Wednesday, February 22, 2006

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California Execution Delay
Doctors in California say they won't participate in the execution of Michael Morales because of ethical reasons. The real reason is they don't accept his insurance.

NYC Anthrax Scare
It turns out a New York man who contracted anthrax was not the victim of terrorism, but simply caught the disease because he was handling raw animal hides... You know, I knew the upholstery in that cab I took last night felt a little weird!

NYC Anthrax Scare II
It turns out a Brooklyn man who contracted anthrax was not the victim of terrorism, but simply caught the disease because he was handling raw animal hides. Well, that's the last time I buy goat hides in Brooklyn!

NYC Anthrax Scare III
Mayor Bloomberg is doing his best to reassure New Yorkers frightened by the anthrax case. He's reminding people that if they avoid handling raw animal hides, and refrain from buying street vendor shish kabob, they have nothing to worry about.

Fighting Anti-Semitism
French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin has vowed that the French government will fight anti-Semitism. And the first thing the government is going to do to fix the problem is expel all the Jews.

Iraqi Mosque Bombed
Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Wednesday to protest the bombing of a sacred Shiite Mosque. But the good news is now Iraqi TV has some good subject matter for next week's episode of "Extreme Makeover: Mosque Edition."

Iraqi Mosque Bombed II
Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Wednesday to protest the bombing of a sacred Shiite Mosque. Not only was the Mosque an historic landmark, it was the last building in Iraq with an affordable homeowner's insurance policy.

South Dakota Bill
The South Dakota State Senate has approved a bill overturning Roe v. Wade. The bill is expected to pass the House as soon as someone can come up with a good reason for children to live in South Dakota.

Top 5 Iranian University Football Cheers

5) "Sis, boom, Allah!"

4) "Rah Rah Ree... bomb 'em in the knee!"

3) "We want a hostage!"

2)"Let's go Shi-ites!"

1)"Block that... UN Weapons Inspector!"

Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel for Bad Grades

By Jake Novak

(Tehran) Ravi Parshavan, a perennial “C” student at Tehran’s “Ayatollah Khatami High School, has suddenly risen to the top of his class by systematically blaming Israel, the Jews, and the United States for all his sub-par marks.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner,” said a smug Parshavan after evening prayers, “I mean all day, all we hear about is how the Jews are responsible for all our problems. Our teachers say this, our newspapers say this, and our president doesn’t really say anything else. I finally realized that my bad grades are my problem, so why not blame the Jews for that? Wouldn’t you know it? A week after I start the whole, ‘it’s the Jews’ fault’ excuse, I’m getting straight A’s!”

“We are very proud of Ravi,” said his 10th grade math instructor Mahmoud Ramishaveri, “he successfully explained to the whole class that the Jews’ control of the international interest rate system is the reason why he can’t do simple percentage equations. Frankly, I always thought it was because he was a lazy dimwit, but then the nice armed gentlemen from the government showed me how smart Ravi really is.”

Ravi’s parents are showing the same kind of bewildered pride in his sudden success.

“Sure, I was a little upset when he stopped making his bed and doing the rest of his chores. But then I realized he was just trying to lay low so the Jews wouldn’t find him and use his blood for their Passover rituals,” said his mother Reza with the approval of several government soldiers in her living room. They proceeded to beat her anyway after the interview for speaking in public.

But the Jews aren’t the only successful targets of Parshavan’s blame game. His failing marks in gym and terrible performances in soccer matches have been explained away as the result of America’s greedy domination of key resources like healthy food, athletic shoes, and air to inflate soccer balls.

“I would be a regular David Beckham, that an infidel pig of the West, if the Americans weren’t keeping me from getting the athletic gear I need. Curse them all!” Parshavan explained.

Parshavan is now guaranteed of graduating as his class valedictorian, and his new-found wisdom may also gain him admission to the world’s leading universities.

“I very much look forward to having young Ravi join our Middle Eastern Studies program,” said Professor Joseph Massad of Columbia University. “Not only has he correctly identified the sources of all his problems at an unusually young age, but he should be able to help me shout down the pro-Israel students in my class when I get a little hoarse.”

Parshavan isn’t sure if he will attend university in America, however.

“It could be fun to go to New York, but I do have an awesome rock-throwing team scholarship to Beir Zeit University in Palestine. So I do have to weigh all my offers,” he explained.


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