Torn Panel
Tomorrow, astronauts will try to mend a torn solar wing that tore on the International Space Station. The latest damages cast another shadow on the multi-billion dollar price tag for the station, but at least NASA's huge budget for astronaut sewing classes is finally justified.



Bear CEO Stoned
The Wall Street Journal reports that the CEO of Bear Stearns was playing golf, bridge and smoking pot just as the subprime mess was going down at the brokerage firm. He'll be punished by getting only a $200 million bonus instead of $300 million this year.


Bridge, golf and pot... sounds like the weekend activities at the first baby boomer retirement village.


James Cayne's pot smoking leads to many questions, but it does explain why Bear Stearns made a $15 billion investment in Taco Bell last year.

After today's 362-point drop in the Dow Jones, Cayne is promising to chance his ways; he's switching from pot to anti-depressants.



Broker Killed
A Manhattan real estate agent has been found dead in her 5th Ave. apartment. In a public statement, her bosses made sure to extend their condolences to the family and let everyone know that a 3-bedroom apartment in mint condition has suddenly become available.

Cops are having trouble examining the crime scene because the apartment has already been scheduled for 16 showings to potential new buyers today and tomorrow.

Cops are looking for someone with a reason to kill a real estate broker, so there are 10 million suspects in New York City alone.


Hingis Cocaine
Martina Hingis has been accuded of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbeldon. I for one find it refreshing that an athlete can be accused of taking something other than steroids.

Due to the drug charges, Hingis is retiring from professional tennis... to become the new CEO of Bear Stearns.



Mukasey Waterboarding
The Senate Judiciary Committee is insisting that Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey publicly state that "waterboarding" is torture. The American people are demanding that the Senate Judiciary Committe admit that its hearings are torture.