Monday, October 17, 2011

Dodger Divorce
Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have finally reached a divorce settlement. In return for withdrawing any claim to the team, Jamie gets $130 million and Frank gets the right to leave his next marriage in the seventh inning.

Heart Disease
U.S. rates of heart disease are actually falling. Experts say this is the result of better cholesterol drugs and the fact that most Americans are now only eating Ramen Noodles.

Sesame Street Hack
Sesame Street's YouTube channel was hacked yesterday and replaced with porn videos. In a related story, Zoe is suing Elmo for sexual harrassment.

Obama Cash
The Obama re-election campaign has already spent more money than the Republican presidential candidates have raised. Of course, President Obama has also spent more money than everyone in America has made for the last 235 years.

Citibank Arrests
21 protesters were arrested inside a Citibank branch this weekend. It's not clear if they were "Occupy Wall Street" demonstrators or just angry that there were eight teller windows but only one person working.

October 16th

539 BC: Cyrus the Great marches into the city of Babylon, releasing the Jews from almost 70 years of exile. This is what happens when kings need decent doctors, lawyers, and comedy writers.

1979: Mother Teresa is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Surprisingly, she uses the tax-free prize money to start a predatory pay day loan franchise.

1979: President Carter establishes the Department of Education, the Department of Health and Human Services and the Department of Redundancy Department.


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