Libby Sentence Commuted
President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's 2 1/2-year sentence. The White House it needs to keep the jails clear for Paris Hilton's inevitable return


U.K. Attack Suspects
Reports say that the recent car bomb attacks in Britain may have been planned by three local doctors. Man, socialized medicine really can kill you.


Wrestler Doc Arrested
The personal doctor of pro wrestler Chris Benoit has surrendered to authorities to face a federal charge in connection with a drug probe. Now they just need to arrest the guy who sold him those pants.


Marital Goals
By a margin of nearly 3-to-1, Americans say the main purpose of marriage is the "mutual happiness and fulfillment" of adults rather than the "bearing and raising of children." Of course, if the adults succeed at that "mutual happiness" thing, they're going to end up with a lot of children.

Marital Bliss
A new survey shows that most Americans believe sharing household chores is the #1 key to a happy marriage. And this is why I do all my vacuuming in the nude.


Cheese Sculpture
A mock-up of Mount Rushmore made entirely out of cheese was unveiled in Time Square Monday. This explains why so many rats were rushing out of the 42nd Street subway station this morning.


Foul Top
The wife of Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez attended Sunday's game at Yankee Stadium wearing a white tank top with "F--k You" written on the back. Luckily for Mrs. Rodriguez, "F--k You" is the greeting of choice for all fans at Yankee Stadium.


New Blockbuster CEO
Video rental chain Blockbuster has named James Keyes as its new chairman and CEO. His main job will be to close the doors and turn out the lights.