Obama Speech
President Obama will talk about his jobs act bill at 1030 from the Rose Garden. The speech will be simulcast in Chinese and Hindi, so the people who will actually get these jobs can follow along.



Bank Layoffs
Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan is expected to announce 40,000 layoffs at 9am today. But it will probably take 5 business days for the news to clear all the way to the local branches.



Dr. Watson
After trouncing all opponents on "Jeopardy," IBM's supercomputer "Watson" is now helping a top health insurance company to authorize treatments. So now, in addition of filling out tons of paperwork for payments, you'll also have to phrase them all in the form of a question.




New California Bill
The California legislature is considering a new bill that would protect unlicensed drivers from being arrested. That will free up the cops to continue busting everyone with registration stickers that expired one day ago.



Fare Hikes
The major airlines are raising their fares for the 10th time this year. The airlines finally realize that lots of Americans actually like getting groped at the security line and are willing to pay for it!



Flood Waters Recede
It turns out flood waters will not wash away Scranton, PA... so there goes that city's best chance to start over.




September 12th


1609: Henry Hudson begins his exploration of the Hudson River, and immediately find the victims of several Mafia hits.


1959: The Soviet Union launches a large rocket, Lunik II, at the moon. Why the Ruskies were so angry at the moon, no one knows.


1999: Indonesia announces it will allow international peace-keepers into East Timor... especially if they bring toilet paper.