Student Loan Deadbeats
Student loan defaults are at record highs. Colleges are responding by adding new courses for graduating seniors on how to steal your dad's wallet.



Hire a Crook!
The city of San Francisco wants to give out tax breaks to people who hire convicted felons. But if they're going to reward people for hiring crooks, the city will have to hand out tax breaks to all the voters every time there's an election.



Inhaler Ban
The government is about to ban over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they're supposedly bad for the ozone layer. So in other words, the feds want you to have cleaner air, they just don't want you to be able to breathe it in.



Spanish Debt Downgrade
Spain's debt has been downgraded two notches from "AA" to "Chalupa".



Jobs Service
In observance of the Steve Jobs memorial service today, Apple stores will not be open to customers... in other words, they'll look like Best Buy.






October 19th


1781: At Yorktown, Virginia, representatives of British commander Lord Cornwallis handed over Cornwallis' sword to George Washington. But Washington refuses to stop the war until he gets Cornwallis' credit cards and PIN numbers.


1873: Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and Rutgers universities draft the first code of American football rules. The first 15 pages are mostly about what to drink during the tailgate parties.


1973: President Richard Nixon rejects an Appeals Court decision that he turn over the Watergate tapes. He does, however, offer to bring in the Beatles White Album.