New Tiger Commercial
In a brand new Nike TV ad, Tiger Woods stares blankly at the screen while the voice of his dead father asks him what he's learned. Another ad to be unveiled next week will feature Tiger listening the same way to the voice of the dead Wilt Chamberlain who will taunt him for banging tons more women than he ever will.



Arms Deal
President Obama and Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev have just signed a deal to reduce the U.S. and Russia's nuclear arms. President Obama has decided to destroy its excess weapons, and Russia has decided to sell theirs to Iran.



Kyrgyzstan Coup
After a rash of violent protests, the opposition party now says it is in control of the government of Kyrgyzstan. This is the fate of all tyrants who fail to give their people enough vowels.




Paying for Everyone Else
Only 53% of Americans who are working are now paying any federal taxes... but that does not include most of President Obama's cabinet members, who haven't paid any federal taxes in 15 years.



United-US Airways Merger
United and US Airways are talking merger. In the combined company, United would be in charge of delaying your flights and US Airways would oversee losing your bags.





April 8th


1513: Explorer Juan Ponce de León declares Florida a territory of Spain. Guaranteeing every Spainard first choice of every day's early bird special.


1730: The first synagogue in New York City is dedicated... and disgruntled members of the synagogue take 3 hours to quickly dedicate the second synagogue in New York City.


1893: The first recorded college basketball game occurs in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. But the game is called off in the second half when most of the players leave to go pro.


1908: Harvard University votes to establish the Harvard Business School... as a place to identify and confine the nation's most talented financial criminals.