Monday, July 17, 2006


Top 5 Ways to Stop the Mideast Fighting

5) Con all the combatants into thinking the World Cup is still being played

4) Send in a U.N. peacekeeping troops, then watch as Israelis and Hezbollah militants join together in laughing at them

3) Bring in America's secret weapon: Nancy Grace

2) Invite Bashar Assad and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to special surprise party... at Gitmo

1) Get the Hezbollah guys that dream date they've always wanted with Tony Shalhoub

After several days of continued bombardment, Hezbollah is accusing the Western powers of allowing Israel to keep up the attack. Hezbollah was later informed that you can only invoke the so-called "Murder Rule" in junior high school softball games.

The world is buzzing about President Bush's verbal gaffe when he was caught by an open microphone telling British Prime Minister Tony Blair that "Syria needs to get Hezbollah to stop this sh-t." Bush was embarrassed because what he should have said is "Syria and IRAN need to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh-t."

You know Israel's got the support of the news media when it continues to bomb the heck out of Hezbollah and the only thing anyone cares about is President Bush saying the "s" word.

After several days of intense Israeli bombing, the Lebanese people seem to be getting the message. For example, hardly anyone is sending their kids to the Hezbollah day care center this week.

The U.S. has chartered a private cruise liner to help evacuate Americans stranded in Lebanon. Of course when they hear their only choice is to take a Greek ship, most Americans will probably stay and take their chances.


A major earthquake off the coast of Java Monday triggered a tsunami that followed and killed at least 80 people in Indonesia. The U.N. is reprimanding the tsunami for its "disproportionate response" to the quake.

Robert Brooks, founder and chairman of the Hooters restaurant chain died at his home Sunday. As you might expect, he choked to death on a chicken wing while watching a porn movie.

Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle King want everyone to know they have a super-close friendship, but they are not gay. If they were in a sexual relationship, King would have asked for some money by now.


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