New iPhone OS
The iPhone will unveil a new multi-tasking operating system today that among other things, will give iPhone users many more excuses for ignoring everyone and everything around them for hours on end.



Tiger's Big Day
Tiger Woods had his best first day ever at The Masters, shooting a four under par. He made four birdies and two eagles just imagining that his wife would beat him up if he missed a shot.



New Meadowlands Debut
The new Meadowlands stadium opens this weekend. The stadium will host three lacrosse games and four secret burials for Mafia victims.




Erasing the Evidence
A new report shows the FAA is allowing corporate executives and politicians to erase all proof of taking private jet flights. It turns out none of the fat cats want the public to know they used luxury jets to go to embarrassing places like sporting events, movie premieres, and Cleveland.




No Netanyahu
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is not coming to President Obama's nuclear summit in Washington next week. It turns out Netanyahu is scheduled to address nuclear weapons at a special meeting about 11,000 feet over Tehran.





April 9th


193: Septimius Severus is proclaimed Roman Emperor by an army filled with soldiers who hated people with speech impediments.


1992: A U.S. Federal Court finds former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega guilty of drug and racketeering charges. He is also convicted of having the worst complexion in the history of all dictators.


2005: Charles, Prince of Wales marries Camilla Parker Bowles... proving once and for all that the only way to get the British paparazzi off your back is to marry an ugly broad.