Thursday, May 04, 2006

14 pound Newborn
A California woman has given birth to a premature 14-pound baby girl. Doctors say they induced early labor so the girl could make the audition for Star Jones' spot on "The View."

Kennedy Accident
Congressman Patrick Kennedy says he "consumed no alcohol" before he got into a car accident early Thursday morning. That may get him off the hook with the cops, but his lack of drinking has made his father Ted very disappointed in him.

Kennedy Accident II
Congressman Patrick Kennedy got into a car accident early Thursday morning, but no sobriety test was given. To avoid spending taxpayer money on foregone conclusions, sobriety tests on all Kennedys have been barred since 1969.

Rumsfeld Heckled
Hecklers interrupted another speech given by Donald Rumsfeld Thursday. Actually, this time they were his supporters; they were trying to keep him from saying something stupid in public again.

Bird Flu Warning
The White House says if a deadly avian flu outbreak hits the U.S., local communities should not look to the federal government for aid. That's because all the key government decision-makers will be crowding into Dick Cheney's bunker.

Triplets Times Two
A New Jersey couple has given birth to a second set of triplets. The really amazing thing about this is that after having the first set of triplets, the parents were still willing to have sex.

Chinese Bishops
Pope Benedict XVI is strongly rebuking the Chinese Catholic church for consecrating two bishops without Vatican approval. This Chinese piracy is getting out of hand.


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