Thursday, December 23, 2004

Bowling for Yasser
A new report reveals that Yasser Arafat invested heavily in several bowling alleys in New York and Maryland. Of course we should have realized something was up when all the 9-pins kept exploding.

Top 5 Other Surprising Places Yasser Arafat Put His Money

5) Giuliani Partners

4) "Gigli", (later found out it wasn't THAT kind of a bomb)

3) Gefilte fish futures

2) Arid Extra Dry

1) Gillette Razors

New Airport Security Rules
The government is now telling airport screeners to do their best not to touch women's breasts during security pat-downs. Well that's one directive that never would have been issued if Bernard Kerik had been made Homeland Security Chief!

Kerik Quits
Bernard Kerik resigned from his position at Giuliani partners, saying he's looking forward to "getting back in the gym." What?... a wife, kids and two mistresses don't keep you fit enough?

Giuliani Sad
Rudy Giuliani says he regrets Bernard Kerik's decision to leave his investment firm. That's because Kerik was the best guy to ask about where to meet your mistress on weeknights.

Top 5 Eventual Results of the Bush Administration's Relaxed Forestry Rules

5) Keebler Elves forced to move their factory to India

4) Spotted Owls lobby for major tax break to compensate for losing their homes

3) Yellowstone National Park to become Yellowstone-Verizon National Cell Phone Tower Park

2) Trump Tree House Condominiums enter the market at $5.2 million each

1) Next year on NBC: The NASCAR Redwood Forest 500!

GM Recall
General Motors Corp is recalling more than 700,000 minivans because of a defect in the sliding doors... and the FDA has a new report that they may increase the chances of heart disease.

Pell Grant Rules
The federal government is going to make it tougher for college students to receive Pell Grants. The new rules will require students to show a greater financial need, provide more documentation, and actually show up to class.

Teacher Gifts
Many parents are in a quandary as they try to decide what to give their kids' teachers for Christmas. Most educators say small gifts are nice, especially if everyone chips in just a little bit to buy each teacher a bullet-proof vest.


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