Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Monkey Loose
All the wild animals that escaped from an Ohio man's private zoo have now been captured. That's with the exception of one diseased monkey which has unfortunately blended in with the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Social Security Boost
Social Security payments will go up by 3.6% next year. In a related story, the price of Viagra and Cialis has just gone up by 3.6%.

Obama Loves Wall Street
President Obama has still raised more money from Wall Street donor than any Republican presidential candidate, leading most people to finally realize that "Occupy Wall Street" is a protest movement, it's the president's collection agency.

Biden's Warning
Vice President Joe Biden continues to insist that rapes and murders will go up if we don't pass the Obama jobs bill. Actually if we do pass the bill, more Americans will start trying to rape and murder Joe Biden.

Cali Comes up Short
California has collected $654 million less in taxes than it expected so far this year. It's not clear if it's the result of the bad economy or the fact that most California tax collectors are perpetually stoned.

October 20th

1781: Austria approves the Patent of Toleration, and then begins to work on the Declaration of Lactose Tolerance.

1970: Siad Barre declares Somalia a socialist state. Everyone else continues to declare Somalia a piece of crap.

1973: The Sydney Opera House opens. Sadly, the only act it can book is the Bee Gees.


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