Debt Ceiling
It looks like the U.S. government will hit the debt ceiling tomorrow. But Congress has a plan to get more credit by stealing China's identity.



Oil Hearings
The chiefs of America's top 5 oil companies are set to answer some tough questions at a Senate hearing this morning. For example, most of the Senators will be asking the CEO's if they plan to make their campaign donations in dollars or euros this year.



IMF Warning
The powerful International Monetary Fund now says the Greek-Portugese-Spanish-Irish financial crisis could very well spread to other parts of Europe... even the parts where people actually work!



Toyota Recovery
Despite continued problems from the massive Japanese earthquake, Toyota nows it should be able to return to 70% of overall capacity by next month. Meanwhile, GM says it will get back to 70% capacity as soon as its union workers run out of government-provided viagra.



Pensions Public
A California appeals court has ruled, 3-0, that every county employee's pension info is public information. The ruling is expected to boost sales of anti-depressants by 350%.





May 12th



1797: Napoleon conquers Venice… the pigeons plan an aerial counterattack that has been going on every since.

2002: Former President Jimmy Carter arrives in Cuba for a five-day visit with Fidel Castro. They end the visit by announcing they will co-write a book on failure.

2008: The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement conducts the largest-ever raid and arrests nearly 400 illegal immigrants. Embarrassingly, the raid is conducted on employees at the White House.