Thursday, December 30, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Media Tsunami
The continuing Tsunami tragedy is presenting the American news media with a huge challenge. Every newspaper and TV network is trying its best to get the latest updates, help the victims, and find some way to give this the same amount of coverage as the Janet Jackson breast incident.

Museum Fakes
Israel has charged four men for forging Bible-era artifacts and selling them to museums across the world. Prosecutors say the men thrived on exploiting the deep emotional needs of religious Jews and Christians, but not as much as the Bush campaign.

Top 10 Questionable Bible-Era Artifacts in World Museums

10) Jesus' first pair of Birkenstocks

9) Prints of Mary's first sonogram

8) Jacob's Canaan High School Wrestling Champion t-shirt and pennant

7) Joshua's Jericho Walls demolition kit

6) John The Baptist's Scuba equipment

5) Stone tablet with "King David Wuz Here" engraving

4) Jezebel's gold-plated thong

3) Noah's seasickness pills

2) Moses' wooden staff and laser pointer

1) Joseph's matching pants of many colors

Military Marriage Fund
The Pentagon is doling out more than $2 million to create a new program to help keep military marriages intact. Of course, they could save most soldiers' marriages and an additional $100 billion dollars if we just pulled out of Iraq.

Military Marriage Fund II
The Pentagon says it needs to help keep military marriages intact because most couples can't deal with the long separations caused by the war. Of course, if they just let gay couples serve together, we wouldn't have this problem

Military Marriage Fund III
The Pentagon is paying to send some military couples to the Opryland Hotel in Nashville to help recharge their relationships. Experts say this is a perfect idea, because after a weekend in Tennessee most wives will finally get a taste of the devastation their husbands had to deal with in Iraq.

AARP Frozen Out?
The AARP is complaining that President Bush hasn't yet agreed to meet with them to talk about his plans to privatize Social Security. Bush explained that he's not insecure about the plan, it's just that when he talks with all those old people they keep correcting his grammar.


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