Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Lafave Cleared
All charges have been dropped against Debbie Lafave, the attractive blonde 23-year-old teacher who had sex with her 14-year-old male student. Prosecutors wanted to get her victim to testify, but he's too busy getting high-fives from every middle school boy in America.

Moussaoui's Roommate
Zacarias Moussaoui's ex-roommate, Hussein al-Attas, testified in court Tuesday that Moussaoui told him many times that the only way to paradise was to wage "holy war" against the United States. But al-Attas says he told Moussaoui he would become a martyr even faster if he didn't start cleaning up his half of the damn bathroom.

Moussaoui's Roommate II
Zacarias Moussaoui's ex-rommate, Hussein al-Attas, says he and Moussaoui were like the "Odd Couple"... al-Attas was the neat and clean one, and Moussaoui was always trying to build a dirty bomb.

Top 5 Signs Your Roommate is a Terrorist

5) He asks you to put the phone service solely in your name... so it won't be tapped

4) When you ask him why his laundry is all over the living room, he blames the Jews

3) He never cleans up his nuclear waste

2) He often warns you to smoke outside... otherwise the apartment might blow up

1) He won't agree to a double date unless you bring 71 virgins

Bush Speech
President Bush has decided to do whatever it takes to make the situation in Iraq look good... so, he's going to talk about the U.S. economy for the rest of the week.

Bush Speech II
President Bush angrily responded to questions during Tuesday's news conference about whether he wanted to go to war. He insisted we didn't go into Iraq because he wanted war; we went into Iraq because he wanted to get re-elected.

Bush Speech III
One reporter asked President Bush whether he would call for a complete withdrawal from Iraq on his watch. The President said that could never happen... because he's not really watching.

Rice for Commish?
Condoleezza Rice is rumored as a possible replacement for Paul Tagliabue as the commissioner of the NFL. If chosen, her first mission will be to stem the massive AFC-NFC sectarian violence.

Rice for Commish II
Experts say Condoleezza Rice would be a great replacement for Paul Tagliabue as the commissioner of the NFL. That's because she has so much in common with many of the players; like humble origins, determination, and busted teeth.

Huge Donation
Columbia has been given a $200 million gift that will enable the school to open a new brain study center. The first brains they're going to study belong to the people who do the hiring in the Middle East Studies program.


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