Obummer
Stocks are set to open down again after the Dow fell more than 600 points yesterday. President Obama os snapping into action by scheduling several more campaign fundraisers.



S&P Arrest?
Michael Moore says President Obama should arrest the president of S&P for downgrading U.S. debt and buying the last box of Twinkies at the A&P.



Gold Soars
Gold is up again and getting close to hitting $1,800 per ounce. Now the best way to save for your kid's college expenses is to make sure he gets lots and lots of cavities with gold fillings.



Oil Tanks
Oil prices are down to $78 per barrel. It's getting so bad, the Saudis are asking if the terrorists they fund will accept Discover cards.



Fed Help?
Investors are hoping the Fed will do something to stabilize the stock market... something like send everyone in America a prescription for Xanax.





August 9th





1814: The Creek Indians sign the Treaty of Fort Jackson, giving up huge parts of Alabama and Georgia… but keeping most of Vanderbilt and Mississippi State.





1925: A train robbery takes place in Kakori, near Lucknow, India. To this day, no one knows how the robbers were able to carry the whole train to their getaway car.





1944: The Vyborg–Petrozavodsk Offensive, the largest offensive launched by Soviet Union against Finland during the Second World War, ends to a strategic stalemate. Both Finnish and Soviet troops decide that it was too damn cold.