, but unamed sources say the problem began after the Bruins got into an ill-planned recruiting war with the University of Colorado in 2001.

"After two years of trying to match Colorado's hookers, strippers, and drug parties for high school recruits, we couldn't afford to field a team of more than 25 living players anymore," said the source. "Sure the cadavers cost about $100,000 each, but that's peanuts compared to what it costs to recruit, feed, and provide adequate legal defense services for a player with a pulse," he added.

Living players on the UCLA squad said they were stunned to hear at least 10% of their teamates weren't actually alive, especially since most of them maintained higher GPA's than the team average. "And after the games, they didn't smell any worse than the rest of us," added senior free safety Ben Emanuel.


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