NYPD Smarts
A new report says a large number of New York City police officers are only able to read at or below the 7th grade level. But NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly says this is actually a good thing because to catch the criminals, you have to be able to think like them.

North Korea Parade
Despite much speculation, North Korea did not display a new nuclear-capable missile today at a huge military parade to mark the country's 55th anniversary. Experts say the dictatorship probably decided it wasn't proper to show the weapon while Syria and Iran were still bidding on it on eBay.

Church Settlement
The 542 alleged victims of clergy sexual abuse have reached an $85 million settlement agreement with the Archdiocese of Boston. Most of them will get only about $80,000 each and the rest will go to their attorneys. Now the victims will have to ask themselves a new question: Does it feel worse to get screwed by your priest or your lawyer?


New $20 Bill
A new peach-colored $20 bill is being distributed by the US Treasury Department. Top comments made by people seeing it for the first time:

-This will come in handy the next time I need to buy a hotel on Baltic Avenue

-Damn! This is an intricate design... it's a good thing we switched to counterfeiting fifties a few weeks ago

-Peach-colored? Geez! People really are learning a lot from those "Queer Eye" makeover dudes!

-Great! Now we have a 3rd World currency to go with our 3rd World economy