Nuke Summit
President Obama begins hosting a two-day summit on nuclear security today. On the first day all of the other nations will make their nuclear demans, and on the second day, Obama will give in to all of them.



Stadium Destroyed
Demolition crews destroyed Texas Stadium Saturday. It was the biggest implosion in the stadium's history that wasn't connected to a Tony Romo interception.



Mickelson's Green Jacket
Phil Mickelson won his third Masters title Sunday. Mickelson will celebrate his victory by screwing all of Tiger Woods' ex-girlfriends.



Cops Stay Home
Some LAPD detectives are being told not to come to work. It's not clear if this is because of the budget crisis in Los Angeles, or because everyone already knows that most of the city's crimes are being comitted by Lindsay Lohan.



New Tax Poll
A new poll shows that 66% of Americans believe no one should pay more than a 20% tax rate. The other 34% of Americans would be willing to pay more income taxes if they made any income.





April 12th


1917: Canadian forces successfully complete the taking of Vimy Ridge from the Germans... mostly thanks to excellent forechecking and goaltending.


1955: The polio vaccine is declared safe and effective... but only because Jenny McCarthy wasn't born yet.


1992: Euro Disney opens in France, it's most popular ride is Surrender at Witch Mountain.