Monday, July 12, 2010

BP's New Cap
BP has placed a tighter cap on its gushing well in the Gulf. Experts are hoping it works better than the cap it tried to place on CEO Tony Hayward's mouth.

iPhone Panned
Consumer Reports Magazine has decided to not recommend the new iPhone 4. And Cosmopolitan Magazine has decided to not recommend dating any man who buys the iPhone 4.

Glbert Fined
The NBA fined Cavs owner Dan Gilbert $100K for his outburst last week that made LeBron James look bad. By that logic, the league should fine James' tattoo artists $10 million.

Obama vs. AIDS
President Obama has announced a new attack on the AIDS virus... but scientists aren't sure if hitting the disease with a series of new taxes and lawsuits will do any good.

Tea Parties Bashed
The NAACP is condemning the anti-spending Tea Parties as a "racist element." If avoiding bankruptcy is racist, then BP must be the most progressive company in America.

July 13th

1878: The European powers redraw the maps of Serbia, Montenegro and Romania... mostly just to screw with the next 10 generations of lousy geography students in American high schools.

1923: The Hollywood Sign is officially dedicated. It originally reads "Hollywoodland " but the four last letters are dropped after Orson Welles eats them.

1985: Vice President George H.W. Bush becomes the acting President for the day when President Ronald Reagan undergoes surgery to remove polyps from his colon. In other words, it was a job Bush pulled out of Reagan's ass.


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